


the time of our lives

by disstrack



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Friends to Lovers, Gen, Heteronormativity, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Multi, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-15
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2019-07-01 21:37:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 49,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15782604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/disstrack/pseuds/disstrack
Summary: The two important things Kyungsoo learns about soulmates during his junior year of college are that:(1) Everything takes time – acceptance, relationships, love, moving on, etc.(2) They don’t have time.And that one last important thing he learns but cannot tell anyone about:(3) He can make time.Or: that soulmate timer that counts down to the day you die au.(Takostation Round 3 for Prompt #62. Formerly titled: "the day starts to dawn, the moon floats on high".)





	the time of our lives

**Author's Note:**

> [translation of this fic into spanish/espanol by rilapark_00 [here](https://www.wattpad.com/story/169982941-the-time-of-our-lives-chansoo-traducci%C3%B3n)]
> 
> ok this was my first exo fic fest ... and suffice to say im not that proud of this fic despite the lengthy word count. frankly, i felt like i could still flush out the plot and characters, but that'd be too wordy and i dont have anymore patience on this world-building anymore. still, its here and posted bc i did spend a lot of time on it, this went through around 5 drafts before coming to this state, and i owe it to the prompter to show them this fic. but i swear i'll write better chansoo fics ... someday.
> 
> also, keep in mind that all the events that happened occurred within the span of a year, and while the timeskips are mostly indicated by the arrows, it really just separates events more than anything. so sorry if that gets really confusing. 
> 
> btw, to those who are curious, the prompt specifically goes as: "It is said that what’s written in the stars are fated, can never be changed. But what if you read your fate but dare to defy it, what will become of you?"
> 
> lastly, thank you so much to the tako mods for being so accommodating!!!
> 
> (formerly titled: the day starts to dawn, the moon floats on high)

 It’s a series of terrible circumstances and decisions (read: an invite to a frat party on a _weeknight_ , when there was school the next day, a shit ton of people coming despite its supposed exclusivity, the fact that Kim Jongin is the only one who could possibly supervise him there, which is a 100% bad idea, and lastly, Kyungsoo being gullible enough to agree) that’s led Kyungsoo to this predicament.

(Granted, Jongin persuaded an initially reluctant Kyungsoo to go with the following promises of: “the people there don’t know you and they won’t bother you”, “I won’t leave your side unless you want me to”, and lastly, “I know this frat; they’ve got the best alcohol around the area”.

Kyungsoo wasn’t stupid. He should’ve said no. But he was also kind of desperate and the third promise sounded too appealing to disregard, and maybe, just maybe, he tried to reason with himself that Jongin was a trustworthy human being because he still looked like that freshman dumbass he met who didn’t know the difference between butter and margarine, and not seeing the younger for a whole semester hadn’t changed that. So of course Kyungsoo agrees to fucking go.)

“ _You’re kidding, right._ ” Jongdae says through the speakerphone. “ _Please tell me you’re kidding_.”

“What fuckin’ part of me sounds like ‘m kiddin’,” Kyungsoo slurs into the phone. He’s been hiding in the kitchen for about— he doesn’t know. An hour, maybe. He wasn’t keeping much track. The only thing he was really sure of was that Jongin ditched him five minutes into the party and hasn’t appeared since, already breaking one of his promises. The alcohol had helped though. A lot. It was primarily why Kyungsoo was even here in the first place, even if he’d (1) deny it to anyone who asked, and (2) wasn’t supposed to drink a lot because he had to wake up early tomorrow for school. “‘M goddamn serious ‘bout this, ‘Dae.”

No one’s inside but him, and the door isn’t even closed and preventing anyone from entering. It’s a relatively isolated place in the frat because everyone would rather clearly be anywhere else but here, and the only sign that people have even previously been here were the red cups scattered on the kitchen island, a mixture of used and unused, empty of alcohol and brimming with it. Kyungsoo is seated on the countertop on the other side, right against the wall and beside the sink, with a cup of his own nestled in between his legs that he lifts every once in a while, and swinging his legs to the beat of the trap music that thrums against the walls even though he fucking hates trap.

And he’s calling Jongdae. Because Jongin’s not there to listen to him rant and he’s not going to understand any of it. Nor will he likely bother. The bastard.

 _“Christ, you sound like a mess. How far gone are you?”_ Jongdae asks.

“Like, haffa bottle. Just that.” Kyungsoo answers, staring at his cup. “‘Swear ‘m okay. ‘M not drunk.” Not yet, anyway. Just getting there.” Fuck, he hasn’t had this shit in so long. He misses it. “Issa great plan.”

 _“Confessing your love to Park Chanyeol, your long-time crush who you haven’t seen since like, what,_ last year _, is your idea of a_ great plan _.”_

“Mhm.”

Jongdae sounds like he’s suppressing a laugh and a sigh. At the same time. “ _You should ask sober Kyungsoo for his opinion on that.”_

Kyungsoo snorts. “Sober ‘Soo’s a suppressed closeted fuck with no balls ‘n too much sticks up his ass.” He firmly says. “He needs to loosen up ‘n smoke some weed.”

This time, Jongdae’s laugh flows freely, crackling through the receiver. It’s so loud that Kyungsoo’s grateful he wasn’t careless enough to put his phone anywhere close to his ear. _“Holy fuck, you’re dissing yourself. This is gold_.” He says. “ _Wish Baekhyun was here to hear this.”_

“No. No Baekhyun. Isn’t about him. Issa ‘bout me. Me.”

 _“Yes, yes. It’s all about you.”_ Jongdae lightly agrees. “ _Thought Jongin said there weren’t any people there that knew you though. What makes you think Chanyeol’s going to be there? Do you even remember what he looks like?”_

“First off, Jongin’s a liar.” Kyungsoo argues. “‘Cause I saw him. Yeol.”

Jongdae chokes. “ _Since when have you been calling Chanyeol_ Yeol _?”_

Kyungsoo ignores him. “He still looks the same. ‘Cept for his hair, ‘n he seems taller. Older. Hotter. Wearing goddamn _eyeliner_ , of all—”

 _“Stop right there, tiger. You don’t have to continue. I get the picture_.” Then Jongdae’s tone drops, turns into something more serious. “ _Seriously though, maybe this isn’t such a good idea.”_

Kyungsoo blinks. Attempts to process. “You think he’ll reject me or somethin’?”

“ _No_ ,” Jongdae replies. “ _But more of because A, sober Kyungsoo is going to absolutely regret it the next day if you do, and B, you’re doing this under influence, so you’re not thinking straight at all.”_

“‘Course ‘m not. ‘M gay, dude.”

 _“As much as I love drunk you because you’re unashamed and talkative about everything, you need to be careful._ Especially _about this. Six months off the grid? Remember that? Does it ring a bell?”_

If Kyungsoo was sober, he’d roll his eyes and tell Jongdae the fuck the fuck off with his MIA shit because he already gives himself enough of it already. Maybe. No one knows that. He doesn’t plan on making others feel like shit by sharing how he feels like shit. But Kyungsoo _isn’t_ sober, so he remains quiet, letting the words sink in. His mind’s a bit hazy, he’ll admit it, and it takes him a while before he can come up with a proper response to Jongdae’s concerns. It’s not like they’re unfounded, after all. “‘F I don’t do it now, I’ll never.” He replies. And then, softly adds, “Maybe I wanna do it ‘cause I wanna be proud of myself, for once.”

“ _Kyungsoo_ ,” Jongdae gently says, after a beat of silence. “ _Not that I don’t feel for you, but I still don’t think it’s that stellar of a plan.”_

Kyungsoo loudly _hmphs_ , pouting childishly even though the other can’t see it.

Jongdae continues. “ _You told me literally_ yesterday _that you didn’t want anything to change. You do this, and_ everything’s _going to change.”_

“But maybe I want ‘em to.” Kyungsoo says. “Or not. Ionno. ‘S kinda like I don’t wanna ‘cause all I can see are the problems there, but there’s a small part of me that still wants it. ‘Cause it’s not like things were the best b’fore. They were just. There. ‘N it was comfy. Familiar. Never knew anythin’ better. Never considered it. Y’know what I mean? Maybe ‘m gonna miss out on stuff just ‘cause I’m a coward.”

“Or _maybe you just normally think logically enough to not make reckless decisions and use philosophical thinking to defend them. Which is starting to not become true, the more you talk.”_ Jongdae points out. “ _Look, I’m not gonna pretend I understand what you’re going through and what you’re thinking, so my opinion probably doesn’t mean much. I just want to say that I really don’t want you to do something you’ll regret. But based on how the night’s going so far, you’re gonna_ anyway," He pauses. _"So I guess . . . I hope things work out? And if they don’t, then please know it’s not the end of the world. Life moves on, and you’re still going to continue handling yours and Baekhyun’s monthly bills, as well as packing him goddamn home-cooked lunch every Thursday just because you have afternoon classes and can afford the extra time_.”

“. . . Sorry. I only understood like, all the positive shit you said. ‘N it wasn’t a lot.” Kyungsoo tells him. “Stop worryin’. ‘Sides, what’s the worse that could happen?”

⇝

It’s Murphy’s Law, essentially. Anything that can go wrong _will_ go wrong.

The call with Jongdae ends because there’s a drama he wants to catch up on. Kyungsoo, despite Jongdae’s advice, drinks one more full glass, except he mixes the alcohol with juice to water down the effects a bit. He doesn’t know if it changes anything, because he still feels the same, but at least his tongue is sweeter than before.

Without anyone to talk to, he busies himself with thoughts of Chanyeol. Tries figuring out how he’d confess. He really has to do it now, or else there will never be any other opportunity where he’ll gain the courage to do so. His only issue now is the method. Should he just say it straight up or should he make an entire speech about it? He thinks Sober Kyungsoo would do neither, because he is not straightforward about his feelings, nor is he generally talkative. Those two reasons are specifically why he likes Chanyeol, ironically enough. Opposites attract, he thinks the saying goes.

He should probably just wait for the right opportunity tonight to say it, he decides, in the end. Maybe it’s best if he doesn’t overthink it, mostly because it’s giving him a headache and he can barely process it. He makes a mental note though to make sure that when he does say it, it should be in some cool way, so that Chanyeol would be impressed. He needs to impress him. Kyungsoo might as well go big or go home.

A few minutes later, there’s a loud crash from right outside the kitchen that has Kyungsoo’s head snapping up, attention back in reality. Lo and behold, Park fucking Chanyeol stumbles inside, managing to catch himself by gripping onto the edge of the island.

“Chanyeol?” Kyungsoo dumbly calls out.  

Chanyeol raises his head. He looks like a complete trainwreck, clothes rumpled with a large stain on his shirt, hair a mess, and eyeliner slightly ruined. “Oh, Kyunghoon.” He says, voice unnaturally scratchy. “Didn’t know you were here.”

“Are you okay?” asks Kyungsoo, disregarding the fact that Chanyeol said his name wrong. Chanyeol doesn’t look entirely sober anyway. Kyungsoo would probably get Chanyeol’s name wrong too if he didn’t spend so much time thinking about him.

“No.” answers Chanyeol too quickly. “Shit. Sorry. I didn’t mean–” He stops, then looks at Kyungsoo cautiously. “Can I just. Talk a bit? Ramble? You don’t have to listen. I just need to, uh, let it out.”

“I don’t mind.” Kyungsoo replies awkwardly, not knowing what else to say.

“Thank you.” And then he doesn’t say anything afterwards. He looks like he doesn’t know what to say, or looks like he’s too shy to say anything else even if Kyungsoo already gave him permission to.

For some reason, Kyungsoo decides to help Chanyeol out. Or at least try making things less awkward. “Did something happen? Your makeup . . .” He gestures to his own face because he doesn’t know if it’s rude to point to Chanyeol’s.

“Yeah.” Chanyeol says. “I forgot how my eyeliner wasn’t waterproof enough to be unaffected with my tears.”

Tears. Kyungsoo bites the gum of his cheek.

“Don’t judge me for crying, please. My two-year girlfriend just broke up with me like, twenty minutes ago, and I’m a tad bit shitfaced and a lot sad. And heartbroken.”

Fucking shit. An ex. This is about his ex. Kyungsoo pours himself another glass, except this time it’s just pure alcohol. He doesn’t care if this might just make him lose his sense of logic any further. He doesn’t want to dwell on what Chanyeol’s saying for long, if he’s going to talk about his ex-girlfriend. This is a mistake. Everything is a mistake. Kyungsoo’s not even sober and he’s already tasting regret on his tongue.

“She was– her name was Seulgi, and she was. Fucking great. A dancer.” Chanyeol continues, taking Kyungsoo’s silence as some kind of cue to let him explain. “Confident in herself but never stayed arrogant. Kind but would kick my ass if I needed it. Completely out of my league. Wasn’t perfect, but she was the best. We were already together for two years, so I kinda thought: maybe she was the one. My soulmate, you know? She made me want to be more than I already was.”

Kyungsoo hums. More alcohol was a bad idea. A very, very bad idea.

“But we weren’t. Weren’t soulmates. We tried the separation thing over the summer– the one where you spend some time with someone, part ways, and then when you reunite, after you two touch, a timer should appear if you’re soulmates. It didn’t work. There wasn’t anything. It was fine, for a while. I think we were both unconsciously hoping that one day, I’d hold her hand or she’d hold mine and then timers would suddenly form, like fate was just late or forgot to give us the one thing that would tell us we were truly meant to be. I think at some point I was okay with it. Of us not being soulmates.” He’s such a rambler; Kyungsoo finds it unsurprisingly charming, even if he doesn’t like the topic. “I still wanted to be with her, and I was– ah, this is such a dick thing to say, but I was ready to let go of my own soulmate just for her. But it turned out she wasn’t.”

Kyungsoo makes a move to pour himself another shot. His hand misses the neck of the bottle.

“So we broke up. Here. In this party. I drank a lot, tried to forget about her and pretend like she didn’t ruin this whole thing for me, but I ended up thinking about her anyway. Like, if the greatest person meant for me _didn’t_ like me, then could anyone else possibly like me? Do I really _have_ a soulmate out there when–”  

Kyungsoo tips forward. The air feels fucking stifling, all of a sudden, and he can’t control his own body and its movements. He barely processes what’s happening until suddenly there’s a steady weight right below him, and Chanyeol’s body is under him, crouched down and saving him from falling. Kyungsoo finally regains control and pulls away as Chanyeol helps him back on his feet. He feels a bit woozy, and the back of his knees suddenly ache. It doesn’t matter though. What matters is that Kyungsoo kind of made a fool out of himself, and Chanyeol basically saved his slightly drunk ass, and that Chanyeol is right in fucking front of him, Chanyeol _touched_ him, and Chanyeol is _still_ touching him, and Kyungsoo’s whole fucking face is on fire. And he’s still drunk, can’t think properly _at all,_ so–

“ _I_ like you, Park Chanyeol.” Kyungsoo blurts out.

Chanyeol freezes. Kyungsoo makes a move to look up to see his face, but his gaze ends up landing on Chanyeol’s wrist instead. There’s a black marking he hadn’t noticed before, shaped into a series of numbers in a familiar writing Kyungsoo realizes to be his own, but engraved into the wrist of another.

“And I’m your soulmate.” He adds. And then, because _fuck order_ , “Also, I’m Kyungsoo.”

“Oh,” Chanyeol says. “Fuck.”

⇝

When Kyungsoo returns to his apartment, the TV is on. Baekhyun is sitting on the couch right in front of it, eating a fitness bar as he watches. Kyungsoo doesn’t expect to see him awake, even if it’s not that early in the morning, but he doesn’t call him out on it. Baekhyun beats him to it.

“You’re back later than I thought.” Baekhyun comments, eyes still on the screen.

“I know.” Kyungsoo simply says. His head is still pounding, but so far, he’d like to think he’s doing a damn good job at hiding it. “Still too early for you to be watching TV and destroying your brain cells.” He takes off his shoes, shuts the door. “What’s for breakfast?”

“You’re wearing it.”

Kyungsoo flips him off without glancing at him. Baekhyun probably binge-watched old, iconic American coming-of-age films, as if he hadn’t seen them dozens of time already and isn’t about to recite their scripts out perfectly, judging from his response. That, or reruns are all the TV’s been playing lately, though the cartoon his roommate’s currently on seems like a new one. Then again, Kyungsoo wouldn’t know. He hasn’t watched in ages.

“Did you know it’s eight in the morning right now?” Baekhyun points out.

“Fuck off.” Kyungsoo replies, before entering his room and shutting the door.

He empties his pockets and tosses all his stuff to the side before looking at his bed, tempted to just flop onto it despite how uncomfortable it’d be in his getup. He ends up shrugging off his socks, leaving them on the floor, and changing his jeans for some random shorts, indifferent to his shirt. Then he lies down on his bed, sinking into the mattress. It feels good, but he regrets not having brought any water with him. At least he took some aspirin before he left the frat house earlier.

A few seconds later, he hears Baekhyun knocking on his door. “Don’t you have a class?” his muffled voice asks.

“Ditching.”

A whistle. “Wow. New year, new you? I don’t know if I should be proud of you or disappointed.”

“Shut up. You’re making everything worse.” He says.

“Breakfast?”

“Make your own breakfast, Baekhyun. I’m your roommate, not your goddamn babysitter.” Kyungsoo snaps. “And I’m dying. Go away.”

“You’re hungover; don’t be so dramatic.” Baekhyun tuts. “This is why you should drink more alcohol.”

Kyungsoo doesn’t reply, too tired to do so.

“How was the party?” asks Baekhyun, after a beat of silence.

The party. Disastrous. Kyungsoo remembers every single moment of it. Alcohol. His call with Jongdae. His Great Plan. Chanyeol. Murphy’s Law.

Soulmates.

“Don’t wanna talk about it.” Kyungsoo grumbles.

He expects Baekhyun to prod further, but there’s only silence coming from the other end. Maybe Baekhyun’s being lenient enough with his interrogating and acknowledges that he needs to have mercy because of Kyungsoo’s hangover suffering. Kyungsoo misses the alcohol, no lie. He doesn’t miss the consequences of it.

The door creaks open. Kyungsoo doesn’t look, body turned to the side and facing away from the entrance, but he knows the gap is only slight and little, and that Baekhyun’s head is probably trying not to peek inside, because he knows that he’s only allowed in Kyungsoo’s room a maximum of twice a week, and he’s already exceeded that limit three days ago.

“Are you okay?” Baekhyun quietly asks. “Did something happen?”

He sounds worried. Kyungsoo feels bad, which only worsens his hangover. He needs to talk though, because that’s the only proof that he truly does seem fine.

“‘M okay.” Kyungsoo replies. “It’s just the hangover.”

“Okay.” Baekhyun says simply, even though he obviously doesn’t believe it. “But you owe me something juicy. Later.”

“If you mean literally, I can give you something right now.” Kyungsoo says. “There’s some leftover bacon in the fridge. Just microwave it. Please don’t eat a fitness bar for breakfast.”

“Has anyone told you that you deserve the award for world’s best roommate ever? Sober or not sober. Grumpy or smiley.” Baekhyun suddenly exclaims. His voice is muffled because of the walls and door but it’s still so fucking loud and he’s still _here_ , talking to Kyungsoo, and Kyungsoo thinks Baekhyun deserves the award for world’s _worst_ roommate.

“Shut up.” Kyungsoo cuts him off. “And go away. ‘M trying to rest.”

“Okay.” Baekhyun chirps, and then his footsteps grow quieter. Kyungsoo hears the refrigerator open, the microwave being turned on, Baekhyun’s quiet humming as he waits for the food to heat up. He hears a cupboard open, assumes that it means Baekhyun’s going to bring his breakfast to class rather than eat it.  He’s probably already running late. Typical.

“Have fun dying!” Baekhyun yells, before the door shuts. Kyungsoo’s the only one in their apartment. He knows this, but he waits for a few more minutes, dwelling in the silence of everything, before turning to bury his face in the pillow and letting the dam break, tears freely falling down his face and into the cushion.

⇝

There are the few, basic things Kyungsoo knows about Park Chanyeol:

  1. Chanyeol is a third year (just like Kyungsoo) Music Production major (unlike him).  
  2. He’s also a member of Soundwave, a tiny but famous performing arts organization that isn’t strictly school-affiliated but is recognized by them for their fundraising and successful projects that promote giving charity to the less fortunate and exposure to those too shy to immediately go straight to theatre, singing, dancing, and anything else performing arts related. In other words, it’s an unconventional performance-for-babies kind of club, and Chanyeol’s the president of it.
  3. He’s a human disaster walking on giraffe legs (Chanyeol’s words, not his), but somehow, also remains as one of the most popular, handsome, and well-liked students in the entire campus, even among those not in his year. (Not Chanyeol’s words, but facts.)
  4. Chanyeol and Kyungsoo first encountered one another exactly (not _too_ exactly, but probably in the same month as today) a year ago, when Kyungsoo was standing by the announcement board and looking through all the official flyers for student movements, clubs, and projects, a mix of things he’s seen before and others he hasn’t. Chanyeol ran to him, lugging his guitar around, looking like a complete just-woke-up mess, asking him where the Physics Lab was because he was going to be late to his first meeting as Soundwave’s Vice President and couldn’t rack his brain as to where the place was even though he’d been there countless times. Kyungsoo told him, Chanyeol thanked his soul, and attempted to run to the location Kyungsoo gave him before promptly tripping on virtually nothing.
  5. They introduced themselves to each other after Kyungsoo helped him limp his way to the Physics Lab, because Chanyeol was stubborn and swore his ankle was just wonky at the moment and would be completely okay later on. The older promised that he was already fully recovered right by the laboratory door, and also promised to treat Kyungsoo out for drinks. Only the second promise ended up being carried out.
  6. You could consider them sort of friends. They’re not close enough to hang out, except for that one time Chanyeol kept his promise of getting him drinks. Besides that, their relationship is more of Kyungsoo attending every Soundwave event under the sun ever since Chanyeol became Vice President, even if Chanyeol never asked him to come, the few times when they’d coincidentally be in the same place, make small talk, and then Chanyeol would do something particularly affectionate and _Chanyeol_ of him by tugging at his sleeve or brushing against his arm or even slinging it over the younger’s shoulder, and every once in a while, whenever they’d accidentally make eye contact wherever they are or coincidentally passing by, Chanyeol would smile and say _hi_ , and Kyungsoo would either nod, stare, or ignore him, and always– _always_ pretend as if each smile Chanyeol sent his way didn’t miraculously make imaginary daisies bloom in Kyungsoo’s imaginary garden.
  7. Kyungsoo has a thing for Chanyeol. Always has. But it’s never been that deep and never 100% certain. It’s just— there. The feelings. The attraction. Chanyeol is tall and dorky and cute and Kyungsoo’s a completely shallow shit for having these kinds of standards in the first place as a “type”, but— whatever. It isn’t deep. Kyungsoo and Chanyeol hadn’t even seen each other in months. He doesn’t even know if he’s still into him or just the idea instead.



It didn’t really make much sense for Kyungsoo to confess. The crush was just something that made his life a little more exciting, and Chanyeol and Kyungsoo never really interacted enough for him to truly know what Chanyeol was like. He didn’t even know if he wanted it to actually go somewhere. Didn’t know if his interest in Chanyeol meant he wanted to be Chanyeol’s boyfriend or just Chanyeol’s _friend_ . Then Kyungsoo left, and it didn’t matter. But then he came back, and suddenly it did. He wanted to prove a point. To himself, if not others. (Not like anyone cared. At least, not _here_.) He was who he was, and he wasn’t supposed to be ashamed about it. Chanyeol was just an  outlet. The only way he could think of doing it. It wasn’t a big deal. At least, those were drunken Kyungsoo’s reasons. His logic for his actions. He wasn’t supposed to have any lingering attachments to something that he knew would never escalate in something more. That’s why he was so ready to do it. It didn’t mean anything. Wasn’t supposed to.

And yet.

“I’m sorry.” Chanyeol apologizes. “That I pushed you away. Like you were a freak. You’re not. It– it was me. I was the one who freaked. I’m sorry.”  

“You said that twice now.” Kyungsoo notes. They moved from the kitchen to the front lawn of the frat house, where there was more space and more air to breathe. There are a few people around the area, but they’re all engrossed in their own chatter, and Kyungsoo and Chanyeol are a safe distance away from all of them. Their feet touch the road as they sit on the sidewalk. The noise coming from the frat is a background hum to Kyungsoo’s ears. It’s too easy to drown everything out and pretend like him and Chanyeol are all alone, permanently unbothered, deep in their own shared world. Or at least two different ones colliding gently, cautiously.

“Sorry.” Chanyeol says again, before wincing. Kyungsoo just stares. “‘M kind of a mess.”

“I know.” Kyungsoo says. He looks down at Chanyeol’s KISS shirt. “Is that puke on you?”

“It’s not mine, I swear. It’s someone else’s.” He looks mournfully down at the tee. “I’ve always liked this shirt, but after this, I’m never wearing it again.”

It’s a pretty hideous shirt. Even without the puke. There’s not much of a loss if he gets rid of it. Kyungsoo wonders it’s appropriate to comment on that, or if it seems like he’s overstepping boundaries he wasn’t supposed to cross, until the thoughts die from his mind as Chanyeol lifts the hem of his shirt and takes it _fucking off_.

“The fuck are you doing,”

“Taking off my shirt? It’s gross.” Chanyeol says, and then it finally slips off his head. It’s then does he looks at Kyungsoo, notices the prominent red on his cheeks and ears, and realizes. “Oh, shit. I’m sorry. I almost forgot but– look. The vomit is just–”

“Shut up.” Kyungsoo cuts him off, before taking off his sweater and tossing it to him. He makes a visible effort to not look at Chanyeol and his thick biceps and hard abs (he doesn’t remember them looking like that last time) as he accepts the piece of clothing and slips it on. The sweater is naturally too big on Kyungsoo, but on Chanyeol, it’s just right. He looks kind of ridiculous, and maybe a bit cute, but it’s fine. Kyungsoo can handle this. It beats him being half-naked.

“Thanks.” Chanyeol says, and that’s all. They lapse into silence. Kyungsoo would enjoy it if not for the elephant situated between them, the awkward tension hanging in the air, the things he wants to say but are lodged in his throat and the things he wants to hear but feels like he wouldn’t get. Not if he says nothing. Not if he doesn’t have the courage to step up first.

“I’m sorry I confessed.” Kyungsoo tells him quietly, because– he doesn’t really know why. It just seems like the right thing to do, the right thing to say.

“Don’t be sorry for that.” Chanyeol replies softly. “I’m sorry too.”

“For what?”

“I don’t, uh, actually like the system much. The soulmate system.” He says. “Because of Seulgi. Before, I was just neutral about it. Didn’t matter. But then she came along, and I thought she was the one, and I _wanted_ her to be the one, because it’d mean she’d never leave my side. But even if she wasn’t, it also didn’t matter to me. I chose her, chose to love her, and I wanted that more than anything guarantee fate could grant me. I didn’t want something predestined; I wanted a choice.” He pauses. “I still want to. It means more. To me.”

His words are just as sobering to hear as the wind that gently blows past them. Kyungsoo understands where Chanyeol’s coming from, but it doesn’t really make him feel any better.

Chanyeol’s not finished talking. “I’m really sorry. For pushing you away. Really. You can deny it all you want, but I know it was a dick move.” He says. “I just– when I saw the– _it_ , I couldn’t. Couldn’t wrap it around my head.”

“Because I’m not Seulgi?”

And this– this isn’t what he expects. “Because you’re a boy.” Chanyeol looks at Kyungsoo apologetically. Truly guilty, but undeniably honest. “I didn’t– I never considered it. That my soulmate would be a boy. All my life, I’ve only ever looked at girls. Even now.”

Kyungsoo blinks. His heart drops. “Oh.”

“Yeah.” Chanyeol shuffles his feet. “‘M sorry.”

Thing is, he shouldn’t be. The confession wasn’t supposed to lead to anything anyway. Kyungsoo didn’t do it because he had hoped it’d escalate into something. In the end, Kyungsoo was Kyungsoo, and Chanyeol was Chanyeol, and if Kyungsoo hadn’t gotten drunk, they probably would’ve never even interacted in this whole party and discovered their were soulmates. They probably would’ve never spoken, and Kyungsoo would just go back to admiring Chanyeol from a distance as the other continued to just do what he did best.

But Kyungsoo knows, deep down, that there’s a part of him that did hope for something. It’s why his heart aches. Hurts. It’s not _just_ because this rejection, somehow, in some twisted logic he can’t explain but painfully feels and believes, makes him think he’s less of a person just because he’s gay and has less chances of a happy end compared to Chanyeol, someone who _isn’t_. Who is heterosexual. Straight. Has never had anyone thinking less of him because of it. Never had anyone brushing that part of him aside.

It’s something more. But Kyungsoo doesn’t want to know what that something more is. He’s fine with not knowing. Not completely, anyway.

“‘S okay.” Kyungsoo somehow manages to say, after enough silence and internal anguish. “You can’t– you can’t help it. It’s who you are. Don’t be– don’t be sorry about it.” He tries to smile, but it just comes out as a grimace. “I understand. Really.”

“Maybe not for that. The rest though . . .” Chanyeol drifts. “I realized it’s kind of my fault too, isn’t it? For being too affectionate, even if we don’t know each other that well. I gave you the wrong idea. I should– I should tone it down.”

“Don’t.” Kyungsoo suddenly interrupts. Chanyeol’s head snaps up to him, and Kyungsoo tries not to be embarrassed. “It’s not you. Honestly. It’s me. You didn’t do anything. You’re just being you. It’s really just–” He runs a hand through his hair, trying to get the words out properly. “It wasn’t serious. What I said. Not that I didn’t mean it. I just– I didn’t say it for the reason you think. And I probably . . . would’ve never even done it if not for the alcohol. And the gap semester.”

There’s a weird look on Chanyeol’s face, and he looks like he wants to say something, but Kyungsoo continues before he can. “But, yeah. It’s– it’s not you.”

A beat of silence. “‘It’s not you, it’s me.’ The most overstated thing in the century, and yet the most accurate.” Chanyeol finally says, faintly amused. “Seulgi said that to me, right before we broke up.” He pauses, before looking guilty once again. “Sorry. Should I not have mentioned her? Too soon?”

Out of nowhere, Kyungsoo starts laughing. Chanyeol looks at him like he’s lost his mind, but Kyungsoo doesn’t care. It’s fucking unbelievable. Chanyeol’s fucking unbelievable. For being so sensitive. For trying to care. For _actually_ caring. It’s so easy to brush of everything he said earlier, easy to pretend like it hadn’t hurt at all. It’s like rubbing salt onto the wound, except he’d rather laugh it off rather than cry. Kyungsoo wants to hate him, because that would be much simpler, would make more sense, but from the corner of his eye, he can still see the shape of Chanyeol’s timer, and more than that, his heart. He's just being honest. Kyungsoo can never blame someone for their honesty, not when it means so much for someone to hear and _accept_ it, even if they don’t necessarily agree. He would know.

“For what?” Kyungsoo eventually asks, after he’s recovered, after he’s sure he won’t let these bitter thoughts seep through his tongue. “I’ll get over it. Don’t worry. Just– go talk about her more. Or whatever. I’ll be fine. Maybe I’ll move on faster.”

Chanyeol looks at Kyungsoo uncertainly. Maybe with a bit of concern too. “Are you sure? I won’t– I won’t do it again. I’ll stop. Actually, I think I’m talking too much and rambling and I don’t wanna– I don’t wanna make you uncomfortable. Or something.”

“You’re not. It’s okay.” Kyungsoo says. “I’m okay.”

Murphy’s law. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. The worst has already occurred. Happened. Things can’t get any more worse.

⇝

Kyungsoo wakes up to the sound of the doorbell ringing loudly in the apartment.

He hadn’t even realized he fell asleep until the loud sound that didn’t fit his dream – he doesn’t even remember what it was about – caught his attention and brought him back to reality. His hangover’s already disappeared, and the tears have since long dried up on his pillows and cheeks, leaving him left with puffy eyes that just squint in the darkness. It’s night-time, judging from the lack of natural light there is seeping through the window his room.

He gets up, switches on the lights, and gets his glasses. The doorbell is still ringing. He leaves the room and walks through the corridor, temporarily ignoring his grumbling stomach that hadn’t consumed anything the whole day. It’s probably Baekhyun, who had forgotten the keys for the nth time. Kyungsoo’s already annoyed.

Except when he swings the door open, it isn’t Baekhyun standing in front of him. It’s Chanyeol. Kyungsoo blinks, wondering if what he’s seeing is real. Chanyeol doesn’t seem to move a muscle. Kyungsoo makes a move to close the door, already believing this is all just a dream or Chanyeol’s just part of his imagination.

“Wait!” Chanyeol says, jamming his foot in between the closing gap. Kyungsoo stops and looks down at it before slowly making his way up to Chanyeol’s face. “I need to talk to you.”

Great. Kyungsoo totally wants that. “About?” he says, slightly opening the door a bit more so that Chanyeol can pull his foot back. He doesn’t. Kyungsoo wonders if it’s because Chanyeol thinks he’ll close the door on him again. Maybe he will.

Chanyeol starts to fidget. Kyungsoo suddenly takes note of the white band securely wrapped around his wrist, where his timer should be. Kyungsoo is grateful that his own wrist is out of sight, covered by the door, which he’s still holding. He doesn’t know why. “I wanna make it up to you. For last night.”

This again.

Kyungsoo just lets out a sigh. Chanyeol clearly takes this in a bad way and continues talking, voice frantic like Kyungsoo isn’t going to hear what he has to say anymore. “Look, I know you’ve forgiven me. Kinda. I don’t actually know. But I don’t forgive myself. I hated how I acted last night, even though it was– well, it was true. But still! I wanna make things right. Consider this as like, a peace offering. Except we’re not at war. It’s just– we’re just awkward. And I, uh, don’t want us to be. You don’t deserve that.”

“So,” Kyungsoo starts, hyper-aware of the fact that his eyes are still puffy and Chanyeol has most likely noticed it. “You’re doing this because you feel bad for me.”

“No!” Chanyeol exclaims, a little too loudly. “It’s not _sympathy_. It’s like. Empathy.”

“Empathy.” Kyungsoo repeats. “So you understand what I’m feeling. As a gay man. Who got rejected. By a straight guy.”

“I– no,” Chanyeol stammers. “Not like that. But like, I understand what it’s like to be looked down on for who you are. Maybe not _explicitly_ , but the internal hate and subtle discrimination is there.” Chanyeol meets Kyungsoo’s questioning gaze. “Back in high school, I stayed in the U.S. for a while. Studied there. I didn’t exactly fit the Asian stereotype. Wasn’t smart. Couldn’t catch on fast. I think that’s why lots of my classmates hated me back then, and why my teachers were always so harsh on me. It’s why I try making up for it by being active and friendly. If I don’t have the smarts to keep me going, then at least I have connections, right? Or something like that. I don’t know if I’m doing it properly, but I’m trying. I mean, mine is probably not as bad as yours, but I kind of get it. Sorta.”

Kyungsoo can’t believe that, one, Chanyeol’s opening up to him like this so quickly, even if Kyungsoo hadn’t asked (not that he doesn’t appreciate it, because he does. Sorta), and two, they’re having this entire conversation outside.

“I’m sorry.” Chanyeol says. “I didn’t mean to dump that all on you.”

“It’s okay.” Kyungsoo replies. He feels like he says that a lot. “You need to stop saying sorry.”

“I’m–” Kyungsoo raises an eyebrow at him, and Chanyeol catches himself. “Yeah, okay. Got that.” He nods. “Does that mean you agree?”

“What?”

“You’ll let me treat you out.” Chanyeol says. “To dinner. Because I want to make it up to you. For being a total insensitive jerk last night.”

“What time is it?”

“Uh,” Chanyeol looks down to check his phone. “20:30?”

“It’s way past dinnertime.”

“Well, I haven’t had dinner, so I’m kind of hungry.” Chanyeol says. Suddenly, Kyungsoo’s stomach makes a distressed sound. The younger blushes. Chanyeol points at his stomach. “And so are you.”

“Shut up.”

“So is that a yes?” Chanyeol asks, visibly brightening up. He’s got this Delighted Puppy Face on. Kyungsoo hates how he already feels weak to it, even if it’s the first time it’s ever been directed to him.

“Yeah, whatever.” he just says, stepping back. “Just let me change.” He’d almost forgotten he was still just in shorts and shirt from yesterday. At least Chanyeol doesn’t comment on it, and merely nods dutifully.

⇝

The place Chanyeol’s treats him out to is one of those small grill restaurants in the suburban areas, like where Kyungsoo’s shared apartment with Baekhyun is, except this area is far from Kyungsoo’s home, father from the campus, and closer to the main streets of the city. It’s not necessarily a restaurant, because it’s just a large white tent top with chairs, tables, and a portable-esque but large kind of kitchen lying underneath. Places like these aren’t exactly rare, but they’re spread out thinly and harder to find than most hole-in-the-wall food places, primarily because they don’t have walls surrounding them, just a makeshift room, making it more feel neither that professional nor legitimate.

There’s no other person in the place but the cook, two waiters, and this one middle aged lady who sits on the other side, far from earshot. He’d think that this place would be going bankrupt soon if not for the fact that it’s a late weeknight, and the fact that this restaurant’s been standing for more than a year.

It’s called The Eve. It’s not an unfamiliar place. In fact, Kyungsoo’s been here before. Ironically enough, with Chanyeol. This was the place Chanyeol took him to in order to fulfil his promise of owing Kyungsoo a drink for helping him make his way to the Physics Lab, during their first meeting. The ordinary way would be to just buy someone coffee, but Park Chanyeol didn’t do ordinary. He did _out of the ordinary_. He coincidentally ran into Kyungsoo right after classes, asked if he was busy, and then when Kyungsoo said he wasn’t, Chanyeol had dragged him way past the campus gates, into downtown streets, took shortcuts and passed through alleyways Kyungsoo never knew existed before, and eventually, they stumbled into The Eve. For drinks. Alcohol.

Kyungsoo wasn’t going to deny how seemingly _extra_ it all was, to treat a complete stranger out to alcohol in a really fucking far restaurant, but he didn’t mind. Especially not when it was the first time he’d actually spoken to Chanyeol, indulging in small talk that shifted into something more personal and passionate, like his favorite subjects, teachers, music, and all the things that fell in between and under, anecdotes and trivia they shared between one another, and Kyungsoo wasn’t even tipsy, but he could feel like he was getting drunk in the moment. He couldn’t get enough of it. Couldn’t get enough of Chanyeol’s eye crinkle, shaped like moon crescents and just as bright, his hearty laugh, his blinding smile. How he seemed to feel everything so strongly and liked to show it – throwing his head back, slamming his hands down on the table, flailing his arms, playfully punching Kyungsoo’s shoulder, draping a casual arm above the younger’s body like it fit there, like it was normal.

It was only a night, really. After that, it was like the moment never happened, because it was inevitably a one-time thing and Chanyeol seemed so at ease with Kyungsoo, so open, but that was Chanyeol, and he was always like that with others. But the feelings Kyungsoo felt at the time only blossomed, rather than wilted. And he let it grow, just because he couldn’t bring it in him to destroy it. It felt so harmless; it didn’t feel like it would get anywhere.

That memory meant a lot to him, though no one knows about its value but him. It meant enough that he often went back to it during his gap semester, when he was far away from everything he knew and left alone to dwell on the things he should’ve regretted, but only missed instead.

He isn’t sure if now is vastly different from the last – and first, technically, for Kyungsoo, at least – time they’d been here, aside from the fact that Kyungsoo had declined Chanyeol’s suggestion for soju. Kyungsoo had enough of alcohol for the week and wasn’t in the mood to make more of a fool out of himself, and Chanyeol had smiled like he said something amusing.

They grill the meat in silence. This is relatively new, because this is the first time they’re ordering food. It’s not awkward. Chanyeol abruptly increases the fire, seemingly impatient about cooking, and Kyungsoo doesn’t even hesitate to hit the other’s tongs with his own, a sign to calm down. Chanyeol pulls back in response and lets Kyungsoo flip and move the meat around.

“Please don’t stab me with those tongs,” Chanyeol says. “But I just want to say one last sorry. Related to last night. I have a feeling that I’m going to be saying sorry a lot for completely different reasons in the near future, but I want to tie things up and get like, effective closure for the party incident.” _Near future_ . Kyungsoo tries not to think too deeply about that. It makes his brows furrow and makes him look like he has an angry face, and he thinks he’s exhausted his muscles too much and slightly freaked Chanyeol out with them. “‘Cause I remember I got your name wrong. I don’t remember what I _said_ , but I know it’s wrong. But that always happens when I drink. Just saying. When Seulgi and I broke up and I got shitfaced two minutes later, I started talking about her to which stranger unfortunately bumped into my ass using a completely different name instead of her actual one because I forgot. Think I called her Seulhee, or something. I don’t know. I’m a bad ex-boyfriend.”

Kyungsoo picks up two beef strips and puts them on Chanyeol’s plate. “Least you weren’t the one that dumped her. It’s always the dumper that gets the world’s biggest shit certificate; not the dumpee.”

“I don’t know if that’s supposed to make me feel better, but thank you.” Chanyeol says, taking a bite off the meat. “Shit, this is good.”

Kyungsoo gets a strip of his own before trying it. It doesn’t taste any different from the ones he usually eats, but his opinion has always tended to be a bit more discriminating compared to others. Baekhyun says it’s what Kyungsoo gets for cooking so much, but Baekhyun can’t really complain when he’s the one who’s already eating Kyungsoo’s dishes before he even properly cooks them. And Kyungsoo can appreciate food, no matter how seemingly simple and basic they are.

“Haven’t you eaten here before?” Kyungsoo asks.

Surprisingly, Chanyeol shakes his head. “The last time was . . . well, with you.” Then his cheeks turn pink, like the fact is a bit– Kyungsoo doesn’t know. Embarrassing. Maybe. He has no idea what’s going on in Chanyeol’s mind, and he doesn’t know if finding out will do him any good. Doesn’t know if it’ll disappoint him or not. Like if, hypothetically, he’s only blushing because the fact sounds gay and kind of weird in the _bad_ way and Chanyeol is none of these things, and Kyungsoo should just stop thinking. “I don’t know. The Eve actually hadn’t been in my mind for awhile until I saw you.”

It’s kind of like a road down nostalgia, except the only thing that’s still the same is that they’re the only two at The Eve and it’s a Wednesday night. Everything else feels different. Is different.

They don’t talk while they eat. The only thing that fills in the silence between them is the sizzling of the rest of the meat, the movement of their chopsticks, the chewing sounds their mouths make. Eating makes it less awkward, because Kyungsoo realizes Chanyeol is naturally more engrossed in his food that he doesn’t consider talking, and it’s easier for Kyungsoo get away with staring at him. It’s not actually that bad, like what Kyungsoo thought it’d be. It’s a good start, at least. Good, considering how terribly the night before went.

At some point, Kyungsoo’s eyes zero in on the white band on Chanyeol’s wrist once more. Unlike last time though, Chanyeol actually notices Kyungsoo doing it.

“Sor–” He stops himself. “I just don’t want to be reminded.”

“I figured.” Kyungsoo says. It’s why Kyungsoo had covered his own wrist with a watch. It was an indirect message. Chanyeol didn’t want to say it, so he just showed it. Kyungsoo gets it. Or, well, he gets _that_ part. “But do you want to know–”

“No.”

Kyungsoo’s momentarily caught off with how fast Chanyeol says it. “Why?”

Chanyeol shrugs. “I just don’t want to know something I can’t change. And what’s the point in knowing something like that?”

“So you can prepare for it.”

“You can never prepare for death.” He says with a wry smile. “It’s death who prepares for you.”

Kyungsoo stares at Chanyeol for a second before snorting softly. “Being cynical doesn’t suit you.”

There’s still a smile on Chanyeol’s face, though it’s a bit more positive and amused than it was a few moments ago. “Do you?”

“No.” Kyungsoo says, looking down and going back to his food, picking up the rest of the food and evenly splitting it between him and Chanyeol. Now Chanyeol has a Drooling Puppy look. “I’m still curious, but I don’t need to know. Not like knowing matters anyway, as you said.”

Chanyeol nods. “I won’t tell you.” He tells him. “But you should know you have a long time. A really, really long time.” he emphasizes. “Long enough that you’ll be able to accomplish all the things you’ve wanted to do. Like your dreams. Aspirations. Bucket list.”

The thought causes a nervous stirring in Kyungsoo’s stomach. It makes him feel unsettled, uncomfortable. Dreams. Aspirations. Bucket list. Chanyeol makes them sound so easy. Makes them sound like they’re possible. Kyungsoo doesn’t understand it.

“So, I know we’re not romantically compatible, and we’re not like, normal soulmates.” Chanyeol begins, snapping Kyungsoo out of his thoughts. “But I’d like us to be friends. If that’s cool with you. Not because we’re soulmates or because I feel bad or something, but because even before, I thought you were a cool guy. I even kind of wanted to be, um, your friend; I just never had the chance or the courage to approach you. Which is, I don’t know. I don’t know why, but I was. And maybe the reason why I never returned here was ‘cause of that. This place was like our special place. Or something.” He stammers. “You don’t– I understand if you don’t want. If what I want is making things harder for you and you’re just not, you know, showing it. I’m chill with whatever.”

He’s not, because he’s back to fidgeting again. He’s bad at hiding his emotions, Kyungsoo notes. And he also gets nervous a lot too. Shy. It was something he hadn’t pegged Chanyeol to ever be, but he also shouldn’t be surprised. He hadn’t really known Chanyeol; he only knew the bits of him, and had become attracted to those. These new qualities and things he’s learning about the other though – they aren’t unappealing. They’re just another part of Chanyeol. It doesn’t throw Kyungsoo off. It just makes him a little more curious, a little more interested.

Kyungsoo swears he doesn’t have it bad. He just has it. It can go away. It’s not impossible.

He doesn’t think he can avoid Chanyeol anyway, even if he wanted to. They’re soulmates, after all. He has this inkling that even if he outright refuses to, it wouldn’t matter, because fate will inevitably pull them back together, somehow. Kyungsoo doesn’t know if he wants to put himself through the trouble of giving himself a hard time, when already, the situation is less than ideal.

But it’s okay; he can move past that. It’s not the worst. It’s just not what he expected. Not what he possibly wanted. He doesn’t mind.

“Special place?” Kyungsoo inquires first, before giving Chanyeol a direct answer.

Chanyeol hums. “Do you know A Walk To Remember?”

“That Nicholas Sparks novel?”

“Yup.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“I don’t know if it makes sense, but that movie was pretty famous. Watched it as a kid. Cried hard. That’s not the point though.” Chanyeol looks down, fiddles with his chopsticks. He almost knocks the glass over with them. Kyungsoo swears his heart almost stopped in horror. “I guess, to me, some of the things that happened there were so iconic that it could only be associate with those characters and their story and nothing else. Like they found their own special thing, and it would only work for them.”

“Like?”

“Like being in two places at once.” Chanyeol smiles, looking wistful. “I think that was their thing. Maybe this could be ours. But it’s a place.”

“But we’re not, you know,” Kyungsoo waves a hand, unsure if he should say it.  

Chanyeol seems to get it, at least, but he doesn’t look deterred. “You can have special places with friends, you know. It’s not that weird.” Maybe to Chanyeol, it isn’t. “So?”

Kyungsoo realizes Chanyeol’s referring to what he said earlier, waiting for Kyungsoo’s answer. Waiting to see if he would be okay with this. With wanting friendship between them but no hopes of a relationship. The thought is bittersweet.

“We’ll see.” is all he says, and fights off the amused grin that threatens to show when Chanyeol whines and pouts in a childlike manner at Kyungsoo’s ambiguous reply.

The rest of the night goes well. And this time, _now_ , it’s startlingly similar to everything before.

⇝

Staying up used to be easy for Kyungsoo. Pulling all-nighters and relying on coffee to remain conscious was something he commonly did, just like many other students, just to be able to maintain his grades (or hobbies, if you’re Byun Baekhyun). This lifestyle has lasted for his entire high school and his first two years of college. As far as he was concerned, it’d only continue like that as time stretched on.

Now though, it seems nearly impossible. It’s as if all he _can_ do is sleep, even if there’s a shit load of work to do, and it just keeps on piling up the more he unintentionally postpones it. Baekhyun says it’s something like depression; Kyungsoo says it’s because his sleep schedule is fucked because of going AWOL for six whole months and trying to adapt to a different environment and different circumstances. He doesn’t actually know which is really true, but he doesn’t want to acknowledge Baekhyun’s take on it. It makes it into a bigger deal than it is.

He’s trying to break the habit, mostly because he _needs_ to so he can go back to his normal life, how it was back in second year and before that, but so far, it’s only been only somewhat successful. Sometimes he manages to stay awake, sometimes he doesn’t.

Today seems to be the latter one. Kyungsoo wakes up sprawled on the bed, face at the end of the mattress rather than by the headboard. His legs are bent, and when he stretches them, trying to use his muscles, his feet brush against a book. He looks and sees that there are also opened texts and flashcards everywhere around him, a sign that he’d been studying before falling asleep. Kyungsoo kind of remembers it.

He’d only been sleeping for an hour or so, and the day isn’t even close to being over, but Kyungsoo briefly gazes at his notes before taking one last glimpse at the book he’d unconsciously shoved aside in his sleep that had the case study he was supposed to answer three days ago, and grunts, deciding to hold it off a bit longer.

Opening the door, he exits his bedroom to head to the kitchen and make some coffee, unable to suppress the yawn that escapes his throat. In the living room, the TV comes alive, playing an episode of a cartoon that he knows Baekhyun likes. On the couch, across the screen, is a tuft of black hair peeking out – Kyungsoo can’t exactly see anything more than that from the distance he’s at, but he doesn’t think much of it. He even thinks it’s just his roommate until he’s officially shut the door to his room and starts walking. The hair moves, hearing the door closing, and Kyungsoo remembers that Baekhyun’s hair is actually chestnut-colored.

“Hey.”

This feels a lot like déjà vu. Didn’t this happen the last time anyway? Kyungsoo had just woken up and found Chanyeol there by the front door of his apartment, and Chanyeol had taken him to The Eve and they had dinner together? That felt like only yesterday.

Except Chanyeol is sitting on his couch, inside his apartment, with a tub of popcorn on his lap, watching Baekhyun’s fucking cartoon.  

Chanyeol waves a hand at Kyungsoo, trying to get his attention.

“What are you doing here?” Kyungsoo demands.

“Kyungsoo! Glad you could make it to the land of the living.” Baekhyun greets, emerging from the bathroom door down the hall. “Also, I invited him. Chanyeol.”

“Why?”

“To . . . hang?” Baekhyun looks at Kyungsoo weirdly. “Because Chanyeol and I are friends? And also, I’m helping him recover from his unfortunate, non-terminal post-breakup blues.”

A beat of silence. Kyungsoo ignores that latter part of what Baekhyun said. “Since when?”

“Ah, Kyungsoo.” Baekhyun rests his hand on Kyungsoo’s shoulder, as if in consolation. “Contrary to what you may think, unlike you, I actually _do_ have more than three friends.”

Kyungsoo scowls and shakes the other off. “Shut up.”   

“In all seriousness though,” Baekhyun says, unaffected. “Don’t act so surprised. I’m a friendly guy. Chanyeol and I are tight. Like pussy.”

Strange, considering Baekhyun’s never even mentioned Chanyeol before to Kyungsoo until now. Not that his roommate knows about Kyungsoo’s crush anyway. Only Jongdae knows, and it’s relieving to know that the other hadn’t snitched. He’s a good guy. Kyungsoo regrets choosing to room with Baekhyun instead of Jongdae.

Kyungsoo scrunches up his nose in distaste. “Please never use that description.”

“I was wondering why this place was so familiar.” Chanyeol says. His eyes look slightly sunken. Kyungsoo feels bad for knowing why. “I’ve actually been here a few times before, but I never knew you were Baekhyun’s roommate.”

“I didn’t even know you two were _friends_.”

“We only got close recently. Around last year? Like, late January.”

“We all bonded during Jongin’s birthday party.” Baekhyun supplies. “Jongin made a bet with Chanyeol and Chanyeol lost, so his flat ass had to give Jongdae a lap dance. Remember that?”

“It was fucking hard to pull that shit off. I don’t know how Jongdae does it.”   

They’re talking about all of Kyungsoo’s friends, ironically enough. Which, though he’ll never admit it to Baekhyun, are unsurprisingly little. “I see.” He simply says. January. It wasn’t that long ago, still within the year, but that time feels so distant now, a barely there memory in Kyungsoo’s mind. “It’s a small world.”

“Almost like fate.” Chanyeol quips, and it’s likely to be unintentional, judging from how he doesn’t even seem to process the weight of the words, like he just says them regularly, but Kyungsoo can’t suppress the small flinch he makes. Chanyeol’s too far away to notice such a miniscule action.

But Baekhyun, regretfully, is close enough. Instead of the suspicious look Kyungsoo expects to see though, there’s only a pleasant, amused smile on his roommate’s face, like he knows something. Or he’s already figured something out. Kyungsoo wants to smack that look off him, but he remembers that Chanyeol’s here, and instead just turns away, goes to the kitchen, and opens the cupboard.

“Right. Whatever.” Kyungsoo says, taking out a mug.

“Province life hasn’t improved you social skills, it seems.” Baekhyun teasingly jabs.

Kyungsoo doesn’t take the bait. “You’re surprised?”

He makes coffee quietly as Baekhyun turns his interest back to Chanyeol and their light chatter fill the room’s silence. Kyungsoo isn’t eavesdropping – he swears he isn’t, but the way the two talk to one another shows a kind of friendship and closeness that he knew never the both of them even had with each other.

He feels strange. Like he’d just miss a piece of a puzzle. Except he’d been technically _given_ the puzzle piece already, and he just didn’t know there was a puzzle to begin with. He isn’t entirely sure what to do, what to feel.

Neither of them pay much attention to him the whole time, more engrossed in whatever topic they’re discussing, but Chanyeol does ask if he wants to stay and watch the movie about to play next after the cartoon ends with them, after Kyungsoo’s finished making his coffee. It’s a kind offer, but he declines, saying that he needs to finish the rest of his homework because he’d been procrastinating this for nearly forever before returning to his room.

He doesn’t immediately do his schoolwork as promised once the door is closed. Instead, he leans by the door, spends a few more minutes listening to Chanyeol and Baekhyun fall back into conversation with the television humming background noise, and decides to finish the rest of his work.  

⇝

“You did not fucking tell me that you were friends with Park Chanyeol.” Kyungsoo seethes to Jongdae the next day.

His friend doesn’t even look up from his phone. “I’m guessing that means Baekhyun told you that the two of them are, as he calls it, _tight like pussy_.”

“Please don’t say it. You’re not helping.” Kyungsoo begs. He doesn’t know why Jongdae likes it so much here by the picnic tables, the ones that don’t have umbrellas to provide shade. It’s most likely because of the sunlight. For once, Kyungsoo lets himself suffer under it, just to be able to talk to his friend who he knows won’t budge from his place. “But more like I walked out of my room and saw Chanyeol lounging on our couch like he belonged there.” He pauses. “Was he the temporarily roommate Baekhyun said he got during my gap semester?”

“Not literally.” Jongdae answers. “Chanyeol didn’t pay for the rent or anything; he just hung around a lot. There were a lot of sleepovers though. Actually, a lot of things happened during your hiatus.” It’s the word his friends had officially decided to use whenever the topic of his gap semester would come up, even if Kyungsoo called it anything but that. Gap semester, leave, AWOL, MIA. Anything but _hiatus_ . But Baekhyun had argued that _hiatus_ was just a nicer way of labelling things, as well as sounding way cooler, because it was like Kyungsoo was some kind of celebrity who went on break or got into a scandal. He still doesn’t like it, but he’s long past trying to convince his friends to do what he wants, because they inevitably tend to do the complete opposite. “Not that they’re that important. Unless you want to know. Because Chanyeol’s in them.” Jongdae grins because he knows that mentioning Chanyeol has some kind of effect on Kyungsoo. The latter’s eye twitches. “Baekhyun didn’t have a temporary roommate; it wasn’t like your parents weren’t still paying for the rent anyway, even if you were gone.” 

Kyungsoo groans, thumping his head against the table. It’s slightly warm and most likely dirty, but he doesn’t care. “I can’t believe you didn’t stop me from confessing to Chanyeol. You _know_ him.”

“I tried.”

“You didn’t try hard enough.”

“What should I have said?”

“A lot of things.” Kyungsoo says. “That he was straight would’ve been more than enough.”

“Hey, I was just as surprised as you were when I found out.” Jongdae points out, finally looking at him. “He doesn’t really act traditionally . . .”

“Male?”

“Straight, actually.” Jongdae says. “Gender is a social construct. Though Chanyeol does wear a lot more makeup than the average person does. Also, he’s really affectionate to boys. Then again, he could be like that with all his friends. Maybe it’s not that deep. Maybe everything is a social construct.”

Kyungsoo just makes a distressed sound. “I swear Baekhyun invited Chanyeol over on purpose. He knows— I’m pretty sure he knows. It was in his goddamn face. He knows something.”

“Baekhyun _always_ knows something. It’s nothing new.” Jongdae tells him. “What are you going to do about Chanyeol?”

“What _can_ I do?” He lifts his head up, looking at his friend.

“A lot more than you could before. It’s not like you two aren’t talking now, and you’re soulmates.”

“He doesn’t want us to be.” Kyungsoo says, resting his chin on his open palms, elbows on the table. “Didn’t I tell you this already?”

“Right after your date with him.” Jongdae supplies.

Kyungsoo huffs. “It wasn’t a date; it was just dinner.”

“You wish it was though.”

It isn’t a statement, but a question. Kyungsoo doesn’t want to say something he’d regret, so he doesn’t answer immediately.

“I’ll get over it.”

Jongdae doesn’t say anything, at first. Then, “Yeah? Seems like the list keeps on piling up. You missed a lot, ‘Soo.”

“I know.” Kyungsoo replies, staring straight ahead of him.

“Things are different now.”

Jongdae isn’t talking about the academics. He isn’t talking about Kyungsoo’s new habits and the others he lost in the process. He’s referring to everything else. He’s referring to Kyungsoo’s life. His experiences. The things he could’ve had if he kept up with the world’s relentless pace and hadn’t come to a standstill instead. He’s referring to the sinking reality that the people around him have built something special while he was gone, created new memories, filled in the gap he left behind when he had to go. The truth that people have changed – Baekhyun no longer leaves the door unlocked, Jongin becoming harder to approach because of how busy he is, Jongdae focusing more on all his academics and activities Kyungsoo doesn’t know of – and he feels like he’s still the same.

Kyungsoo knows that things are different. It’s only been a month and he’s so painfully aware of it. His life has already turned a 180 ever since last December, and it already went another round again with the party, with the confession, with the soulmates, with _Chanyeol_ , just in general, and he hadn’t known it until he went back to the start and realized that he couldn’t take a step forward without expecting for a possible fall.

Things are different. They aren’t the same. He knows this. He hates how there’s still a part of him that hopes for something else, the past that he had and was content with living in.

But the world would not grant him that. The world would not wait for him, and it especially wouldn’t change for him.

“I know.” Kyungsoo says. “So am I.”

⇝

It isn’t even daybreak when he disembarks from the bus, planning to head back to his apartment. In all fairness, he did think it would take more time to get here, because Jongdae’s place is so far from everyone that just walking there is nearly impossible, and he always ends up being late when he leaves his friend’s house  an hour before class even starts.

The lampposts are still on as he walks through the streets, passing by closed shops and a few early risers who decide to go jogging. He’s slightly sleepy, so he quickly drops by a convenience store still open and purchases coffee. He silently curses Jongdae for making him stay over the night prior just to help him with his bills, just because he takes accounting and knows a thing or two about handling money and Jongdae is too occupied to learn about it himself, because now Kyungsoo’s tired, hasn’t completed his homework, and had to leave early to make Baekhyun breakfast and pack himself some lunch. The things he does for his friends. At least Jongdae gave him some takoyaki in return as payment. Even though he’s eating it slowly and it’s been out for a while, it’s still warm inside the plastic bag.

When he finally spots his apartment building, his pace quickens, gaze solely focused on where his home lies, not paying attention to his surroundings. It’s then does he nearly run into some oncoming joggers, only barely managing to dodge them by twisting his body. It works and they don’t touch, but the scenario is enough to faze one of the joggers to trip on nothing and fall face flat on the pavement. Kyungsoo winces; the jogger’s companion stops, turning around and revealing a chiselled, handsome face.

With a clear foreign accent, he turns to his fallen friend and asks, “Are you okay?”

His companion groans before sitting up. He’s in a sleeveless top, and Kyungsoo watches with poorly hidden interest as the other’s biceps flex as he gets up, something nagging at his brain and telling him that this guy is familiar. Then the jogger turns around and Kyungsoo’s eyes widen to see none other than Park Chanyeol in front of him.

Shit.

“Yeah,” Chanyeol says to his friend, before looking to see who he nearly ran into. His eyes widen the same way Kyungsoo’s does. “Kyungsoo!” he exclaims, hands flailing in excitement. They almost hit Kyungsoo in the jaw. There’s sweat all over Chanyeol’s face and his bangs are pushed back from his face with a sports headband; Kyungsoo hates how he thinks it makes Chanyeol look hot despite how disgusting it is in truth. “What are you doing here this early in the morning?”

“I was, uh, just heading back, actually.” Kyungsoo stutters, not ready for the sudden question. “I stayed overnight at my friend’s and I left really early. So I could make Baekhyun breakfast.” He has no idea why he’s basically telling Chanyeol all this when he didn’t ask, but Chanyeol doesn’t look annoyed at Kyungsoo oversharing. He clears his throat. “Are you going on a morning jog or something?”

Chanyeol snorts loudly. “Oh, god no.” he says. “I’m actually running – literally, running – some Soundwave errands with my buddy Yixing here.” Yixing waves at him; Kyungsoo awkwardly waves back before returning to Chanyeol. “Why, does it look like I am? Is it the headband?” Kyungsoo just nods. The taller grins. “I was planning on hitting the gym later, actually, but I feel kinda tired.” Chanyeol’s stomach grumbles, just then, and then his eyes flicker towards the takoyaki ball pierced by the stick Kyungsoo’s holding. “And hungry.”

“Do you want some?” Kyungsoo offers.

“Yes!” Chanyeol exclaims loudly, before realizing that he should calm down. “If that’s alright with you.”

Kyungsoo shrugs and just hands him the bag. As Chanyeol opens the plastic bag and takes out a stick, Yixing looks between the two of them, as if trying to figure something out.

“I’m just gonna go ahead.” He tells Chanyeol. “You’ll follow?”

“Definitely.” Chanyeol says, distracted by the food.

Yixing nods and then takes off. Kyungsoo turns back to Chanyeol, who already looks like he’s contemplating on getting another stick, the first one already long gone and finished.  

“So,” Kyungsoo starts, slightly in disbelief with himself because he’s starting a conversation. “Errands this early in the morning?”

“Yup.” Chanyeol nods. “We’re trying to finalize the dates for all our official showcases this early into the year. We’ve never done that before, because the old heads like doing things sporadic, but this year, I want something different. Something arranged and spread out properly throughout the year. I’ve got everything planned from start to finish.” He explains proudly, puffing his chest. “That’s why I’m up here this early in the morning. Our first showcase is coming soon, so we’re going to meet up with the owner of where we’re going to host the event.”

“At this time?”

“Weird, right? I don’t know; I feel like questioning it will get me nowhere. I just don’t wanna be late to the meeting. Make a good impression and all.”

“Sounds hard being President.”

“It is, but you know, at least I can easily decide what the org does. It’s easier for us to venture into new territory.”

“Yeah?”

“Mhm,” Chanyeol hums. “We’re still gonna focus on different types of performance, but I’m gonna make sure each event focuses on a particular specialty, like pure singing or playing instruments in one event, and pure acting in another.” He says. “Every member is required to perform in at least two; one they’re good at, and another they aren’t that much. It’s a way to try out new things.” He spreads out his hands in gesture. “Expand their craft and skill set, especially if they have potential for something else.”

“Oh. That sounds cool.” Kyungsoo says, unsure of how else to respond. _Thank you for sharing this to me?_ He does think it’s strange that Chanyeol’s telling him so much of this all at once, without prompting, but maybe that’s just because the other recognizes Kyungsoo as someone he’s close with, enough to show him all his plans and what he has in store for the members and the world. But Chanyeol’s also just a naturally talkative person. Kyungsoo wonders if it can possibly be both. He does appreciate how the other’s telling him these things though. They’re interesting, and he likes the look on Chanyeol’s face when he talks about it. Likes how passionate he is. Kyungsoo thinks it’s what makes the other suited for his position as head.

Chanyeol nods before taking another bite of the takoyaki, remembering that he’s still holding onto it. He moans, almost as if he’s starved for not having eaten for years. Kyungsoo thinks it’s amusing and endearing to see. “I haven’t had takoyaki in a while.” He says. “It’s my favorite. I love it.”

“Me too.” Kyungsoo can’t help but agree.

“Really?” Chanyeol’s eyes are shining, like the fact makes him pleased. Kyungsoo feels suddenly shy.

“Do you want more?” he asks. “I’m not that hungry anyway.” A lie, but he can make do. His apartment isn’t far anyway.

“It’s okay.” Chanyeol declines, handing him back the plastic bag. “This is enough. Thank you. I owe you one.”

“I think once is enough.”

“No, I’m serious.” Chanyeol insists. “I’ll treat you out to some takoyaki. The ones the vendors sell in the night markets.”

“Really?”

“You bet.” The older firmly says. “It’s a promise.”

Kyungsoo smiles. “I’ll hold you to that then.”

Chanyeol nods before glancing at his watch. “I better get going before Yixing has to deal with everything. See you sometime?”

“I, uh, yeah.” Kyungsoo stammers, surprised at Chanyeol’s words. “See you.”

Chanyeol mock-salutes before turning around and departing. Kyungsoo watches his retreating figure until he’s completely gone, and his stomach flips. He thinks his cheeks are still a bit red.

⇝

Baekhyun and Taeyeon are busy making out in the couch when Kyungsoo’s phone rings. Kyungsoo jumps from his seat by the kitchen island, and grimaces when he looks away from his textbook and sees who’s calling. For a few seconds, he doesn’t do anything, just stares at his phone, willing it to go to _missed call_ already. But then Baekhyun pulls away from Taeyeon’s face to glare at Kyungsoo from across the living room. Kyungsoo thinks he has more of the right to be doing that. “Aren’t you gonna answer that?”

Kyungsoo just scowls at him, but grabs his phone and stalks back his room, book discarded. He’d take watching his friend and his soulmate make out over seeing the name plastered on his screen, but it occurs to him that having a _missed call_ isn’t going to stop them from calling even more.

“Hi.” Kyungsoo greets, when he finally answers the call. “Hey, Mom.”

 _“Kyungsoo! Finally, you answered.”_ She exclaims from the receiver. _“Sorry I haven’t called in a while. Mom is busier than she looks, but finally, I’m on a short vacation now, so I decided to check up on you.”_

“Thank you.” he replies, trying not to grit his teeth.

His mother hums. “ _How is school? How are your grades? You’ve caught up just fine, right? You aren’t struggling or having a hard time, are you?”_

“No. My grades are pretty decent, and catching up wasn’t difficult.” Just a really long process. Summer didn’t feel like summer, but Kyungsoo hadn’t complained, more grateful for the fact that he could return to school after beginning to believe he’d never get to.

_“Really now? You wouldn’t lie to me, right?”_

“I wouldn’t.” he lies.

 _“That’s great to hear them.”_ She chirps. “ _Now, have you met anyone yet? Any girls?”_

“Mom.” Kyungsoo lets himself sigh. “I just came back from school. I don’t have time to chase after girls, what more _date_ them.”

 _“But you just said you weren’t struggling! Surely you could make time for that. You do know that it’s important to balance both your academic life_ and _love life. It’s a sign of great character.”_

“The new lessons and stuff we’re taking up are more time-consuming than I thought. Plus, my friends eat up the rest of it.”

_“Do they?”_

“Yeah,” he says. “They’re making up for all the time we’ve lost. I’ve been gone for a while; they miss me.”

 _“Your friends.”_ She repeats, as if thinking of something. “ _Who are all men.”_

He hesitates. “Yeah.”

“ _Kyungsoo.”_ Kyungsoo winces at the mention of his name, the poorly hidden suspicion in her tone. “ _Is there something I should know?”_

“No. Don’t worry.” Kyungsoo reassures her, having expected this. “They’re all straight.”

_“And?”_

Kyungsoo bites his lip. At least she can’t see him. He wants to throw up. “So am I.”

 _“Yes.”_ He can almost imagine her nodding. _“I like that conviction. Good to know that all the money and time we spent for your therapy and the province stay wasn’t for naught.”_

“Yeah,” Kyungsoo agrees, unable to stop his voice from getting softer, a bit meeker. His mother doesn’t seem to notice that.

 _“I suppose it is too early to be bringing this up.”_ She says. _“But it’d be great if you already found someone by now. You’re in your third year of college, Kyungsoo dear. Isn’t it odd that you haven’t dated anyone this entire time?”_

“Well–”

 _“I mean, I understand that your situation isn’t entirely . . . normal. Especially given what happened last year. So of course you might have a more difficult time than others.”_ She continues, completely ignoring him. “ _So I won’t nag about it. Yet. But you should at least have a girlfriend at the end of the year. Your father and I are worried for you, Kyungsoo. But we trust you to find the right person, even if leaving you alone to your own devices before seems to have been a big mistake. We’re trying to be open here though. So we’re putting our faith in you to make the right decision and find the right girl. We aren’t getting any younger, and we want to see our second son to be happy and have a normal life. Just like Seungsoo. We have a few pretty girls in mind as a last resort, if you can’t find any, but I’m confident it won’t come to that. My son isn’t pathetic. Is he?”_

“No, he isn’t.”

 _“Speaking of normal life,”_ she continues. “ _Your friends still don’t know what happened to you during your gap semester, right? As far as they’re concerned, it was just a family matter?”_

“Yes.” He says. Another lie, just like majority of this conversation. Jongdae and Baekhyun refused to settle with a vague answer for his disappearance; he could argue and say that he only gave in because of how relentless they were, but maybe the truth was that he didn’t want to really keep it in. He was someone who kept to himself, sure, but this was the kind of thing that just hurt to know alone. To go through alone. Baekhyun and Jongdae couldn’t relate to his situation, to his issue, but their support and anger for him and what he went through was enough. Their acceptance of him was everything, and why he hadn’t regretted coming out, even if it was a decision that went anything but well for his own family.

 _“Good, good.”_ His mother says. _“We don’t want people knowing about the details of this . . . problematic matter. It’s a family secret.”_

“I know.” he replies. Family shame, is what she doesn’t explicitly say.

His mother seems to sense the discomfort in his voice, because she adds, “ _You know we’re doing this because we love you, right? You can’t live a good life if you’re being held back by your mistakes. If you’re lucky, you’ll meet people who will see past them and still see you as you are, but most of the world? They aren’t like that. Your sordid past and actions, to them, will make up your entire image in their eyes, and they won’t be able to view you any other way as much as you try to be better and show how much you’ve changed. It’s not your fault; it’s the world’s. We just don’t want you get hurt.”_

“I understand.” Kyungsoo replies. Then, mustering up all the courage and strength he can, he says, “Thank you, mom.”

 _“Anytime, Kyungsoo.”_ She says softly. “ _I need to hang up now. I have a flight to catch. I’m going to meet your father soon. He’s in Hawaii, at the moment, enjoying the beach and the rich culture it has.”_ She sighs wistfully _. “If only you could join us. You always did say you loved the beach.”_

“It’s okay.” He says. “School’s more important. I hope you have fun.”

 _“I will!”_ she reassures him. “ _Goodbye, Kyungsoo.”_

After the call ends, Kyungsoo tosses his phone to the table without a word and flops on his bed. He feels like ripping his hair out, but resorts to screaming into his pillow instead, muffling the sound. When he lifts his head, he blinks and realizes his eyes are watery. He immediately wipes his upset tears away and sits up. His phone dings, and he tenses, thinking it’s a last minute text message from his mom, but when he crawls over to the edge of the mattress to look at his device, it’s just a reminder that he should start making dinner.

He sighs and gets up, exiting his bedroom. Taeyeon is still there, but he isn’t bothered by the sight of her. In fact, he’s grateful. It means he has to cook for three, which means more cooking and distraction time from his thoughts, and Baekhyun’s too focused on her to notice Kyungsoo’s mood drop.

Kyungsoo turns the stove on and heads to their pantry, pushing his frustrations away for the time-being.

He makes kimchi, one of the few things his mother taught him how to make during the rare times they got to have together. His heart softens at the memory, makes him realize he can’t hate her, despite her words and lack of understanding. She cares, in her own way.

It doesn’t mean it hurts any less.

⇝

Almost three months into the year, Kyungsoo comes up with a written list of things he likes about Chanyeol and things he doesn’t.

He keeps each list strictly in one page each and buries them deep within a notebook of his no one knows about – not even Baekhyun, despite how good of a snoop he is, because Kyungsoo’s made sure that his roommate doesn’t even know of its existence. It’s the closest thing he’d get to a diary, but it’s also not a diary, because he (1) isn’t sixteen anymore and (2) doesn’t write down everything special that goes on. He doesn’t even write a lot of stuff there.

The lists are, as follows, but are not limited to:

 **_things I like about my soulmate_ ** :

  * Always early
  * Diverse music taste
  * Multi-talented
  * Knowledgeable
  * Clean plate after eating
  * Goal-driven; doesn’t quit
  * Likes dogs
  * Muscles
  * Smiles a lot, laughs a lot, and always means it
  * ~~Cute. An actual puppy~~



**_things I don’t like about my soulmate_ ** :

  * Loud about everything
  * Too clumsy; cannot be trusted with anything sharp and breakable
  * Likes watching horror movies
  * Spam messages
  * Drinks a lot
  * Eats too much mints
  * Too much stuff toys
  * A huge flirt
  * No sense of personal space
  * ~~Straight~~



Like everything else on his notebook (which are really just a bunch of lists, like groceries, things he has to do over the break, things his friends like so he can buy it for them when the occasion calls for it, etc.), he makes them to sort things out properly in his head. So he won’t forget. So he’ll be reminded.

Of what – he’s still working on it. But maybe it has something to do with his feelings. Maybe. They’re confusing at best, even with the compilation supposedly spelling things out for him. He still doesn’t know if his crush on Chanyeol has faded or has amplified instead, doesn’t know if it was best to still spend time with the other instead of staying away and letting the feelings wilt away like they should, when there’s enough distance and distractions for it to disappear.

The fluttery feelings whenever Chanyeol does something particularly _Chanyeol_ – like stumble on his own two feet, drumming his fingers against any surface, flashing his toothy grin, failing his arms when he gets excited, unconsciously changing his humming into soft singing, wherever he is – haven’t faded, but Kyungsoo’s so used to them at this point that it doesn’t affect him anymore the way it would’ve before. He doesn’t blush or get embarrassed or make a fool out of himself as much as he used to, but his heart still acts up and he thinks of all the wrong thoughts that would’ve been acceptable if he thought of them a year ago. But they’re just thoughts. They don’t go anywhere.

Sometimes he lets himself believe that these thoughts are normal because he thinks these things with all his other friends, like _what ifs_ and possibilities that can happen but won’t.. Sometimes he can convince himself that he’s immune to his feelings, like he’s fucking Superman, impenetrable and unaffected. Does physically not reacting to feeling things equate to not having feelings at all? He doesn’t really know. He doesn’t usually think too deeply about these things, and he doesn’t want to talk to Jongdae about it, because it might confirm something he doesn’t want to know, might make him realize something he doesn’t want to truly acknowledge.

However, since talking won’t do, hence the creation of the lists. They don’t feel that helpful, the more Kyungsoo stares at them, but he just closes the notebook instead of ripping the pages out and tossing them away. The last thing he wants is Baekhyun finding out about it by going through his trash.

⇝

Like most Soundwave events, this one – a spoken word-centered one, specifically – is held in a café. Kyungsoo doesn’t know the name of this one, nor has he been here often, but he knows he’s visited it before, most likely because of a previous Soundwave event. Chanyeol had asked Kyungsoo to try out and come as a participant rather than just be part of the audience, but even with a small crowd watching, Kyungsoo refused, blaming it on stage fright and the lack of an affinity for the craft. Chanyeol hadn’t pushed.

Today’s showcase happens in a somewhat blur, a two-hour program that flies by as the light outside grows brighter, the sun settling into its usual noon glow. Kyungsoo only vaguely pays attention, even though he genuinely enjoys listening to spoken word and going to Soundwave events, because he feels like it’s been forever since he’s attended that it takes a while for him to soak in everything going around. He only regains his focus when Chanyeol comes up the stage and performs a piece with vague allusions to bullying. The general spectrum of speaking out about social issues is nothing new, but this specific topic – Kyungsoo’s only recognizing it now. He remembers what Chanyeol had said to him before, and wonders if his poems and works have always been like that, asides from the occasional love poem that comes up. Wonders if other people know the backstory behind Chanyeol’s words or just think it’s another one of those things where someone knows a struggle very well despite never going through it. Kyungsoo doesn’t know if it’s right, but he takes some sort of satisfaction in believing that he may know something others don’t about Chanyeol.

When it ends, Kyungsoo doesn’t leave immediately. He’d ordered a cup of coffee beforehand and still hadn’t finished it, so he drinks it as others depart and the café begins to become more spacious and less suffocating. By the time he finishes, almost no one is there besides the employees, Yixing, another person he doesn’t recognize, and Chanyeol, who seemed to have been fixing his things that had been left scattered on his table a few meters away from Kyungsoo’s own – a clipboard, a pencil case, tiny receipts, and others.

Chanyeol, who is now walking towards him.

“You didn’t have to wait for me.” Chanyeol says cheekily, standing in front of him.

Kyungsoo shrugs. “Who said I was waiting?” He leans forward and Chanyeol’s eyes trail to the coffee mug before looking back at him.

Chanyeol’s smile is unwavering, unbothered by Kyungsoo’s words. “Wanna go out for lunch?”

Kyungsoo blinks, surprised at the sudden offer. “What?”

“Lunch.” Chanyeol repeats. “Aren’t you hungry?”

He is. The coffee hasn’t quelled that. Still, he doesn’t answer just yet, choosing to squint suspiciously at Chanyeol instead. It’s not like they don’t hang out often, but it’s never out of nowhere, never unprompted and unplanned, like this. He doesn’t know why it feels like such a big deal.

Then he remembers the other two people inside the café, and spots them watching them both from a distance. Specifically at Chanyeol.

Kyungsoo gestures at their general direction. “Aren’t you busy? They seem to be waiting for you.”

Chanyeol just waves a hand in dismissal. “I’m not tagging along with them.” Then he turns to his friends –  Yixing and his other friend – and says, “Go on without me. I have other plans.” And they look at him in confusion before taking one glance at Kyungsoo, and just deciding to leave.

“Were you–”

“I’d rather spend time with you.” Chanyeol cuts him off. His grin is back, and he looks at Kyungsoo expectantly, waiting for an answer.

“The fuck,” is all Kyungsoo mutters. For a brief second, his heart stops at Chanyeol’s choice of words. Then it returns to its natural rhythm, as if nothing happened. “Weirdo. What kind of reason is that?”

Chanyeol pouts. “It’s a great one.” he argues. “Cheesy lines are the best lines.”

Kyungsoo rolls his eyes. “Do you want me to say yes or not?”

“Does that mean you’re already on board?” Chanyeol says, and it’s his eyes that give away his emotions instead of his smile.

Kyungsoo looks at him and tries getting used to seeing his face so it wouldn’t make him feel so much. It doesn’t seem to be working, and from the way Chanyeol’s face is slowly morphing into confusion tells him that he’s been silent for too long, so Kyungsoo just says, “Whatever” and it’s a response enough. Chanyeol looks pleased; Kyungsoo can’t tell if there’s a motif behind it or not.

Maybe Chanyeol genuinely wants to spend time with him, despite how sudden it is. Kyungsoo won’t question it; he’s too busy internally enjoying it too much.

⇝

Not even ten minutes in the restaurant does Kyungsoo realize how wrong he is.

They settle in a nearby McDonald’s, occupying a two-seater at the center of the fast food branch and digging into their burgers and fries. There’s no conversation flitting between them, and Kyungsoo doesn’t think much of it, because this is normal, but a few minutes later, Kyungsoo looks up, notices how Chanyeol’s gaze has fixed at whatever is past him for a while, and realizes what’s going on after following his gaze. Chanyeol hasn’t even seemed to notice Kyungsoo looking back.

“You bastard.” Kyungsoo tells him. Chanyeol then finally turns to Kyungsoo, alarmed but not really confused, because even with only a few words, Kyungsoo knows Chanyeol has an idea on what he’s talking about.

“What?”

“You know what.” Kyungsoo says. “I don’t know her name, but it’s her, isn’t it? One of the performers. That’s why we’re here.” She’s definitely not someone from their university, that’s for sure. But non-members and people from other places were allowed to perform in Soundwave events as long as they signed up and conformed to the basic rules they had. There were only a lot of them during larger events, but during the usual ones, they’d usually range from five to nine, and Kyungsoo would never know any of them. Rarely anyone who wasn’t already a member performed constantly. They were always one-time things.

Kyungsoo doesn’t know if this girl is new, or Chanyeol’s just never done anything about it even now. She sits a few tables away from them, by the window, with a friend who Kyungsoo had seen sitting in the café, watching her perform. The girl doesn’t even seem to notice the way Chanyeol’s been staring at her ever since they sat down.

It’s not like Chanyeol’s attraction is unfounded though. She is undoubtedly pretty, model-worthy even with minimal make-up, and she seems like a generally pleasant person to talk to. (Not that Kyungsoo has enough experience under his belt to be a great judge of character, but all his friends are more or less decent.) If Kyungsoo wasn’t so gay, he’d probably like her that way as well. But he doesn’t, and it’s why he’s vaguely annoyed with Chanyeol and his true intention for inviting him over.

“No, we’re not.” Chanyeol denies, breaking his gaze to finally look at the other. “We’re here for food. Lunch. Quality time together.”

Kyungsoo just stares at him. Chanyeol looks down at his food, giving in. “Her name’s Bae Joohyun. But she said that people just call her Irene right before she performed. It was a beautiful poem.”

Kyungsoo snorts. “You’re a shit friend.”

“I’m a great friend. I paid for this meal.”

“Why don’t you just talk to her?” he asks, exasperated, somewhat fed up with Chanyeol’s bullshit. He doesn’t mention how he hates how the other involves him in things related to his love life, but he can’t complain when it’s a good excuse to spend more time with him and know what’s going on in his life in general. And Kyungsoo wouldn’t get that if he was honest with his distaste. Kyungsoo’s taking what he can get; he can’t expect to like all of it. “You look ridiculous, staring at her like that.” Chanyeol’s got this lovesick face on, and Kyungsoo’s already sick of it. It hasn’t even been that long.

“I’m in my mourning period.” Chanyeol argues, but he’s still blatantly staring at her. “I can’t just approach her like that. I’m not ready. My heart isn’t ready for that.”

“Your eyes sure are.” Kyungsoo dryly remarks. It’s been around two months since Chanyeol and Seulgi broke it off. He doesn’t know what constitutes as the perfect time period to mope before moving on, but he doesn’t think it’s all that surprising that Chanyeol’s already into someone, no matter how small. “Have you ever spoken to her?”

“I, uh, asked her to put her signature beside her name when she entered right before the showcase started?” he says. Kyungsoo gives him an unimpressed look. “What?”

“Fucking hell.” Kyungsoo sighs. “It’s not like anyone’s asking you to go down on one knee and propose.” He tells him. “And it’s not like you can’t just go to her and strike up a conversation. You’re not social inept. And you’re not absolute strangers.”

“I can’t do that. That’s weird. We’re in McDonald’s! I don’t even have an excuse to talk to her.”

“Should’ve done it back in the café.” Kyungsoo comments. “But you didn’t, so we’re stuck here.”

Chanyeol pouts, banging his head on the dirty, white table. Kyungsoo is a bit disgusted. “‘Soo,” he whines. “This is so hard.”

Kyungsoo pretends like Chanyeol using his nickname doesn’t affect him. “Stop making a big deal out of this.” he says, pinching his ear. Chanyeol groans in pain, even if Kyungsoo isn’t exerting much effort, mostly being loud for dramatic effect. It works, in the sense that a few of the people around them glance their way. Kyungsoo sneaks a quick look behind him before bending forward. “Irene’s looking our way, just saying. Might as well take advantage of this.”  

“I hate you.” Chanyeol bemoans. “You’re a shit friend.”

“I’m a great friend.” Kyungsoo replies, echoing the other’s words earlier. “I’m still here, aren’t I?”

He doesn’t want to be. Sometimes he hates how he craves Chanyeol’s time so much that he’d always say _yes_ at the offer for his company, because there are inevitable instances when he ends up regretting it. Like now. He feels sick to his stomach.

“Are you sure?” Chanyeol asks.

Kyungsoo picks a fry and tosses it in his mouth. “Mhm.”

“Really?”

It’s the request for approval and sudden, genuine uncertainty in Chanyeol’s voice that makes Kyungsoo look at him. Chanyeol’s head is slightly lifted up, showing his face, but Kyungsoo still has to gaze down.

Chanyeol continues. “Is it okay?”

Kyungsoo’s still confused. He doesn’t get why Chanyeol’s unsure, why he’s asking. Does his opinion really matter that much?

“Can I?”

At that, Kyungsoo frowns. “Why can’t you?” _Why are you looking for my permission?_

“‘Cause you’re,” And Chanyeol doesn’t finish. He doesn’t need to.

Kyungsoo unconsciously glances at his wrist, where the timer should be, even if he can’t see it, covered by a watch, as it always is. Kyungsoo gets what Chanyeol’s referring to, but he doesn’t know if it’s because of this or something else. Doesn’t know if it’s because they’re soulmates, or because it’s Kyungsoo himself. Because Kyungsoo liked him (for a time) and Chanyeol knew of it. Still knows. Still remembers.

(Of course he does. It’s only been a few months. And Kyungsoo never asked him to forget, to never bring it up. Chanyeol could do whatever he wanted with that piece of him that he gave, while Kyungsoo would pretend like it never happened. Like Chanyeol’s words hadn’t already shattered it into bits.)

A small part of him is glad that Chanyeol cares enough to ask. Is sensitive enough to be aware of how it affects Kyungsoo. The larger part is not so positive. He knows, after all, that even if Chanyeol cares, it doesn’t matter. Because they are not together, because Chanyeol will never like him the way he wants him to, and because Kyungsoo knows he knows, most importantly, what his answer will be, even without asking.

“That doesn’t matter.” Kyungsoo replies, quiet. “You know that.”

“I know.”

“If anything, shouldn’t you be asking Seulgi that?”

Upon hearing her name, Chanyeol scoffs. “She doesn’t owe me anything anymore.”

Kyungsoo can’t help but let his lips curve up at his words, but it’s half-amused and half-bitter, still. “That’s new.” Chanyeol wouldn’t have said that a month or two back. The fact that he is now – it’s a symbol of growth. Kyungsoo tries to be proud.

“You should go.” Kyungsoo tells him. Chanyeol gives him this kind of look that makes Kyungsoo remember he never told him what he felt about the prospect of him asking a girl out. That makes Kyungsoo realize this is what Chanyeol’s been seeking for. His feelings. But Kyungsoo will not give him that. Chanyeol’s empathy is Kyungsoo’s punishment, and Kyungsoo’s feelings are Chanyeol’s burden to bear. And who is Kyungsoo to make it heavier than it already is when he can lighten it instead? Why do badly when you know you can better? “Don’t keep her waiting.”

“Okay.” Chanyeol says, reaching out to squeeze Kyungsoo’s hand, accepting it. Kyungsoo freezes at the gesture, at the sudden warmth enveloping his hand and in his chest, but Chanyeol doesn’t seem to notice. “Okay.”

It doesn’t hurt, the way Chanyeol stands up and walks towards Irene’s direction, striking up a conversation in a matter of seconds, already pulling out an extra chair to sit beside her. The friend leaves, eventually, but Chanyeol and Irene continue talking. It doesn’t hurt, the way he brushes his arm against hers as they speak, when he says something and she laughs, causing him to make that big dumb, satisfied grin of his. It doesn’t hurt, when Kyungsoo’s finished all his food and realizes he doesn’t have a reason to still be here, and how when he decides to slip out, Chanyeol doesn’t even look at his direction. It doesn’t hurt, the quietness that wraps itself around Kyungsoo as he walks home alone, how he can’t enjoy the silence when his head is buzzing with thoughts of Chanyeol and Irene and his heart is brimming with emotions he’s always had but never once asked for. It doesn’t hurt.   

Because if it does, then it means he still likes Chanyeol in _that_ way. And he doesn’t. He’s immune. Fucking Superman and all.

⇝

 **_things I don’t like about my soulmate_ ** :

  * ~~Messes with my feelings~~



⇝

The library is one of Kyungsoo’s favorite places because it’s a relatively quiet place, large enough for anyone to easily find a place to stay and do their work, large enough for Kyungsoo to hide in a corner and remain unseen and unnoticed as he does whatever he wants to do. What makes it an added bonus, apparently, is also how no one will really scold you if you talk. The librarians are kind and the building is spacious enough for chatter to come about and not truly disturb anyone, so long as no one shouts or speaks at their normal volume. Someplace in between that and whispering though is fine. Not that it affects Kyungsoo that much. He’s not a loud talker to begin with, and he never goes to the library to make noise.

Baekhyun though, is another story.

“Why are you here.” Kyungsoo asks in a resigned tone, cutting straight to the chase.

Baekhyun pulls out the seat across Kyungsoo and sits down, clasping his hands and leaning forward innocently. Kyungsoo doesn’t even spare him a glance, eyes still trained down at the book laid on the table. “What if I just wanted to see my roommate?”

Kyungsoo sighs. So much for peace and quiet. “Baekhyun.”

“Fine.” Baekhyun shrugs. “Did you know that I went to this one class over the summer to learn about concept mapping to better organize my thoughts when I’d write? They talked about different ways and showed us different diagrams, and concept maps that were good versus concept maps that were not. One of the bad ones was using lists, apparently. They work for the small, objective things, but in the long run, aren’t helpful to make big decisions and thought processing. They’re constricting and weird and I literally don’t know anyone who does and _can_ do that but you, and other freaks. And again, I don’t know anyone who can do that but you, so you’re the only freak.”

“It’s something you’ve mentioned once or twice.” Kyungsoo says casually. “Where are you going with this?” He finally lifts his head up, finally accepting that he isn’t going to get any work done with the other here. The latter’s thumbing through the pages of a very familiar notebook, and stops at a page, turning it to show it to Kyungsoo.

“Well, I’m not planning on refuting that statement anytime soon.” He says. “A little birdie found something very interesting lying on the table of your desk this morning.” Baekhyun’s showing the most recent entry. Kyungsoo’s blood goes cold. “Do you happen to know about it?”

“Fuck you.” Kyungsoo snaps, as he snatches the notebook away from Baekhyun’s hands. The latter lets him, still smirking slightly, resting his cheek on his palm as he watches Kyungsoo tuck the object someplace out of sight. Kyungsoo hopes he doesn’t look as embarrassed as he feels. “I can’t believe you went to my bedroom and found it.”

“I can’t believe you were stupid enough to leave your door unlocked and for me to find it lying there in the first place.” Baekhyun easily counters. “Though I have to hand it to you, keeping it hidden away from me for almost three years is quite a feat. Congratulations.”

“You can keep it.” Kyungsoo grumbles. “You’re never seeing this notebook every again.”

“Not like I need to anymore.” Baekhyun says. “I never thought you’d have such a specific type though. Clean plate, early bird, dog-lover, ripped, what else. . .”

Kyungsoo closes the book he was previous reading to whack him in the head.  “Shut up.”

“Yeah, no.” says Baekhyun, grinning. “This is the juiciest thing that’s happened this entire week. And the descriptions . . . talented, driven, good music taste, smiley, loud, clumsy, horror movie enthusiast, flirt, no sense of personal space. Ah, and there’s your poor excuse for scratching out mistakes with your pen. You’re such a neat freak, but when it comes to your notebooks, you just draw slashes on top of your errors instead of writing them on new paper or using correction. Shame on you.”

Kyungsoo chokes on his own spit, and it’s too late for him to cover it up. “I can’t believe you memorized it.”

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you met your soulmate.”

“For a very good reason.” Kyungsoo says.

“But Jongdae knows?”

“Jongdae told you?”

“Of course he’d tell me.” Baekhyun scoffs. “I’m your roommate.”

“Something I regret agreeing to every single day.”

“When did this happen?” Baekhyun demands, slamming his hands against the table. It creates a sound loud enough for a couple of people near their area to look at their direction, and Kyungsoo glares at him. Baekhyun doesn’t even blink. “This tea needs to be spilled.”

“I have no idea what that means,” Kyungsoo mutters, but he gives in. He tells Baekhyun what he promised to tell him back then, the morning after, and all its gruesome details, but never did, because Baekhyun forgot all about it and Kyungsoo was too tired and overwhelmed with everything that was happening to him that telling one more person about it just felt like a headache he didn’t need. He tells Baekhyun about the party, the alcohol, the phone call with Jongdae, the confession, and everything that followed. He tells Baekhyun about Chanyeol waking him up, taking him to The Eve, making it up to him, asking if they could be friends instead. He tells Baekhyun why he was shocked to have seen Chanyeol in their apartment, and even more at the fact that he was friends with all of Kyungsoo’s. He doesn’t mention that he once liked Chanyeol, but he doesn’t think he needs to. Baekhyun nods along and has that familiar glint of clarity in his eyes that says he always had some kind of hunch.

Kyungsoo half-expects Baekhyun to bring it up again, after he’s finished saying everything he remembers was important enough to say, but the older doesn’t.

Instead, he says, “Park Chanyeol isn’t straight.”

“He is.”

“No, he’s not.”

“That’s what I thought too.” Kyungsoo says. “But he is. Painfully.”

“Seriously?” Baekhyun looks weirded out by the fact. “But he acts so . . . _not_ straight.”

“So do you.” Kyungsoo points out.

“Okay. Fair point.” Baekhyun agrees. “Behaviours don’t define anything. _You_ don’t even _seem_ gay. Chanyeol looks like he’s held more hands with men than you have.”

“Thank you.”

“This is tragic. I pity all the men whose hearts he’s stolen.” Baekhyun declares, before swiping a quick glance at Kyungsoo. The latter just rolls his eyes. “Do you want me to like, fight him?”

Kyungsoo’s eye twitches when he tries to imagine Baekhyun genuinely fighting someone. All he can really think of is the creepy meme-y face his roommate sometimes sends him when Kyungsoo says something particularly insulting, and then he pictures Baekhyun and Chanyeol arguing online just sending each other that face over and over again. Sometimes he looks at those two and think they’re the same brand of childish and stupid, except he likes Chanyeol’s a lot more. The thought’s already giving him a headache. “Why would I want that?”

Baekhyun leans back. “Because he’s breaking your heart! Like, really lowkey.”

“He isn’t.”

“He _is_. And it’s especially bad because of what happened to you–”

“Look.” Kyungsoo cuts him off. He doesn’t need Baekhyun to continue. Doesn’t want him to. “What happened to me has nothing to do with . . . this. Chanyeol doesn’t like me because he’s straight. You can’t change that about him, and you can’t kick his ass for it. It’s not his fault that he isn’t attracted to men.” Baekhyun still looks unconvinced. “Would you be saying the same thing if it was the other way around?”

Baekhyun crosses his arms. “You know that’s not the same. At all.”

“I know.” Kyungsoo replies, a small, bitter smile on his face.

They’re quiet, for a bit. Then, Baekhyun asks. “How are your parents?”

Kyungsoo doesn’t expect the question at all. “What?”

“Have you spoken to them?”

Kyungsoo stares at him, wondering if his friend is serious. Baekhyun stares back, almost unnervingly, and Kyungsoo finally opts to look away. “What do you think?” he asks back. They’ve only called once; he’s never initiated anything so far, and doesn’t plan to. It’s not like he doesn’t have an excuse, if asked; his parents are always busy anyway. “What is there to say?”

Baekhyun doesn’t push it. “Okay.” Another beat of silence. “Do you still like him?”

“What’s with the questions?”

“What’s with not answering any of them?”

Kyungsoo lets out a huff. “It doesn’t matter.” He says, and it feels like a distorted echo he’s heard himself say before. The truth rings loudly in his ears, but his heart isn’t into it like it should be.

⇝

School feels long when there’s nothing to look forward to, but when he looks back, there’s always a small lapse in his memory, makes him wonder if what happened _really_ happened, if he really went through what he _did_ go through, because he doesn’t have a clear recollection of it like he should have. It might be attributed to his lack of an exciting life, but at least he remembers what he believes matters.

Those moments, it seems, come more often than he thinks it should.

It takes around ten minutes before Baekhyun abruptly snaps and says, from the couch, the most hostile, “Are you okay?”

Kyungsoo’s momentarily confused at Baekhyun’s question until he realizes that he’s been tapping on his foot restlessly for fuck knows how long, which was the reason for his roommate’s irritation.

“Yeah,” Kyungsoo says, when he remembers that he has to respond. “I’m good.”

“Somehow, I doubt that.” Baekhyun dryly comments. “Midterms are over. Why are you still acting like there’s still shit to worry about?”

Kyungsoo bites his lip, recalling the meeting he had with his professor only a few hours ago about his midterm grade. He passed, so it wasn’t really bad, but barely, and she reminded him of how he couldn’t maintain this kind of level of surviving in the class because he still needed to catch up on other things. It only got worse when she had asked Kyungsoo if he even _wanted_ to be taking up this major, because his lack of interest in the course was obvious enough, despite the dedication he exerts into passing it. He left her office half-tense because he wasn’t doing as well as he thought he was and couldn’t immediately go back to his normal, usual pace of studying, and half-exhausted because it seemed like he couldn’t just catch a break and relax. Junior year is a brutal one, or maybe it’s just that way because he’s apparently more behind than he’d like to admit it.

He doesn’t tell his roommate any of this though, and his prolonged silence seems to have told Baekhyun enough of what he needed to know. The older sighs. “Why don’t you try chilling and going out for a walk or something? Go to the market.”

“The market?” the younger scrunches his nose up. “The fuck am I gonna do there?”

Baekhyun shrugs. “I don’t know. Groceries?”

“Didn’t you just buy three days ago?”

“Whatever.” He huffs. “Buy dinner, maybe. Or don’t buy anything at all. Just go out and get some fresh air. Your restlessness is rubbing off on me, and I need to finish this design.”

“Fine.” Kyungsoo relents, hopping off the counter stool and heading to his bedroom. He grabs a few things, whatever important that comes into his mind at the moment – wallet, phone, jacket, keys. He tries not to rush when he passes by the living room, reaching the front door, but it’s still obvious, his footsteps loudly padding against the wooden floor.

There’s barely a breeze when he’s finally outside, but he takes a deep breath anyway like there’s something refreshing to bask in. It’s mid-afternoon, the sun having made itself home to the sky for the time being, no sign of setting down anytime soon. He descends down the apartment building’s stairwell and begins his aimless journey, eyes darting around his surroundings despite how familiar they already are to him just so he can try to fill his mind with something less concerning and stressful.

He doesn’t go to the market, despite Baekhyun’s suggestion. Instead, he finds himself in Koko Bop, their oddly successful campus café. He doesn’t see a long line inside from the window panes, so he enters, disregarding the fact that almost all the seats are taken. He probably won’t stay long; just buy a drink and then go on his way to . . . wherever.

He doesn’t really pay attention to what he orders, just says he’ll have their today’s special before pausing for a second and saying he’d have two of the beverage instead of one. A cold drink will definitely cool Baekhyun’s rising temper off, even if it might make him more hyper and louder than Kyungsoo would like him to be in the process. Win some, lose some.

Kyungsoo waits patiently by the counter area for his order, because sitting down someplace isn’t an option when the place is strangely packed. He considers taking his phone out to ease his boredom when a booming voice suddenly says from his side, “Kyungsoo!”

The voice is easily recognizable, and Kyungsoo turns to see Chanyeol, waving at him with an awfully bright look on his face, like he’s never been happier in his entire life until now. For a split, delusional second, Kyungsoo thinks it’s because he’s seen him, but then his gaze drifts to Irene, who is casually standing beside Chanyeol, and realizes differently.

“Oh,” Kyungsoo says, and his voice can’t help but quiet down, the disappointment peeking out from the edges. “Hey.”

It seems subtle enough for Chanyeol to not notice it, thankfully enough. “I haven’t seen you in a while.”

“We saw each other two weeks ago.”

“Still pretty long to me.” Chanyeol argues. “How were midterms?”

“They were . . . okay.” Kyungsoo answers awkwardly. “You?”

“Terrible. Especially because I couldn’t see any of my friends the entire time. Especially you.” It’s then does he look to Irene, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. She seems amused at this. This is the first time Kyungsoo’s actually meeting Irene, and he hates how she’s even prettier up close. Chanyeol turns back to him. “What did you order?”

“I don’t know. Today’s special. Definitely coffee though.”

“Mm,” Chanyeol nods. “It’s a good one. It has peppermint, if I remember correctly. And it’s super rich. Irene and I had to split it a while ago because it was too much just for one person.”

“Oh,” Kyungsoo says again. A small pit of jealousy flares up within him, but he does his best to keep a straight face, to not let the feeling show. “How are you two? Are you–” He gestures wildly at them, not really knowing how to say it.

“Yup.” The other says. His eyes are sparkling; it’s such a beautiful thing to look at. “We’ve been official for about, what, three weeks?”

Irene shakes her head, looking at Chanyeol in disbelief.  “I can’t believe you kept track of that.”

“Of course I kept track of it. Why wouldn’t I?” he says.

Irene grins, a wholehearted and touched expression, before reaching up to kiss him on the cheek. Then she seems to remember that Kyungsoo’s in front of them, and turns red. “Sorry.”

There’s no way Kyungsoo can resent her when she reacts so sincerely and kindly, and it’s mildly frustrating. Chanyeol’s smile grows wider, if that’s even possible, and the impossibility of disliking Irene just heightens, because happiness is a truly beautiful look on him, and it only resonates because of her.

“It’s okay.” Kyungsoo says, keeping his voice cool and casual. “I’m happy for you two.”

Irene laughs. “God, you sound like a grimacing relative. You don’t have to say that.” she notes, somewhat seeing through his front. “You don’t have to try so hard. I know how gross PDA is. I’m sorry.”

Kyungsoo knows he should say something in reply to that, though he doesn’t know _what_ , but then the barista calls his name and he temporarily leaves to go fetch his drinks. When he looks back, Irene and Chanyeol are still there, almost as if they’re waiting for him.

Chanyeol eyes the two cups in his hands. “Who’s the other for?”

“Baekhyun.” Kyungsoo says. “So he can kiss my ass in gratitude later.”

Chanyeol snickers and Irene looks amused at his comment. “I take it that you’re heading back to the apartment then?”

“Maybe. I don’t know.” says Kyungsoo. “Why?”

The older shrugs. “Just wondering if you’d like to hang out with us, if you’re bored. Nothing much, just a little tour around the campus. It’s why I brought her here first. An extra guide wouldn’t be too bad.”

Kyungsoo’s eyes are blown wide, not expecting the other. Apparently, neither did Irene, though her shock is less apparent and borders more on subtle discomfort at Chanyeol’s suggestion. It’s clear that she wanted to spend time with just Chanyeol, but doesn’t say anything in protest to her boyfriend’s offer. Kyungsoo wants to be smug, but he’s (1) not a jerk, and (2) still confused as to why Chanyeol said that in the first place. Isn’t it obvious Kyungsoo’s just going to third-wheel their technical date?  

Chanyeol doesn’t seem to realize this though, instead waiting for Kyungsoo’s answer. He catches Irene’s fingers brush against her own knuckles. It looks like something done out of anxiousness. There’s a sick part of his mind that tells him to say _yes_ , just to see how everything would unfold.

But then his professor’s voice enters the fray of his mind, the haunting question of, _Are you sure you really want to be doing this?_ And Kyungsoo feels slightly nauseous. _Are you sure you really want to be doing this?_ Like the consequences and drawbacks are all laid out in front of him and the only thing he has to do is just make a choice, nothing else. People make some things sound so easy. Kyungsoo wishes his life was like that.

“I’m good.” Kyungsoo answers, looking at Chanyeol. The latter pouts, and his dejection still remains a strange sight to witness. “Have fun with your date though.”

“Okay.” Chanyeol replies, already recovering and tugging at Irene’s hand. “See you then, ‘Soo.”

“Yeah. See you.” Kyungsoo says, before turning his heel and exiting the café before Chanyeol says something else, or before he makes Irene feel even more uncomfortable just by being there and stealing Chanyeol’s attention. “Weirdo.” he adds, like an afterthought, still wondering about what Chanyeol’s intention could’ve been behind his out-of-place offer.

⇝

Over the weekend, a week or two later, Kyungsoo and Chanyeol venture into the streets at the heart of the city, something that’s gradually becoming a more or less frequent activity to do. Kyungsoo doesn’t understand how it seems like they never run out of things to discover despite going to the same place every time, but maybe it attributes to the fact that Chanyeol doesn’t easily get sick of things, and the fact that Kyungsoo pays less attention to his surroundings and more to the person he’s with.

They’re in the process of searching for more stalls that sell socks at cheap prices or good deals (more like _Chanyeol_ is, because he always claims how they keep on getting stolen and his suspicions rest on his sophomore friend, Sehun, who apparently has zero honesty and respect in him and raids the elder’s closet and drawers just because Chanyeol never follows through with his threats) when Kyungsoo’s phone starts to loudly blare Wonder Girls’ _Nobody_. Kyungsoo’s cheeks turn red as he fishes out his phone, and growls at the device when he swipes to answer it, Chanyeol too busy now obnoxiously singing the song even though it’s no longer playing, uncaring to the attention it draws from the strangers walking past them.

“Since when did you change my ringtone?” Kyungsoo demands.

Baekhyun’s mischievous laugh crackles through the receiver. _“The real question is, when was the last time you_ checked _?”_

Kyungsoo makes a strangled, frustrated sound. “Why are you calling me? It better be an emergency. I only told you to call me during emergencies, and if not–”

 _“Then just text. I know the gist.”_ Baekhyun says dismissively. _“Not like you reply to my texts anyway. You just leave them on_ seen _.”_

“Your contact name on my phone is _do not answer_ for a reason.”

 _“Rude!”_ Baekhyun exclaims. _“Anyways, I_ did _call for a reason. Something came up, and I need you to meet me at The Eve. You’re somewhere near the area, right?”_

“Yeah,” Kyungsoo says slowly, eyes narrowing even though Baekhyun can’t see him. He doesn’t know if it’s coincidence that Baekhyun just knows the small place only Kyungsoo and Chanyeol go to, and how he was able to guess where Kyungsoo currently was. He probably told Baekhyun about it offhandedly beforehand. “Why there?”

 _“Uh,”_ says Baekhyun nervously. _“I may or may not have left my wallet behind back at the apartment, and this hefty bill isn’t paying for itself. Good food doesn’t come cheap, as it turns out, even if it’s in a low quality area like this.”_

 _Fucking Christ_. Kyungsoo sighs, closes his eyes, and uses his free hand to rub his forehead in exasperation, trying to soothe the stress lines accumulating. “I swear you make me age by two years every time you do something stupid.”

_“I’ll pay you back. I promise! It’s not that big anyway.”_

“So you say.” He replies dryly. “You owe me more than cash, just saying. I’m talking favors, no questions asked.”

_“Deal.”_

“Okay.” Kyungsoo agrees. “I’ll be there. Please try not to spend anything more.”

 _“I’ll try!”_ And the call ends. Kyungsoo pulls the phone away from his ear and frowns at it.

“Kyungsoo?”

Kyungsoo turns to Chanyeol, apologetic. “Sorry. Baekhyun did something; I need to clean up after his mess. He’s in our special place.”

It hits Kyungsoo the moment the words leave his lips that he just called The Eve his and Chanyeol’s special place. Chanyeol looks at him, in the same state as shock, before his face splits into a delighted grin. It doesn’t make Kyungsoo any less embarrassed, but at least he gets to see the delighted expression on the other’s face. It’s always worth it, in Kyungsoo’s opinion.

Chanyeol doesn’t point it out, instead choosing to focus on something else.  “You need to go now?”

“Yeah. Sorry.” Kyungsoo says again. “I know you wanted to do something else. But Baekhyun–”

“That’s fine.” Chanyeol interrupts. “Let me go with you though.”

“Why?”

“Why not?” Chanyeol grabs his arm. Kyungsoo makes a face, but doesn’t pull away. “I don’t like walking alone if I don’t have to. Besides, I don’t have anything else to do if you’re going to ditch me. Don’t ditch me. You know that I can actually die from loneliness and boredom, so don’t be a murderer. It’s not worth it.”

Kyungsoo sighs. “Stop being dramatic.” He says. “But fine.”

It’s only two blocks away, lucky for Baekhyun’s sorry ass. When they’re on the street The Eve is supposed to be at, Kyungsoo’s already fishing out his wallet and calculating how much money Baekhyun might have possibly spent, trying to see if he’d still have enough left for dinner because he’s hungry and can’t wait until they back to the apartment for his roommate to pay him back. Chanyeol protectively circles around Kyungsoo, as if getting ready to defend him from any approaching robbers. It really only gets them a stare from an unfortunate passerby, but Kyungsoo doesn’t stop Chanyeol’s antics. It’s amusing to see, and maybe a bit endearing.

Kyungsoo lifts the hanging flap of The Eve to look inside and slip in. He’s not surprised to see Baekhyun, seated at the other side, and waving at them like an idiot, but it’s a shock to see Jongdae _and_ Jongin there as well, seated beside his roommate, and the sudden yell of, _“Surprise!”_ that Chanyeol says right by his hear, causing him to jolt and accidentally elbow him harshly.  

“ _Kyungsoo_ ,” Chanyeol groans, crouched down and cradling his stomach. “What was that for? I was just doing my job!”

“For nearly making me deaf, asshole.” Kyungsoo says, but he bends down and helps Chanyeol get up, doesn’t ask about what Chanyeol’s words mean just yet. He makes his way to his other three friends cautiously, and Chanyeol trails behind. Kyungsoo takes a seat across Baekhyun, who looks like an overexcited puppy.

Kyungsoo stares at the food on the table, some already cooked and others still on top of the stove, heating up. Everything’s still hot and fresh, like they just started. “What is this?” he asks.

“A celebration, you dumb fuck.” Baekhyun tells him, with a just as dumb grin on his face.

Kyungsoo’s eyes narrow. “Is this a bluff? Are you just telling me that in order to get me to pay for Jongdae and Jongin’s meal too?”

“No, I’m not stupid enough to forget my wallet. At least not anymore. Taeyeon would kick my ass if I ever did that.”

“Taeyeon doesn’t deserve someone like you.” Kyungsoo mutters.

Baekhyun pretends he doesn’t hear him and continues. “It was just an excuse. How else was I gonna get you to come here? You never listen to me unless it makes sense to you.” he says. “And it wasn’t like I could tell you over the phone. Surprises are surprises for a reason.”

Kyungsoo blinks. “Okay. . .”

Jongdae picks up from where Baekhyun left off. “. . . And that’s why you’re here? That’s why we’re all here? To surprise you? To celebrate you? This is a _surprise celebration_?”

“A celebration.” Kyungsoo repeats. “A surprise celebration. That’s why you two are here. To surprise me. To celebrate me.” It sounds wrong on his tongue. Unreal. A lie.

“Well, yeah. Celebrations always call for company, you know. Pity parties are cancelled and out of fashion. You need to stop having them.”

“You need to shut the fuck up and let me finish.” Kyungsoo shoots back. “For what? I didn’t do anything. It’s not even my birthday.”

Baekhyun huffs. “Man, I didn’t believe it when people said they needed their glasses to think better, but clearly, I didn’t know better until now.”

“Today’s your coming out day.” says Jongin, speaking for the first time. “Don’t you remember?”

No. It’s not that Kyungsoo didn’t remember; it’s more of Kyungsoo hadn’t thought much about it. He’s not a festive person to begin with, and never made a big deal out of special days unless they were the birthdays of his friends or the birthdays of performers he liked and looked up to. Things for himself, he didn’t want to acknowledge. Even more so for the day he decided to come out to his friends, when he finally couldn’t take the hiding any longer. He woke up, saw the date, remembered what it meant to him a year ago, and then felt a swelling in his chest that was somewhere in between relief and sadness. Relief for finally being able to release what he had been keeping inside of him for so long, confess a secret that grew into a burden he couldn’t take any longer, and sadness for what had followed because of his desire to tell the truth. It doesn’t haunt him much, not like it did before; now, he doesn’t dwell on it long enough, because it’s not like he can change anything about it anyway.   

Kyungsoo just shrugs. “I just came out. That’s all. It’s not a big deal. Nothing worth celebrating over.”

“Coming out is a big deal.” Chanyeol suddenly says. “You should never feel like it’s nothing.”

His leans sideways subtly, arm pressing against Kyungsoo’s. It’s not that much of a noticeable gesture, but Kyungsoo knows because he’s always been somewhat attentive. He doesn’t know what this is supposed to mean, but he can’t deny how it bleeds out a bit of the tension in him, the discomfort.

“It’s plenty to celebrate over.” Jongdae says, catching Kyungsoo’s attention. “So hush. Stop bringing yourself down.”

Kyungsoo scoffs. “You–”

“We wanted to.” Baekhyun interrupts. “And what kind of friends would we be if we didn’t take up the opportunity to turn a special occasion into a celebration?” he says, before three bottles of soju are promptly placed in front of them, as if on cue. “We would’ve invited more people, honestly, but, you know, you only have like, four friends, technically, and you can’t handle any more people than this at the same time.”

They know him well. He doesn’t know why it makes him feel good, why it makes him smile in a shy manner. “Thanks.”

Dinner is a cheerful affair, especially because Baekhyun loudly promises that he’s going to pay for the bill, even if they all know that they’re going to end up splitting it between the five of them. The light banter and good food quells the hunger in his stomach, makes him sated and comfortable. Baekhyun makes sure that their cups are never empty, and Chanyeol continuously feeds everyone, picking up the tongs and placing every meat that finishes cooking in different plates without much thought. Whenever Jongdae or Jongin would bat the food away because it’s too much, Chanyeol would place it with Kyungsoo, who just makes a face at the added amount before continuing to eat. It’s funny to Chanyeol, for some reason, especially when he refuses to accept any more to his own tiny platter but would open his mouth obediently when Kyungsoo offered him a piece from his instead. Chanyeol’s a lot cuddlier with Kyungsoo now, but it’s probably because they’re beside each other, there’s alcohol, and Kyungsoo’s feeding him. Chanyeol’s lips are so painfully close Kyungsoo could get away with kissing them quickly enough for the other not to notice. But he doesn’t, because that’s not actually possible. He doesn’t fail to notice the knowing looks sent his way the entire night, but he doesn’t acknowledge them, isn’t even sure from where and who they’re coming from.

He feels someplace in between content and craving. He likes what’s happening, likes that he’s lucky enough to be granted this – these friends, these experiences – but when he looks at Chanyeol, he realizes there will always be a part of him that wants more.

He doesn’t know what time they finish, but since it’s a weekend, it doesn’t matter much. Unsurprisingly, they do end up splitting the bill to not cause a big dent to anyone’s wallets, and Chanyeol even adds a larger tip than usual in thanks for the few workers there putting up with their noise without complaint.

They leave and head back all together (except for Jongin, who went ahead and left earlier than them because he had to meet Krystal, though he gave Kyungsoo a big hug before going), the places they reside in all fortunately around the same area. Baekhyun and Chanyeol walk ahead, even if they’re the two who are more affected by the alcohol, judging by the slight sway in their movements and how they start to sing Singing in the Rain out of nowhere. Kyungsoo and Jongdae follow a few steps behind, keeping cautious watch of them. It’s nothing new, to hear Baekhyun passionately belt out a song, but Kyungsoo’s never heard Chanyeol do it before, has never seen him let loose this way, when it’s calm and there’s no intense blinking lights above them, when there’s no dancing and no cramped space and instead, they’re outside, without restraint, when it’s just the four of them in their own world and nothing else matters. It makes Kyungsoo smile involuntarily, feeling happier and more grateful that he’d ever been his whole life.    

“I thought you were trying to get rid of it.”

Kyungsoo turns to Jongdae. The latter isn’t looking at him, eyes focused on Chanyeol and Baekhyun instead, gaze measured, hard to read.   

“Your feelings.” Jongdae continues. “But it’s just worsening.”

“I’m working on it.” says Kyungsoo.

“It won’t work, if you stay with him.” Jongdae says.

“I know.”

“You always say that.” Jongdae remarks. “And yet you’re still here.”

At that, Kyungsoo doesn’t reply..

“Is it because you’re soulmates?”

It’s the confusion in his tone that makes Kyungsoo feel less tense. He expected the Jongdae’s accusations, expected to be called out for it, expected it all, because he knew Jongdae cared. Just like how Baekhyun does. But more than that, there’s also the part where Jongdae doesn’t understand. He doesn’t have a soulmate, unlike Baekhyun. Unlike Jongin. He doesn’t understand if there’s an underlying attachment to the idea, to the person. He doesn’t understand what it means to have one, and what it really means, in general.

Kyungsoo doesn’t either. He looks at Chanyeol and feels that tug in his heart, a pang of longing, but he doesn’t know if that’s because their soulmates or because Kyungsoo just misses him. Just wants him. Maybe it’s both. He doesn’t know the difference. He once thought that it was only a measly crush that would disappear, but time passed, Chanyeol said he was straight, and it should’ve been a turn off, because why love something unattainable? – and his feelings remained. He’s still here. Still in love. Still in that place where Chanyeol treats him like he means something, but will never mean _everything_. Good, but not enough. Close, but still miles away. Together, but not really. And in the end, despite everything, they’re friends. Soulmates.

It’s November, so the chilly weather is expected. No wind passes, but he doesn’t need it to feel his fingertips go cold. August only felt like yesterday.

“I have my reasons.” Kyungsoo chooses to answer, and they’re more than the fact that they’re meant to be.

⇝

He has two reasons, to be exact:

The first reason is because there were times when his unrequited love didn’t seem so unrequited.

⇝

Exhibit A:

Kyungsoo has a part-time job at a bookstore called Beyond, owned by a young, good-looking man named Kim Minseok. Despite how it’s a relatively stable and profitable place, Beyond doesn’t need a lot of employees. Kyungsoo takes the weekly Saturday slot and either reads books by the counter or does homework if he isn’t busy greeting the occasional customers that come in and tending to their questions. The bookstore fortunately nearby all the places Chanyeol and Kyungsoo frequent, so it’s partly why he goes out with the other to roam around the main streets as often as they do.

He thinks tonight is just one of those nights where they’ll look around and pass by stalls as if they hadn’t been there countless times before, eat dinner (or not, because they can’t afford that every week), and then head back to their respective homes or each other’s. (It’s also kind of their thing, and it’s surprising, how much time Chanyeol always allots for Kyungsoo, even if the latter knows he could be spending it with other people, like Irene, or all his other friends, instead. But Kyungsoo doesn’t question it.) Chanyeol’s waiting outside, as promised, after Kyungsoo bids farewell to Minseok and heads out. The sight of a guitar slung over the elder’s back is nothing new, because there are times when he has Soundwave meetings or rehearsals held over weekends, or generally just likes to lug around the instrument because it makes him feel calmer. Kyungsoo doesn’t think too much about it.

But then Chanyeol tells him, “Let’s go someplace new.” And Kyungsoo realizes that tonight is different.

Chanyeol has somewhat of a thing for places in suburban areas, something Kyungsoo hadn’t really figured until after The Eve and how Chanyeol liked to talk about the other places he discovered that were hidden amidst all the other obvious things around them. He takes him to a hole-in-the-wall bar, right beside a closed barber shop and connected to a large apartment complex, with a set of cement steps leading to the door a few feet below. Before they enter, Kyungsoo catches the name from the small neon sign beside the set of stairs, saying _Curtain_.

Inside is designed with shabby and dark interior, posters and memorabilia of iconic old school Western music artists plastered around the walls. Kyungsoo only recognizes some because he’s heard Chanyeol talk about them before, remembers the enthusiasm evident in his tone and even more evident in his eyes when he educated Kyungsoo about something he admittedly wasn’t that interested in at first, but grew to appreciate after Chanyeol let him listen to them. Most of the seats are full, but Chanyeol tells him that it’s not really a common occurrence, that crowds only come during the weekends at the night, when the performances finally start.

“I’m kind of a regular performer here, but I only come when Junmyeon calls and asks me to do a gig. It happens usually around twice a month, so I have enough time to prepare.”

Performer. So that’s what the guitar was really for. Kyungsoo tries not to let it show that he’s surprised that this is where their night is headed. “Junmyeon?”

“Owner. He pays well. It’s how I get cash. But I think it’s biased because he really likes me.”

“Ah, yes. Because you’re so likable.” Kyungsoo says.

They make themselves home to a seat near to the wall and the stage. The audience’s focus is directed on the current performer onstage, singing a French song Kyungsoo can’t understand but appreciates. She’s good, buts Kyungsoo thinks Chanyeol can easily do better. “When are you coming up?”

“Right after her.” Chanyeol answers. He jiggles his leg, and the table shakes. “Fuck, I’m suddenly nervous.”

Kyungsoo laughs quietly, trying not to draw attention to themselves. “You’ve already done this plenty of times.”

“I know, but it still gets to me. My hands are getting clammy,” He raises his hands and pouts. “You don’t think my guitar will slip off from my grip, do you?”

“No. You’re too careful around your guitar to make that kind of mistake. You love it too much; it’s unhealthy.”

“It’s been with me through everything, okay? First recital, first cover song, first original song, first road trip, first time having sex–”

Chanyeol doesn’t get to finish and Kyungsoo doesn’t get to ask what he means by the last bit, because the girl’s voice is gone from the microphone and replaced with someone else’s – a young man, with a silk, smooth tone and handsome features – who compliments the previous performer before giving a brief introduction of the next. He gives the audience Chanyeol’s name, and Kyungsoo doesn’t fail to notice how there are some within the crowd who perk up at the mention.

“Okay, that’s me.” Chanyeol stands up. “Wish me luck?”

“Don’t let me down.” He says instead, and Chanyeol whines.

“Don’t pressure me!”

Kyungsoo just smiles. It seems to comfort Chanyeol enough, because he looks less tense than before. “You’ll do fine.”

Chanyeol nods, a new confidence instilled within him, which would be a bit laughable to Kyungsoo because it’s not like he needs him to give him that, if not for the fact that it’s also endearing to see. Chanyeol heads up to the stage and Kyungsoo’s gaze trails after him, anticipating and excited.

Seeing Chanyeol perform is nothing new, and Kyungsoo, though he won’t tell anyone of it, even has videos of the other saved on his phone, things he either subtly recorded during Soundwave events,when Chanyeol just randomly wanted to do it when they’d hang out together, or got from other students who uploaded it online. He watches them sometimes, and watched them a lot, even, during his gap semester. It was one of the few things that kept him afloat, the semblance of the life he used to live and desperately missed. Still, seeing him up onstage in this place Kyungsoo isn’t familiar with, makes him seem different. Appear different. Kyungsoo knows the songs, has admittedly seen Chanyeol sing them back in his dorm, but practicing back at home and performing them in public are worlds apart from one another.

Here, Chanyeol is in his element. He doesn’t even look like he’s trying, and every note and movement doesn’t seem practiced, just natural. When he practices, there’s still the effort to get things right, to play things right, and it shows – the concentration he puts into what he’s doing. Not now. The years of experience and skill are deeply ingrained in his skin and woven into his voice and melody, remaining painfully clear that this is what he does best. That music is what he loves best.  

Chanyeol looks at the crowd, soaking them in as much as they do the same to him. When his gaze settles on Kyungsoo, the latter loses his breath, but he stares back, refusing to look away. Chanyeol’s moving lips tilt a bit upward, briefly. His hair is a light purple shade, something he said he’s only keeping for a week, that seems softer under the light, and with the way he holds his guitar, the way he’s seated on the bar stool at the center of the small stage meant for him alone, makes him appear ethereal. Kyungsoo is tempted to video everything and capture the moment, but he feels like it would break the serene mood the four walls of Curtain has set. It means more to take in what he’s seeing and remember them with his own two eyes, rather than through a screen.    

So instead he watches, the way he always does. And he admires, like he does best.

 

“If I didn’t know you, I’d say you were a professional.” Kyungsoo says, after they leave Curtain. He wasn’t that hungry, but Chanyeol was, because performing always did turn him into that state. Kyungsoo proposed cooking for him instead of their usual eat-outs. It would be a treat from him, and they’d do it at Kyungsoo’s apartment. Baekhyun wouldn’t be home, because he spent most of his Saturday nights with Taeyeon. His soulmate. Just like what Kyungsoo was doing. “How long have you been doing this?”

“Since freshman, I think.”

“Shit. How come I’ve never heard of this until now?”

“No one knows about it.” Chanyeol admits, scratching the back of his neck, looking suddenly sheepish. “It’s kind of like my special place, something I wanted to keep to myself because no one there knows who I am. There’s less pressure, but more expectation, you know, so I have to start from scratch, and I didn’t want anyone to know about it because it was my thing.  And it wouldn’t really feel like _mine_ anymore if other people knew of it.”

Kyungsoo understands that. Yet, “But you took me here.”

“I did.”

Kyungsoo blinks. “So I’m the first.”

Chanyeol shifts. “Yeah.”

“And only.”

“Yeah.”

And that’s it.

Chanyeol doesn’t say anything else. Kyungsoo doesn’t prod any further because he doesn’t know what he wants the other to say. The implication behind it is enough, anyway. Kyungsoo’s heart loudly hammers against his chest, like always, begging to be noticed, begging to get it through Kyungsoo’s stupid fucking head that he likes Chanyeol (and he knows, he _knows_ ; he’s long past denying it already) and a voice in the back of his head whispers, _what if, what if, what if_.  

⇝

Exhibit B:

Sunday. Chanyeol’s dorm. He’s one of the few students who have rooms to themselves, something that happened because he got paired up with the world’s worst roommate ever (Baekhyun isn’t actually that bad, surprisingly). Chanyeol’s ex-roommate had more than a few bad habits up his sleeve, like having zero respect for the taller, leaving his things around everywhere, singing off-key to popular songs on purpose, and blasting music on full volume even though the music major would be studying, among other things. It didn’t help that the roommate was there more than Chanyeol was, so the latter ended up feeling forced to stay away from his own dorm just to have peace and quiet. Chanyeol finally requested to move out because at the rate they were going, he might’ve ended up being sick of the one thing he loved the most.

Still, there was one thing Chanyeol had somehow ended up catching from his previous roommate, and that had been the blasting music part. Unlike his roommate though, Chanyeol had a nice set of Bluetooth speakers that played the songs  with a kind quality that his phone could never match . And he could get away with it, because he had his own room and the walls were generally made to be more soundproof than normal ones.

It’s late evening; Kyungsoo doesn’t know what time because his phone somewhere in the room and he doesn’t have the energy nor the will to look for it. They’re lying on Chanyeol’s bed, which had just been tidied up by Kyungsoo only a few minutes ago because the mess unsettled him. To not waste his efforts, they don’t lie on the pillows or the blanket, tucked by the headboard, but instead rest their heads right below it, Kyungsoo’s legs bent even though he still fits in and Chanyeol’s sticking out and left to dangle out. The speakers play from the desk beside the mattress, and the two are gazing at the ceiling as they listen.

“What song is this?” Kyungsoo asks. The windows only show a night sky, but he doesn’t know how long it’s been like that, doesn’t know how long he’s been here, how long he’s been doing this, listening to Chanyeol’s music and giving input the other silently asks for, because it always matters to him what others think, even if he tries hiding it. Kyungsoo’s glad he likes what he hears, likes that Chanyeol somehow nails all his tastes for music without even knowing. Rock isn’t his favorite genre, but he remembers how it was those kinds of artists and their songs that kept him afloat when he was in the province, when there was only the kind of quiet he resented, because it reminded him that he was alone.  

The song this time though – it’s a slow one. It doesn’t sound like anything he’s heard of, and there aren’t any words that flow out to accompany the tune. It’s a ballad, something he hasn’t heard so far among everything they’ve been listening to.

“Opus 31, Chopin.” Chanyeol answers.

“Funny.” He says. He’d believe Chanyeol if he said any other classical piece he didn’t know of. But Opus 31 has more of a daunting, commanding sound compared to the piano playing right now, which is much gentler and focused more on feeling whole. “This isn’t Aerosmith anymore, isn’t it?”

“Nope.” Chanyeol says. “It’s an original of mine, actually.”

Kyungsoo hums. It’s nice. He can’t put it into the words that can fully express it. And yet, “It feels like something’s missing.”

“Like lyrics, you mean?” Chanyeol inquires. Kyungsoo nods, and Chanyeol sits up. “There are, but I haven’t recorded it yet.”

Kyungsoo watches as Chanyeol leaves the bed and heads to the electric organ propped against the wall, something he technically isn’t allowed to have but somehow still managed to get. The music from the speakers fade as if on cue when Chanyeol pauses the music and begins playing the same song they were just listening to, filling the room with a quiet melody that feels solemn and heartfelt.  

And then, Chanyeol starts singing. It’s hushed, just like the piano, but in the enclosed space they reside in, Kyungsoo can hear it clearly. Kyungsoo watches Chanyeol’s back, watches as his fingers dance around the keyboard, watches his mouth move and his eyes flit back from closed to open, remembering where to place his hands and falling into the passion that fits itself in between the spaces.

When he finishes, Kyungsoo says, without much thought, “Is this about Seulgi?”

Chanyeol doesn’t respond immediately. Kyungsoo wonders if he’s overstepped a boundary, but then older replies, “Yeah.”

Kyungsoo doesn’t look at him. It’s been a while, and Irene is with Chanyeol now, and they’re good for each other, in the way that Irene has the prettiest smile when Chanyeol says something charming, in how receptive she is with his innocent touches, in how Chanyeol’s large hands fit her petite ones in the most perfect way, but,“Do you miss her?”

“Definitely.” Chanyeol confesses. Kyungsoo expects him to start mentioning Irene here, something about how at least she’s there and helps him forget, helps him move on, but he doesn’t say that. “But I think I miss the idea of her more. Because she’s familiar. Because she was part of my life in a time that I liked looking back to the most. I think I crave that more. What I used to have, more than who I had, you know?”

Familiar words, familiar feeling. Sometimes it unnerves him how similar he and Chanyeol can get, how sometimes Chanyeol says something and it hits too close to home that Kyungsoo almost suspects he knows more than he should. But he doesn’t hate it. He likes it, how there’s someone else who understands, even if he doesn’t really _know_.  

Kyungsoo changes the topic, realizing how somber the mood has gotten. “You can perform this, you know. It’s beautiful.”

“I don’t like how I sing it that much.” Chanyeol admits. “That’s why I haven’t recorded it with my voice.”

“It would work though. Well.”

“Maybe.” And Kyungsoo doesn’t ride on his thought any longer, able to sense that Chanyeol doesn’t really want to hear Kyungsoo’s praise that it would sound good with his raspy baritone, something so uniquely different, but in a good way, because it would be Chanyeol’s. It would be his song. Maybe Chanyeol doesn’t want praise and doesn’t want words; he just wants someone to listen, someone who knows. Kyungsoo understands that. He’s like that too, at times.

“You have a title?”

“For Life.”

Kyungsoo hums in acknowledgement, and a bit of the song’s tune that resonated in his mind slips out between his closed lips. He stops when he realizes he’s been doing it, and Chanyeol looks at him, slightly surprised. Kyungsoo immediately feels shy, but he doesn’t regret it much. He forgot how good it felt, to use his voice like that, no matter how small and insignificant. “Do you have more?”

“Maybe.” Chanyeol says. “Not as slow though. But it’s still piano.”

“Can I hear them?”

Chanyeol hesitates. Kyungsoo wonders, just then, if anyone’s ever heard any of this before, the things he’s created from scratch, the things he’s placed his heart and soul into, because this is what he wants to do for the rest of his life. He knows what he wants; he has his dream. It’s precious.

Kyungsoo’s about to tell Chanyeol that he doesn’t have to, but Chanyeol says, “Why don’t you sing instead?” And the words die from his lips.

“What?”

“C’mon,” Chanyeol says. “I want to hear you sing.”

Kyungsoo flushes. “Why?”

Chanyeol turns the organ off and returns to the bed. When he lies back down beside him, Kyungsoo looks to him. “‘Cause I already showed you something. Now it’s your turn.”

“You wanted to.”

“And now I want you to sing.” Chanyeol says. “Please?”

Kyungsoo looks away. “I’m not a good singer.”

“You don’t have to be.”

“Then why?”

“I want to sleep.” Chanyeol says. “But I wanna listen to something to fall asleep.”

“You can just listen to your music.”

“But my phone’s already so far away.” He whines. “I won’t listen to all of it, if you’re that so embarrassed. I’ll be asleep halfway, so don’t worry. And you can just hum it, if you want.”

Kyungsoo rolls his eyes. Chanyeol’s own glisten, smile mirthful. Seeing it only a few inches away from him makes Kyungsoo’s resolve melt. Not like he’s embarrassed about his voice. He just doesn’t do it.

“My neck hurts.” Kyungsoo says, and Chanyeol reaches to place the pillows underneath them. The softness of the cushion is probably what causes Chanyeol’s drowsiness to rise, making him yawn quietly. He turns back to Kyungsoo, curling into a sleeping position. His eyes are already closed, shoulders relaxed, guard down. Kyungsoo starts humming one of the songs he remembers listening to an hour ago or so. It eventually shifts to soft singing, something that unconsciously happens, but he doesn’t stop. Chanyeol is the only one who would hear, who would know. And Kyungsoo wants to do it. He always wants to, even if it doesn’t show.

He can tell that Chanyeol’s fast asleep by the time the first chorus comes to a close. He’s curled even more so, towards Kyungsoo, as if trying to look smaller than he is, and Kyungsoo absentmindedly brushes his fingertips against the other’s cheek. Chanyeol doesn’t react at all, and Kyungsoo feels bold enough to tuck a piece of the taller’s hair behind his ear, just to see his beautiful face. Kyungsoo can’t help but smile, because he’s Kyungsoo and fucking whipped, and follows the other into slumber.

The darkness is no more when Kyungsoo wakes up, sunlight slipping into the room and overpowering the artificial light above them, which seems to have dimmed from being used for too long. But that’s not what matters at the moment.

What matters is that he wakes up with his head pressed against Chanyeol’s chest, while the latter’s rests above his forehead, arms loosely draped on the smaller, legs tangled with Kyungsoo’s like they belong there, like two missing pieces of a complete puzzle. The first thing Kyungsoo’s muddled brain wonders is if this is what it means to be soulmates with someone.

Chanyeol sighs and Kyungsoo freezes, thinking that the elder’s woken up. But all Chanyeol does is move closer to him, sighing like he’s content or dreaming well, and nothing happens. Kyungsoo breathes in, inhales Chanyeol’s scent without meaning to, and realizes how warm and comfortable the other is by his side. Realizes how sickeningly _right_ it feels, and thinks: Chanyeol has a girlfriend. This is not what friends do.

Even if they’re soulmates.

(And yet, he can’t move away. Chanyeol doesn’t seem to want to, Kyungsoo doesn’t want to, so he decides to feign ignorance and fall back asleep to the horrifyingly hopeful feeling growing in his chest.)

⇝

Exhibit C:

**[chanyeol has sent a photo]**

**chanyeol**

look how cute i am

**kyungsoo**

you look how you always do

**chanyeol**

precisely!

just compliment me ok

**kyungsoo**

why

everyone compliments you enough already

**chanyeol**

nice

keep ‘em coming

**kyungsoo**

no

**chanyeol**

:<<

soo

**kyungsoo**

what

why are you on your phone anyway?

didn’t you say you had an important soundwave meeting right now?

**chanyeol**

where do you think i am?

i’m at

the meeting

did you not see the selfie

we’re in a fancy restaurant rn

it’s lit

**kyungsoo**

so why?

**chanyeol**

i always use my phone during breaks

but break ended

five minutes ago

we’re discussing the finances now

**kyungsoo**

so go listen????

**chanyeol**

but it’s boring :<<

and you know what boring things do to me

also

they’re going to email me the plan anyways

i don’t need to listen

**kyungsoo**

at least pretend

you’re the pres for a reason

**chanyeol**

:<<

hmph

fine

i just wanted

to talk to you

but you don’t want to

so okay

i’m okay

i’m not upset

**kyungsoo**

i know you aren’t

**chanyeol**

:<<<

meanie

anyways

did you know

that my favorite stationery shop closed down

:<<<

**kyungsoo**

was anyone even buying shit there

**chanyeol**

yes

me!

**kyungsoo**

no wonder it shut down

**chanyeol**

rude

it got replaced by this bakeshop instead

idk if you know it

but their bread smells good

and it tastes good too

they were giving our free samples earlier

and so i tried some

so yeah

maybe it’s not 10000% bad that the stationery shop closed down

bc this shit is good

but like

my main point is

do you want

**kyungsoo**

what shop is this?

**chanyeol**

it’s called mama

it’s familiar isn’t it

**kyungsoo**

...

that’s cuz i told you about it before you dipshit

**chanyeol**

:<<<

i’m sorry i’m STUPID

do you want

**kyungsoo**

…

they have garlic bread right

**chanyeol**

a lot of it

**kyungsoo**

…

can i

if it’s not a hassle

for you

yeah

please

**chanyeol**

(°□°)

i’ve never seen you this shy online before

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

interesting

i’m screenshotting this

**kyungsoo**

fuck off

**chanyeol**

do you want garlic bread or not

**kyungsoo**

yes

please

**chanyeol**

(｡◕‿‿◕｡)

thought so

i’ll stop by later and give it to you!!

also can you give me some almond milk

i’ve been kind of craving for it lately

and that’s your fault

icb you got me into that shit

i love it

 

“This is gay.” Baekhyun says. Kyungsoo’s head snaps up to see Baekhyun smirking at him, his previous attention on whatever he was watching on his laptop discarded. “I support it.”

“How do you–”

“You two are talking in our groupchat, ‘Soo.”

Kyungsoo looks down at his phone, finally notices the “# ** _chinguclub ( ͡°( ͡° ͜ʖ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°)_ ** _”_ on top. He doesn’t remember when they made it, only remembers that every time he tried leaving, one of them would just always add him back in. The groupchat where it was just him, Jongdae, and Baekhyun is long gone and buried under all the other messages he gets. Jongdae and Baekhyun’s small icons show they conveniently left the entire conversation he had with Chanyeol on _seen_ without a single reply.

“Fuck.” Kyungsoo says.

“Did you know he only uses his phone during breaks and never after?” Baekhyun says. “No matter what’s going on. He takes his job more seriously than you’d think.”

“Apparently not.”

“It must be because he really likes you.”

“Shut up.” But Kyungsoo doesn’t deny it. He doesn’t actually know anymore.

⇝

The second reason, more importantly, was because of Chanyeol’s timer, and the time it presented.

“It’s a good day today.” Jongin remarks.

“Yeah,” Kyungsoo quietly agrees.

It’s midday, so the sun is up. Birds are chirping in the distance. The weather is cool, even if it doesn’t look it. The trees that surround them are large and plentiful enough to block the bright sky, and they walk through the road with their shadows hovering over them.

“I’m sorry.” Kyungsoo says, as they pass by all the other gravestones, unknown to them but certainly not to others.

“I know.” Jongin replies, but it’s not insulting. “It’s not as bad as I thought.”

Maybe. They all saw it coming, after all. Kyungsoo hadn’t really known Krystal well. Hadn’t even _met_ her, and he wouldn’t have even known of her existence if not for the fact that Jongin occasionally brought her up during the few times they would hang out together. But he did know that Krystal’s days were coming to an end, something everyone she’s been close to apparently knew ever since she and Jongin met at the youthful age of seven. Not really enough time, especially when they were still so young, but they made the most out of it. Made sure she lived her life to the fullest. The death was expected, the farewell was warm, and the regrets were there, but they weren’t all-consuming. It didn’t mean it hurt any less, but everyone got to say their goodbyes. Krystal was able to smile, and hold Jongin’s hand at the end.  

And Kyungsoo thinks, isn’t that how it’s supposed to be?

“Really now,” Kyungsoo can’t help but say.

Jongin shrugs. “It’s been two weeks.”

“That’s not a lot of time.” says Kyungsoo. “I’m sorry I couldn’t come to the funeral.”

“It’s okay.” Jongin says. “Anyways, what do you need?”

“What makes you think I need anything?”

“You look troubled.” Jongin points out. “And it’s about something else. Not because of this. Maybe something similar though.”

Kyungsoo scrunches his nose up, weirded out that Jongin can read him so well.

“I don’t know if now is a good time to talk about it.” Kyungsoo admits. “I wasn’t thinking about that until I came here.”

Jongin looks at him. “I’m leaving for Japan in four days.”

“Oh.” Kyungsoo hadn’t expected that. “Why?”

“Got a job there. As a choreographer. I don’t really remember for what. The offer’s actually been there for months.” He explains. “I just never bothered with it until now. It’s a three-year deal, minimum.”

“So you’re dropping out.”

“Yup.” He says. “Pay’s good though, so it’s worth it. How far can this education of mine go anyway?”

Kyungsoo hums in response, because what else can he say? “Congrats.”

“Thanks, Kyungsoo.” Jongin replies. A beat of silence. “I don’t think I’m going to stay in contact with anyone when I get there. Just for a while.It’s not personal, I swear.” Jongin quickly explains. “I just want some time to . . . find myself. Have a restart. Things like that.”

“I get it.” Kyungsoo says, so Jongin won’t have to continue and reasoning things out. “I’m proud of you.”

The sincere compliment makes Jongin flush, maybe because he didn’t think Kyungsoo would say that. “I, well, thank you.” Jongin stutters out. He shoves his hands into his pockets. “But, yeah. If you want to say something, say it now. I won’t judge you for it. Bad timing or not.”

Kyungsoo looks at Jongin cautiously, trying to gauge if what he’s saying is true. But Jongin’s smile is light, unrevealing just as it is disarming, and Kyungsoo lets out a soft sigh.

“My friend has a problem.” Kyungsoo starts.

“By ‘friend’, do you mean you?” Jongin immediately asks.

Kyungsoo scoffs. “You wish.” He says. “It’s about his soulmate. Or his time, specifically.”

At least Jongin seems to believe him. Though Kyungsoo can’t really tell. He’s being awfully hard to read at the moment. “What about it?”

“He found out his soulmate has less than a year to live.” Kyungsoo says, and watches the way Jongin’s blank expression turns into one of surprise, eyes wide, a frown distastefully etched on his face.

“Shit.” Jongin whispers. “Less than a year.”

“Ten months, give or take.” Not exactly the truth. More like half of that, estimated, if Kyungsoo’s memory is right. And it should be. “But that was when they first met. It’s been months, so the time lessened.”

“Has he done the math?”

Kyungsoo has. They’re technically already halfway through. December is fast-approaching, even if August isn’t even a distant memory.  No one knows but Kyungsoo.

“Little time left.” Kyungsoo answers.

“Is dying soon the problem? Because I don’t,” Jongin falters. “I don’t know if there’s anything you can do about that. Or well. I don’t know anything. Any method. Death is permanent.” If there was, Kyungsoo lets himself briefly think, just for a moment, would _Jongin_ do something about it?

He doesn’t let himself indulge in it any longer. Krystal is gone, and Jongin isn’t that kind of person to tamper with what’s written in stone. Musing about it would lead to nothing. “The soulmate doesn’t know she’s dying. The problem is that he doesn’t know if he should tell her or not.”

Jongin blinks, processing the information. “She has to know. Needs to.”

Chanyeol doesn’t know because he hadn’t asked. Because he doesn’t want to.

Kyungsoo thinks about telling Chanyeol regardless. A lot of times, if not all the time. Even when he’s with the older and preoccupied with other matters, with all the things they do, the thought always sits at the back of his head, refusing to be forgotten. It didn’t matter that he only saw it once, in the party, when they found out. Already, Kyungsoo couldn’t forget the shape of the distinct numbers, his handwriting engraved into Chanyeol’s skin, the four categories of years, months, weeks, and days, divided by semi-colons, formatted like a digital time. Nothing like he expected to see. More zeros than needed, than expected. Shrinking time on an already small teller. Kyungsoo refuses to forget. It reminds him that every second matters. Doesn’t it only make sense that Chanyeol knows of it too?

And yet, “She doesn’t want to know, and he wants to respect that.” he says. He knows Chanyeol’s reasons, but besides those, he thinks it’s also because Chanyeol already has a feeling as to what the answer might be. Maybe the reason Chanyeol never wants to know is because he knows he won’t like what he’d hear.

Sometimes Kyungsoo looks at Chanyeol and wishes that he didn’t have to see it. That he didn’t have to know. Sometimes he wants to be with Chanyeol and not think about the fact that he has a deadline, and it’s arriving quickly. Not think about the fact that he and Chanyeol won’t have what they currently have forever. For long. That Chanyeol won’t have _anything_ for long, and how whatever they have now isn’t even enough. It scares Kyungsoo, but more than that, it makes him heartbroken, because it’s _Chanyeol_. Chanyeol, who is young, just like him, still in his third year of college, not as tainted by the real world and its harsh realities. So much for him to see, so much for him to experience, and not having the time to do so.

It’s not fair, and life is _never_ about being fair – Kyungsoo knows that fact so incredibly well – but still. He can’t help but think, frustrated, _he doesn’t deserve this_.

“He should still tell her though, even if she doesn’t want to hear it. I think that’s what he should do.” Jongin says, bringing Kyungsoo back. “It’s just one of those things. What you don’t want but maybe need. Because that isn’t just his burden to bear. It’s hers too. I. . .” He hesitates, just for a moment. “Probably wouldn’t be able to take it if Krystal didn’t know, if she continued just living her life not knowing that it was so short. It matters, knowing how much you have left.”

Maybe. But that kind of mindset is also Kyungsoo’s burden to bear. A burden Kyungsoo willing shoulders, among all the other things he carries within him. Because they’re soulmates. Because Kyungsoo cares. It doesn’t matter how badly the knowledge may tear him up inside, because in the end, he’s not the one dying. It’s Chanyeol. And Chanyeol doesn’t want to know that. Doesn’t want anything to do with it.

“And besides,” Jongin says, lastly. “Shouldn’t she get to prepare for it?”

Preparing was one of the first things he reasoned to himself– is _still_ reasoning out to himself, even until now. Why it wasn’t that bad of a thing that he knew of the inevitable countdown, how much time ticks away Chanyeol’s life, gradually coming to a curtain close. At least Kyungsoo could make the most out of every moment he can share with the other. So at least, slowly, he can prepare himself.

That’s what he tells himself. That’s what he says to make himself feel less distraught.

But he looks at Jongin and the possibly permanent slump in his shoulders, unintentionally done but still there nonetheless. Notices the slight and subtle red rim in his eyes. Remembers that Jongin’s leaving and probably won’t come back. Won’t contact anyone. Won’t want to do anything with the place where his soulmate died in.

There’s no ounce of preparation in Jongin. Only well-hidden grief. It’s only in his words that may indicate something more positive, but words can only go so far.  

Kyungsoo then thinks of Chanyeol’s words, said not so long ago, but already so distant to his memory. Thinks, _bullshit_ , in response to Jongin’s words. The latter is the prime example of that.

“You can never prepare for death.” Kyungsoo tells him, echoing the familiar words of his soulmate. The one who he will lose soon. “It’s death who prepares for you.”

Jongin stares at him. Kyungsoo still can’t read him.

“Well,” He says, and doesn’t continue.

⇝

Kyungsoo slips out of the apartment with the flimsy excuse of forgetting something back in the library to Baekhyun, who questions why he’s leaving at such a late time and without carrying anything but a jacket. In reality, he passes by the library building without looking back and ventures deeper into the campus grounds, desperate to be as far away from his apartment as possible, where his phone stays, locked in his room, ringing loudly, flooded with texts and missed calls he’ll leave on deliver and delete later without hesitance.

He finds himself right behind the main theatre, and he can’t tell if his body has led him here on purpose or just on instinct. He doesn’t go through the back door, or even the main one, even if he knows it’s unlocked. He never does. Instead, he sits down by one of the benches spread out across the empty area at the back of the building, meant for students to find a place to sit down and rest or do their schoolwork in silence. There’s a bit of gravel that he immediately feels under his palms when he places his hands down, but he isn’t bothered by it.

Plastered on the theatre’s back are posters of different musicals, both familiar and unfamiliar to Kyungsoo’s eyes, to his memory. The sight of them eases the ringing in his head, the ghost of his mother’s voice in his ears, and the image of his father’s blank face.

His eyes land on the most familiar poster at the far left, at the mid-sun and dark red background. It was the first musical he ever watched. Back in his first year of high school, getting a free ticket from Han and sneaking out of his house. A story about a mother’s sacrifice. Han loved it because he understood the amount of sacrifice his parents did for him to study here, to be here. Kyungsoo loved it because he wanted to believe his parents loved him the same way the main character loved her child, even if it seemed like everything he did only disappointed them. Even if he was never who they wanted him to be, even if they tried to change him or that.

He still partly resents them for that. But the bigger part knows that they’re just doing what they think is right. He can’t blame them for upholding their beliefs, but he can resent them for not accepting his own.

“Sun and Moon?”

Kyungsoo turns to the voice and sees Chanyeol smiling at him, standing a few meters away, dressed in all black except for the humongous purple jacket on him. He looks good. Kyungsoo’s only in sweatpants and a hoodie.

“What?” he just dumbly says.

“The song you’re singing.” Chanyeol answers. Kyungsoo hadn’t realized he was unconsciously doing it. Chanyeol doesn’t give him time to think much about it though, because he starts singing the lyrics. “‘ _You are here like a mystery. I’m from a world that’s so different from all that you are. How in the light of one night did we come so far?_ ’”

He sings it the same way Kyungsoo was mostly likely doing it – under his breath, audible enough to be heard in the quiet, but still bordering on a whisper that could be carried away by the wind. It’s still a pleasant sound nonetheless. Still enchanting. It makes this strange but familiar kind of warmth spread over Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo wants to hear more of it, but Chanyeol doesn’t continue singing. Instead, he holds up a plastic bag. “Mind if I join you?”

They talk over takoyaki, something that catches Kyungsoo off guard because it’s one of his favorite things to eat.

“Did you buy this on purpose?”

“Mhm,” Chanyeol hums, mouth full. “Don’t you remember? You gave me takoyaki before, and I promised to treat you out to this in the night market. I forgot to, all this time, but now I remembered.”

Kyungsoo doesn’t remember it, admittedly. But now that Chanyeol mentions it, it sounds like something that’s happened before. “I actually have a takoyaki maker.” he tells him. “It’s hidden below the counter though, so you wouldn’t have seen it unless Baekhyun suddenly decided he wanted to make it.”

“Baekhyun knows how to make them?”

“Fuck no. He isn’t allowed anywhere near that maker. I’m the one who bought it.” He bites and drags the ball out of the stick before chewing it.  

Chanyeol laughs. “You should make for me sometime. Payback.”

“Maybe.” Kyungsoo considers.

It doesn’t take long before the food is gone, only leaving behind the sticks and box inside the plastic bag. Kyungsoo licks his lips, feeling parched, and Chanyeol wordlessly takes out a small thermos out of nowhere. The gesture is touching, already makes Kyungsoo feel a lot better, but he can’t tell if it’s because he’s eaten or because Chanyeol’s here. The older boy gazes up at the tree right behind the bench they’re sitting on, and Kyungsoo suddenly realizes something.

“What are you doing here?” Chanyeol asks.

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?” Kyungsoo says, slowly turning away from him. The liquid swishes when he tilts the thermos. It’s half-full, like Chanyeol expected Kyungsoo to drink from it. But it’s not water inside; it’s alcohol. Kyungsoo isn’t that surprised, and he consumes it without much hesitation. It’s not strong anyway, and he feels like letting loose a little tonight.  

Chanyeol smiles in way that says he’s been caught. “Baekhyun said he was worried.”

Kyungsoo just glances back down at the plastic bag. “And the food?”

“Coincidence.” Chanyeol says. “I just came back from the market–”

“Of course.”

“And then Baekhyun said you were gone for too long. He got worried and called me.”

“He couldn’t go find me himself?”

Chanyeol shrugs. “He said it’s best if it’s me. Don’t know why though.”

He doesn’t expect that answer, but getting caught off guard seems to be a reoccurring theme for tonight. Kyungsoo huffs, slightly annoyed at Baekhyun. “He’s overreacting.”

“It’s been an hour.”

That gets Kyungsoo’s attention. He hadn’t realized he’s been here for that long. It only felt like a few minutes of wanting some space and breathing time.  

“He didn’t need to worry.” Kyungsoo says.

“Pretty sure he knows that.” Chanyeol replies.

“So why are you here?”

“Why can’t I be?” the older says. “I got to hear you sing.”

Chanyeol’s eyes alight and his words manage to make Kyungsoo’s cheeks turn pink. The latter just looks away. “‘S really not a big deal.”

“Sure it is.” Chanyeol says, leaving no room for argument.

A few moments of silence lap between them. It’s Kyungsoo who breaks it. “How did you know where to find me?”

“I didn’t.” Chanyeol answers. “But sometimes I come here to think. I had a feeling I’d figure something out if I passed by.”

“Huh,” is all Kyungsoo can muster.  

Chanyeol hums. Kyungsoo doesn’t think much of it until he realizes he’s humming to the tune of Sun and Moon. “I didn’t know you liked Miss Saigon.”

“I like a lot of musicals.” He admits. His voice hitches, wondering if he should say it, if it reveals too much. But Chanyeol’s eyes are still trained above them, to the trees’ leaves and branches, to the sky beyond it. Not looking, but definitely listening. They’re the only two around. The moment is tranquil and the night feels like it’s one for confessions. Or maybe Kyungsoo just can’t hold it in any longer. “I used to love them.”

Phantom of the Opera, Les Misérables, Mamma Mia, Cats. Many others. The posters and musicals seem endless; there’s a whole world Kyungsoo has never ventured to, only dipped his feet into. He likes it here because it’s easy to pretend like his life is how he wants it to be, when the memory of what he treasures most is right in front of him. Close like a dream, but distant enough to remind him that what could be his is not.   

“Onstage performing?” Chanyeol inquires. “You don’t seem like the type.”

“I used to get that a lot.” Kyungsoo says, but he’s not offended. It lifts his mood, even, looking back to those times when people would bother asking about it and he would proudly give an answer, despite how annoyed he’d be in the start. It was so long ago. High school was a blessing he didn’t deserve. “But I used to be part of the theatre club. Back in high school. I performed in a lot of our school musicals.”

“No wonder there’s so much power in your voice.” Chanyeol notes. “Was it fun?”

“The best.” Kyungsoo says, honesty in his voice. “Felt like I could do it forever.”

“Why didn’t you then?” asks Chanyeol. “It’s your dream, wasn’t it? It’s not like this university isn’t best known for its performing arts.”

Kyungsoo looks at the posters and thinks of why he’s even here. Thinks of the phone call he doesn’t want to answer. Thinks of the texts that always pop up on his notifications that he never reads. Thinks of his mother shaking his shoulders and of his father’s booming voice sending shivers down his spines. His once strong dreams are drowned in disappointment and horror that doesn’t belong to him. He never knew what it was like to be ashamed of himself until he looked into his parents’ eyes, and the image refuses to fade.

He blinks, and then he sees Chanyeol’s face. Patiently waiting for an answer. Or none. The choice is in Kyungsoo’s hands.

“Was.” Kyungsoo says quietly.

“What?”

“Was my dream.” Kyungsoo corrects. “Not everyone is lucky enough to have parents who support everything their kid does just because it makes them happy.”

It’s not a jab and there’s no bitterness in his tone, but Chanyeol flinches like the words hurt him, like he clearly isn’t one of those people. Kyungsoo feels numb. He doesn’t say nor do a thing, only watches for Chanyeol’s next reaction, takes another gulp of the alcohol.

“I didn’t think you liked alcohol that much.” Chanyeol says instead.

Kyungsoo blinks, slightly puzzled with the sudden observation. “Not really.” He replies. “Just haven’t had it for a long time. Wasn’t exactly allowed, and sneaking in stuff back there was nearly impossible. So the craving’s there.” The want for something familiar, something he took for the granted. The concept of having fun. The concept of being free.

“What you’re saying now.” Chanyeol says, almost hesitantly. “And even the stuff I hear you and Baekhyun and Jongdae talk about sometimes but never really understand. It has something to do with what you just said earlier, right? About your parents. About . . . coming out. About your dream.”

It’s more than a dream. Kyungsoo thinks. There’s who he is, and their rejection of it, and that’s what stings most of all, out of everything. Deny him everything he wants, but to deny him of who he is – it’s a different blow altogether. And that’s what Chanyeol’s asking about. Cautiously, because he knows it’s not his place to know. That he doesn’t have a right to know.

There are so many ways to answer Chanyeol, so many easier paths he can take and none of them would be harmful. But only one would be the truth. And Kyungsoo’s never really lied to Chanyeol, but he’s never given him the truth to anything either. It’s not like Chanyeol wants to hear it anyway.

But Chanyeol deserves something honest. Kyungsoo could give him this.

So he does. The story spills out, raw and deliberate. It’s a night for confessions, after all. Still, he doesn’t look at Chanyeol when he says it, instead resting his gaze on back of the theatre, on his shoes, on their surroundings.

“On the first semester of sophomore year, my parents found out I was gay around a week after finals.” Kyungsoo says. “They didn’t really say much, actually? At the time, they just called me the day before winter break would start and said we needed to talk. So I went back home immediately, thinking that there was a family emergency, and they confronted me about it.”

For something seemingly unforgettable, there are some things he doesn’t remember, like how his parents found out, or who was there in the house to witness the whole ordeal. But he remembers their disbelief, their denial, their disappointment, and he merely maintains a steady tone as he narrates it. It’s easier to hide how the entire thing affected him when he’s had so much going on in his life _now_ to push gap semester experience aside and more or less numb it. He could almost pass everything off as a bad dream. A bad, terribly long one. “They weren’t happy. Nor supportive.”

The worst thing about it was that he hadn’t expected such a negative reaction. How could he, when the reactions of his friends were so suffocatingly heart-warming and kind upon finding out? Shouldn’t his own family, connected by blood, have been just as receptive? Just as accepting? “So they made me spend the month doing straight conversation therapy.”  

“Shit.” Chanyeol breathes.

“I felt so humiliated about it that I didn’t want to talk to anyone anymore.” Kyungsoo continues. “But the therapy didn’t work, because it never actually works, so they pulled me out of college to stay in the province with some of my relatives. The conservative, traditional ones. They thought that the city life was corrupting me with its liberal beliefs and was the main reason for why I am . . . the way I am. And they were always working, so they didn’t have time to deal with my shit.” He splays out his hands, trying to release some tension. “I still had my phone, but I couldn’t use it to contact other people or even go online, and so all I really had left with me were the stuff I saved that they didn’t think were a big enough deal to delete, and some school books I could use to somewhat study, even if I fell behind by a lot. I was there for majority of the semester.”

Four months. It was a nightmare. “It didn’t make a difference, honestly, being there, but I wanted to come back here so badly that I just started to pretend like it was actually working, that what my relatives were saying about how it was wrong liking boys was actually true and I was just confused and made a mistake, because what would fate say? What would my soulmate say, they would tell me, if she found out that I preferred boys, something that wasn’t what fate designed for us. I ended up playing along because fighting them would only mean I’d have to endure everything that they were saying and their constant attempts at setting me up with all the girls around the area.” He shrugs. He remembers how he just wanted to get out, wanted to be able to breathe again. “But it’s been almost a year since then. I don’t– I don’t think I’ve changed that much. I’m still me, but with a sob story to lug around, this time.”

There isn’t a response after Kyungsoo finishes. He turns when he hears Chanyeol make a sound instead. “Chanyeol?”

There are tears streaming down his face, falling without fanfare. Chanyeol covers his face with his hands, almost like he’s embarrassed about reacting that way. Kyungsoo stares, wide-eyed and shocked. Then he gets ahold of himself and scoots closer to him. “Shit, are you okay?”

“I– yeah,” Chanyeol says, using the sleeves of his jacket to wipe the tears away. “I just– fuck, can I hug you? I feel like you need a hug. Or I need a hug. Whatever. Can I?”

Kyungsoo blinks. “Okay?”

Chanyeol immediately grabs his arms and pulls him in a tight embrace. It’s almost uncomfortable, at first, because Kyungsoo didn’t adjust his legs that much previously to accommodate Chanyeol’s hold, but when he does, doing it ever so subtly so the other won’t notice, it’s okay.

“I feel so bad.” Chanyeol says, head lying on the younger’s shoulder. Kyungsoo can feel the tears that haven’t fully dried or been wiped off of Chanyeol’s face against his bare skin that isn’t covered by his shirt. “That’s so fucking shitty, what you had to go through. And it’s so hard, and you just accept it and take it, and I– I can’t.” He sniffles. “I feel so guilty.”

“Why?”

“Because there’s nothing I can really do to help. And I don’t understand it, not in the way where it’ll really matter, and it sucks. I hate it.”

“I’m glad you don’t understand it.” Kyungsoo says, even if his words sound contradicting to his thoughts, to the feelings he doesn’t acknowledge. “I wouldn’t want you to go through this.”

Chanyeol takes a deep breath. “I don’t know what I’d do, if I was ever in your shoes.”

“I think you’d prevail.” Kyungsoo answers. “You’re more headstrong than I am. You don’t need to imagine being in my situation for anyone to know that.”

“But I want to be there for you.”

“This is enough.” Kyungsoo murmurs.

“Okay.” Chanyeol says, nuzzling his face further into Kyungsoo’s neck. Chanyeol breathes warm puffs of breath into his skin, and it only makes Kyungsoo’s hold on him grow tighter.

“Thank you for caring.” Kyungsoo says, another truth he’s giving up. It’s not as hard as he thought. But maybe it’s because around Chanyeol, words that are hard to say are easy to slip out. Kyungsoo would like to say that it’s a soulmate thing, but he knows better. Knows that it isn’t that. “You don’t know how much it means to me.”

Chanyeol pulls back just to give him a smile, and the sight, though familiar, takes Kyungsoo’s breath away, like he’s seeing it for the first time. It makes Kyungsoo’s heart ache, because he wishes he could love him the way he wants to, and wishes, more than anything, that he had the courage to say more than just a past he can’t alter but only turn back to. Had the courage to do something about the _present_ , so it can change the future.  

But he doesn’t. He just grabs Chanyeol’s hands and holds them, a sign of reassurance, a sign of comfort he can never truly give, a sign that _I’m here_ and _I love you_. It’s okay if Chanyeol doesn’t know about the last part. Kyungsoo can just close his eyes and pretend. For a night, it feels like time has stopped for the two of them to live in the moment.

⇝

You could say that this is the moment when Kyungsoo realizes how much he loves Chanyeol. Or the moment when Kyungsoo realizes that Chanyeol cares more than he should.

But more than anything, this is the moment when Kyungsoo realizes that he can’t lose him.

⇝

A miracle seems to find Kyungsoo on an early morning, in the form of a thick, leathered book sitting on Baekhyun’s lap as he lounges on the couch. He doesn’t have classes until afternoon, so his pace is naturally slower than it’d usually be, and his mood naturally better, while Baekhyun, who _does_ have morning class, is half-dressed, wearing shorts and a shirt with holes in it.

Kyungsoo glances at the clock. 6:12. No wonder Baekhyun isn’t rushed.

“Why are you up?” asks Kyungsoo, squinting at him as he makes his way to the living room, coffee in hand.

“Research.” Baekhyun answers, not glancing at him.

“You’re _reading_.”

“Reading _research_.”

“You don’t do research.”

“Rude!” Baekhyun exclaims. “It’s for Taeyeon anyway.”

No wonder. “About?” inquires Kyungsoo, leaning down on the back pillows, careful in making sure his hot drink doesn’t spill anywhere near Baekhyun. “I’ve never seen that book before.”

“Soulmates.” says Baekhyun. “It’s Taeyeon’s next project. She wants something different though. A unique concept and story. Fuck knows there are too many average soulmate artworks in the world.”

Kyungsoo peers down at the book but doesn’t actually read it. Instead, he takes note of the yellowed pages, the few tears, and the creases littered around it. “That’s such a real low quality book. Where’d you get that from?”

“Library.”

“The library doesn’t keep stuff like that.”

“Unless they’re from the restricted section.” Baekhyun says lightly. When he’s met with only silence, he looks up to see Kyungsoo staring back at him blankly. “What? It wasn’t like I was going to get any useful information from the ones everyone else reads.”

Kyungsoo runs a hand through his face, failing to hide his exasperation. “Do I even wanna know how you got access to it?”

“Do you really wanna hear about my sexual escapades? Taeyeon seems to find them hilarious.”

“Never mind. I don’t wanna know.” Kyungsoo pinches the bridge of his nose. “I take that this is going to be a big project?”

“Her biggest.” Baekhyun nods. They’re a really sweet couple, him and Taeyeon, if not maybe one of the strangest. It’s nothing new, seeing him reading up on some things meant for his girlfriend, who is too lazy to research things that involve words for her art projects, because she’s always been more a visual person more than anything else. Baekhyun likes to read though, so he often consumes all the information and summarizes it in a way that keeps Taeyeon entertained but also informed.

Even Kyungsoo likes to listen to them. There’s always something new he learns, despite the fact that it’s not entirely useful. He nods to the book. “What makes this so different from the rest?”

“You mean, why is it restricted?” Baekhyun says, a glint in his eyes. “They talk about all the dark stuff about soulmates.”

Kyungsoo frowns. “Like?”

“I’m only halfway through, but I checked the table of contents and already looked at the parts that were interesting.” he tells him. “There were stuff like seeing other people’s timers despite not being their soulmate. Stuff like making sure only _one_ person sees the timer, and not the other. Stuff like _changing_ their time.”

Something in Kyungsoo’s mind clicks. Like he’s just found a key he hadn’t known existed to a supposedly permanent, locked door. “What?”

“Yeah,” Baekhyun grins, amused by Kyungsoo’s obvious interest. He turns back to the book and flips a couple of pages back, before stopping at the page of a new chapter, one that says in a bold headline, _Time Can Be on Your Side._ “It’s not even dangerous to your life as long as you’re careful when doing it. Honestly, it’s so fucking simple that it’s _scary_.”

Kyungsoo can hear his own heartbeat pounding in his ears. “What do you do?”

“Write down the amount of time you want to give to your soulmate on their arm, right where their timer should be. It says you can use anything – pen, marker, whatever – to put it down, and it should fade after you do it. The new time should sink into the skin and officially change everything. It has to be handwritten because the timers are written based on your soulmate’s writing. There’s a specific reason for that, you know,” He says. “Remember what I said earlier about how this book has something about being able to see people’s timers without being their soulmate? The handwriting thing is kind of a solution to that issue. It’s the only other way of determining if your soulmate is really _your_ soulmate, besides being the only one who can supposedly see that timer.” Baekhyun explains. “Anyways, you can either take away time or give time to your soulmate, apparently. Say, for example, you want to give your soulmate two years to live. Add that to their current time and then rewrite the sum of that time in the years’ area of their timer. Same thing goes for if you’re going to subtract.”

“What the fuck,” is all Kyungsoo can manage to say.

“You don’t even need their verbal permission or whatever. You just _do_ it. It’s that goddamn _easy_.” He shakes his head. “There’s no guarantee it’d work though. There aren’t any recorded cases of it.”

“Maybe it’s because they hadn’t worked and there wasn’t any point.” Kyungsoo points out.

“Maybe.” Baekhyun muses. “Or maybe it _did_ work and this book just doesn’t have it because it’s goddamn ancient. Well, it’s in the restricted section for a reason. No one knows about it, and no one’s supposed to.”

There’s too much things running through Kyungsoo’s mind, too many possibilities, too many setbacks. He shakes his head, trying to snap out of it. “Except a couple of people. Like you and I.”

“Well, yeah,” Baekhyun says, grinning. “And maybe that librarian.”

Kyungsoo takes a sip of his coffee. It’s gone lukewarm now. “Are you telling Taeyeon about that?”

“Don’t know.” he says. “It doesn’t seem that helpful in giving her an idea on what she wants her soulmate painting to look like. You can’t exactly get visual and creative with changing your soulmate’s timer, can you?”

“It does seem like something too mundane to be a painting.” Kyungsoo considers. “But just bring it up with her. We aren’t artists; she is. She might be able to make use of the idea somehow.”

Baekhyun hums. “But then if I do, and Taeyeon decides to use it, and it gets her famous, then everyone will know about it. What if she gets arrested for that? And what if _I_ get arrested to for telling her?” He looks worried, all of a sudden. “Kyungsoo, I’m not ready to go to jail. I’m still so young! Taeyeon and I haven’t even discussed moving in plans yet. It’s why I’m still stuck with you.”

At that, Kyungsoo rolls his eyes. “Feign ignorance or imagination. It’s fictional, after all. Not real.”  

“Oh, you have a point.” Baekhyun considers. “Actually, if she’d let me give suggestions– because you know how adamant she is to accepting my ideas just because they’re a tad bit more radical than hers . . .”

Kyungsoo zones out as Baekhyun rambles on. He looks down at his wrist, bare and empty of something he knows is there, and imagines Chanyeol’s remaining time imprinted on his skin instead.

⇝

Chanyeol’s been wearing a lot of caps lately. Kyungsoo only realizes this fact when Chanyeol meets up with him wearing a yellow cap, only to take it off a few seconds later. Underneath is a fluffy mop of black hair, tousled but curled like a poodle’s. It’s ridiculously endearing, especially when he runs a hand through it, trying to keep it upright and failing when it just flops down. Chanyeol pouts, vaguely annoyed by his hair’s lack of cooperation. Kyungsoo just laughs and tells him he should’ve fixed it earlier, placed on hair gel, or just continue wearing the cap if he’s that upset.

“Can’t though.” Chanyeol says, in response to the last part. “They don’t allow it inside.”

Kyungsoo raises an eyebrow. “Inside?”

It turns out Chanyeol contacted Kyungsoo for an impromptu night out not because there was this new place he wanted to try out (he always asks Kyungsoo because he needs a second opinion as to whether returning to the place or recommending it is a good idea or not, and Kyungsoo’s opinions are usually the best), but rather to take him to the small theatre hall sitting in one of the night market’s intersections. It’s not like Kyungsoo’s never passed by the place before, but he’s never went inside. Never had a reason to.

“Why are we here?” Kyungsoo asks, as they stand by the theatre’s front doors.

“Why else would we be here?” Chanyeol replies, before showing him the two tickets that would let them inside. Kyungsoo’s eyes widen. “I got ‘em for free, so don’t worry about paying me back or whatever. It’s not a Miss Saigon one, sadly, but it’s still a good one.” 

“What’s not to love about Phantom of the Opera?”

Chanyeol’s eyes shine. “Exactly.”

Kyungsoo feels sheepish, all of a sudden. Even if Chanyeol said he got them for free, watching a musical with him feels like this is more than just a hangout between two friends. It’s like a date. “Are you sure Irene wouldn’t mind?”

Chanyeol frowns at the mention of her, but it seems more out of confusion. “Why would she be?” he asks. “She isn’t the one who likes broadways.”

Kyungsoo shrugs. “Yeah, but she’s your girlfriend–”

“And you’re my best friend.” Chanyeol interrupts.

“What?”

“What?” Chanyeol says back. “You are.”

The younger blinks. “I don’t think I do anything best friend worthy.”

Chanyeol laughs at that. “Who says you have to? You just _are_ . That’s how these things work, ‘Soo. And you’re not like, my _only_ best friend, if that’s what you’re worried about. I have others too. Just as you do.”

Kyungsoo can understand that. This is Chanyeol’s indirect way of comforting him, reassuring him that– Kyungsoo doesn’t exactly know. All he does know is that Chanyeol’s brought him on purpose, and that he’s doing this for him. “Okay.”

Chanyeol shakes his head, looking amused and maybe a bit fond. It makes Kyungsoo’s cheeks turn pink, but Chanyeol doesn’t see it because he drags them both inside and hands the ticket over to the man in the booth. They’re right on time, because when they settle themselves in their seats right in the middle, the curtains part open.

It’s been years since he’s watched the musical. The last time was, maybe in high school, back in Tao’s bedroom, where he, Han, and Kyungsoo would huddle around the laptop playing the shitty bootleg version of the performance. It’s way better live, though not as homey, and the unforgettable music echoes in Kyungsoo’s ears, refusing to cease until the next song enters. Whenever he hears the rich voice of the men come in, performing their respective solos or duets, he imagines himself standing onstage in their place, singing those same lines under the spotlight. It feels like it could be real.

Chanyeol jumps during the start of the most dramatic scenes, even if he said earlier that he’s watched it before, and it causes the people behind them to grumble in annoyance at how squirmy Chanyeol is. The older also squeezes Kyungsoo’s arm a bit too tight, but he doesn’t mind, secretly and unapologetically appreciating how close they are together.  

Once the musical comes to an end, there’s a sense of disappointment he feels at how it’s already over, but he’s also sated, at the same time. When the cast exits the stage and people start standing up, he expects them to do the same. Except Chanyeol hasn’t moved from his seat, and he still has an iron grip on Kyungsoo’s arm, so he stays put. Eventually, when the audience has mostly dispersed, crowding by the doors, Chanyeol abruptly pulls him down with him to the floor, squatting between the seats and covering them from view.

“Why are we hiding?” Kyungsoo asks, but Chanyeol shushes him. “Why are you telling me to keep quiet?” he whispers.

“How long do you think we can stay here without any of them noticing?” Chanyeol asks instead. “Tonight’s the last showing.”

Kyungsoo thinks about it for a few seconds. “Everyone’s probably too distracted with the actors outside to bother coming in here. It’s a local gig, right?” Chanyeol nods. “They’re probably going to let people talk to the performers and have pictures with them, so maybe for a while. Half an hour, give or take. Why?”

“Nothing.” Chanyeol whispers, and then giggles quietly. “I just wanna stay here for a while. Do you mind?”

Kyungsoo shakes his head. “No.”

“Great.” Chanyeol grins, before hoisting him up and dashing through the path at the center. They go up the small stairwell and then Chanyeol lets him go to walk around. Kyungsoo chooses to stand right at the center, where he assumes the main character stood during their solo when they weren’t walking around. He recalls a song from earlier, and the words bubble from his throat, threatening to spill out.   

It comes out quietly, just as how it always does, and not as strong as the performers who previously stood on this stage and wowed the audience. He sings at this level because he’s still shy, and not enough coaxing from anyone (not even Chanyeol) can get him out of his shell completely, but he can’t help but wonder if it’s also because he just doesn’t have the same skill he did before. He doesn’t even know how puberty’s affected his voice. Doesn’t know if lack of usage diminishes the quality or not. He hasn’t done this enough times in the past few months and weeks to be sure.

Kyungsoo sings a bit of what he remembers before realizing that Chanyeol’s footsteps have halted, most likely to listen and pay attention to him. He stops, because of that, and sits down with his legs crossed on the stage. The footsteps resume, growing louder, until Chanyeol stands diagonal to him, a bit more forward.

“You gonna sing?” Kyungsoo asks.

Chanyeol shakes his head. “I like performing, but probably not as much as you.” he says. “I like making music for others to perform it more.” He looks towards the direction where the light shining on them is coming from. “I don’t watch a lot of these, but this musical is hands down my favorite. Probably for that reason. I’d like to think I see myself in the phantom.”

“‘Cause one of the main character’s is a composer?”

“It definitely isn’t because he’s ugly.” Chanyeol says, and Kyungsoo rolls his eyes. “But I’d give my music to people who I believed would perform it best. Who would love it best. I could probably even fall in love with them because of it. Music makes anything possible. It brings people together. It makes you capable of feeling anything, of doing everything. It’s beautiful.”

“Once a musician, always a musician.” Kyungsoo comments, but there’s a fond smile on his face, because the passion that oozes from Chanyeol’s voice and seeps into the words that leave his lips are so genuine it hurts. There’s nothing Chanyeol loves more than music. Music, which constantly drapes itself on him like a soft blanket, has such a big factor in his life and all that he does. He has his dream in his hands and it’s only grows as time passes. Kyungsoo isn’t envious of Chanyeol for having something that makes him happier, better.

“I liked this.” Kyungsoo says. “A lot. Going here, I mean. It made me remember why I loved it so much.”

“I’m happy you did.” Chanyeol replies sincerely. “I promise to take you to more of this when I can. Soundwave head perks.” He wags his fingers at him. “Lots of the members are actually from really rich families, so they have benefits like this, and they always ask what I want from them for gifts or thanks. Good thing I said this would be a great one.”  

“Abuse of power.” Kyungsoo tuts jokingly. Chanyeol shrugs and grins, shameless about it. Kyungsoo returns the expression before raising his head to the main light’s direction and closing his eyes, similar to what Chanyeol was doing earlier. From the side, he can hear the other laughing quietly. “What?”

“What are you doing?”

“Remembering.” Kyungsoo tells him, eyes still shut. “I rarely go to theatre halls. Just the back of them. Outside.”

“Why not?” Chanyeol asks. “Actually, why have you never joined any of our theatre clubs? Or even Soundwave? You don’t have to take up a major related to it if you don’t want to. It’s recreational anyway. Nothing serious, just fun..”

“Parents.” Kyungsoo replies, almost in reminder. It always comes back to them. This is the first time he’s going to be telling anyone about this. This specific anecdote about him that he’s kept close to his heart for years. “They thought theatre was only for girls, and made me stop when I got into college before I could get ‘influenced’. Couldn’t be an extracurricular for them, and especially not an option for a major. During that time, they didn’t know I was gay, but when they found out, they thought that theatre was one of the reasons why I was. Am.”

“That’s such a fucked up way of seeing things.”

Kyungsoo hums and opens his eyes, braves his gaze towards the light. “Theatre was my first love, you know? It was also where I met my two best friends in high school. They’re the ones who got me into our school’s theatre club.”

Han and Tao. The people who also made him love the art even more than he really did, with his shallow fascination that eventually bloomed into a genuine passion. He hasn’t spoken to them in forever, and doesn’t even how they’ve been doing ever since he’s entered college, but there’s no bad blood between them – that, he’s sure of. Only fond memories. All they’ve done is distance themselves, because they live different lives, have gone through different things, and made different choices that made them all far away from each other. “It was also what made me realize I was gay.”

“Yeah?”

“Mhm,” Kyungsoo says. “Han knew a lot. Taught me a lot.” Knew a lot, was liked by a lot. He was Kyungsoo’s first kiss, his second love. It was never anything serious, because high school loves never lasted, but it was good. It was eye-opening. It made Kyungsoo smile fondly when looking back on it.

Chanyeol doesn’t ask for any explanation about who Han is. Maybe the wistful look on Kyungsoo’s face is telling enough.

Then, in a more cautious, toned down voice, Kyungsoo adds, “Don’t tell Baekhyun and Jongdae, okay?”

“Tell them what?”

“This.” Kyungsoo gestures towards everything around them. At least Chanyeol seems to get it. “And . . . what I just said. I don’t want them to know.”

There’s a frown on Chanyeol’s face, so Kyungsoo quickly explains. “I’m not embarrassed about it or anything. I just . . . don’t want them to know. It’s better if no one knows about it. Not like anyone can do anything about it anyway.” Except maybe this. He’s never even seen movie-musicals, always believing that letting himself indulge in it would only make the ache grow stronger, and he’d just feel like shit even more, because he can’t have that kind of life where he was living his dream any longer. But Chanyeol bringing him here makes him realize otherwise. Kyungsoo misses it, but it doesn’t make him feel bitter or hurt. It just makes him motivated to ensure that other people can have what he can’t. That other people can have their dream.  

“But you told me.” Chanyeol points out slowly.

“I did.” Kyungsoo agrees. “Secret for a secret.”

“Okay.” says Chanyeol, leaning on Kyungsoo. Their wrists unintentionally knock together. Chanyeol doesn’t notice it, because he never does, but Kyungsoo briefly looks down and is reminded again of the other’s timer. “Your secret’s safe with me. What happens here, stays in here.”

Kyungsoo doesn’t know if it’s the choice of Chanyeol’s words, or the way they’re touching, or because he’s giving Chanyeol another tiny piece of him that others don’t know about. A piece he doesn’t plan on telling. But Kyungsoo wants to lean forward and kiss him, just because the scene feels right. Because what happens here stays here, and Chanyeol never has to do much for Kyungsoo to feel better besides just be himself. And sometimes, in moments like these, Kyungsoo thinks Chanyeol may like him the same way he does, despite everything they know and have come to accept.

The spell breaks when Chanyeol’s phone shrills from his pocket. Kyungsoo recognizes the specific ringtone, the sweet piano melody the other only reserves for Irene. Chanyeol doesn’t acknowledge it, not immediately anyway, but it’s enough for Kyungsoo to remember reality. He pulls away, almost reluctantly. A beat later, Chanyeol answers the call.

⇝

It’s two days after Chanyeol’s birthday when Kyungsoo does it.

Chanyeol’s fallen asleep on Kyungsoo’s bed, the laptop that had been playing a movie they were watching half an hour ago left discarded, now returned safely to his desk so that it wouldn’t be accidentally kicked out by Chanyeol’s long limbs. Kyungsoo is wide awake, on the other hand, lying down beside him, arms propped up so he can think to himself and watch the taller as he sleeps.  

It’s easy to assume that Kyungsoo’s doing it now because Chanyeol’s birthday is still fresh from his mind, a loud and cheerful event that made Kyungsoo realize how much people there are in Chanyeol’s life and how affected they’d be if anything happened to him. Made him realize that the smile on Chanyeol’s face and the shine in his eyes practically scream life and his strong desire for it. Made him realize that Chanyeol has this beautiful world of his own that Kyungsoo is a part of, but not vital to.

They’re all _partly_ why, just like how every other moment spent with Chanyeol somehow makes the list grow longer. But the real reason Kyungsoo’s doing this now is because there’s an opportunity, because he can. Because he thinks he’ll never get to have the chance ever again.

It’s not even midnight yet. Chanyeol lost conscious early into the evening from exhaustion, having just come back from visiting some relatives who lived nearby that wanted to celebrate his birthday in lieu of his main family, who lived too far.

He arrived at Kyungsoo and Baekhyun’s doorstep only a few hours ago, claiming that he was here because Kyungsoo had to make it up to him for ditching his birthday party so early. Even Baekhyun and Jongdae stayed for the karaoke and drinks, while Kyungsoo left even before they could pay the bill for the dinner celebration beforehand. The younger said it was because he wasn’t needed, and Chanyeol retorted by saying he was _now_ , and demanded to be given the company and time he deserved from his best friend. Kyungsoo relented, letting Chanyeol in, and ignored the look Baekhyun was not-so subtly sending him from the other side of the room, sitting cross-legged by the kitchen island and drinking tea.  

They watched a movie on his laptop inside his bedroom, where Baekhyun couldn’t third-wheel. Chanyeol ate his mints like they were actual food because he didn’t have the guts to request for anything until Kyungsoo got fed up enough to make popcorn for the both of them. Chanyeol was the only one interested enough in the movie’s plot, a random horror flick that Kyungsoo just coincidentally had because Baekhyun borrowed his laptop once and wasn’t at all paying attention to, but dozed off halfway through without warning.

Kyungsoo feels ridiculous like this, marker in hand and carefully positioned close to Chanyeol’s wrist. He came in a sweater, oversized because he always liked feeling small despite being so big and to battle against the cold, but now, in the heat of Kyungsoo’s bedroom, they’re rolled up and showing some of his skin. Chanyeol had probably done it unintentionally, because just as how Kyungsoo was so cautious with his own timer, so was he, but Kyungsoo hadn’t minded. It made things easier.

Still, there’s that hesitation preventing him from already doing what he intended to do. There’s a big chance doing this won’t work, and it would not only make him look like a complete fool for attempting something like this, but also cause some questions to come from Chanyeol, things he isn’t willing to answer because he knows the other’s reaction would be anything but pleasant, because the ink from the marker will most likely not fade. It doesn’t help that even on the off-chance that this _does_ work, Kyungsoo can’t give Chanyeol an accurate amount of time when he doesn’t even know how much longer he himself has to live. Chanyeol hadn’t told him, after all. And he could never ask, because that would also raise suspicion. And Chanyeol couldn’t know. No one could.

There are just too many things he’s lacking, too many complications, too many negative effects. Kyungsoo knows he shouldn’t do it. There are an infinite amount of reasons not to. The idea had been great in the beginning, when he wasn’t really thinking and only considered that he actually had a chance this time, but now it’s backtracking. Now he’s thinking twice and thinking it through.

The grip on the marker has loosened, and the tension in his shoulders is slowly dissipating because of his crumbling resolve. His cheeks burn with shame at the fact that he let himself believe such a fairytale-esque notion when there’s nothing to support it but some volume from the restricted section that _should_ emphasize its possible legitimacy, but also tells him that it’s there for the probable reason that it gives readers the wrong ideas. Chanyeol snores softly beside him, unaware of the war waging in Kyungsoo’s head. The latter looks away. Despite his resignation, he still feels slightly conflicted.

In the end though, what pushes him is how Chanyeol suddenly mumbles, hand reaching out to grab the nearest thing he could touch. It happens to be Kyungsoo’s other hand, something he clasps and clings onto like he needs it. Kyungsoo’s eyes land on the timer again. The numbers left make him grimace. In a short while, it’ll go lower, when the clock strikes midnight and the day shifts to another new one. But Chanyeol’s touch is gentle and needy. Kyungsoo’s heart swells, a reaction he’ll never get used to no matter how many times it happens because of the other, and he remembers why he’s doing this.

He looks at the marker and then at the timer again, and thinks, _this has to be better than doing nothing at all_.

Kyungsoo had already done the math beforehand, though he doesn’t know what he’s risking when he adds thirty-five more years to Chanyeol’s life as he scribbles the newly computed time down on the elder’s wrist. Chanyeol stirs, but he’s always been a deep sleeper, and Kyungsoo’s touch is feathery and light. He did say Kyungsoo had a really long time to live, enough to accomplish all that he’d want to. Thirty-five is enough. If he’s lucky, the time would split equally between them. Seventy to eighty is the youngest age Kyungsoo can ever picture to be the time when one could confidently say they’ve lived with minimum regrets.

If he’s not, well. He doesn’t let himself think about that.

Nothing happens, in the start. Kyungsoo stifles the bubbling anxiety building up in his chest. He sets the marker down and brushes a thumb against the timer, wondering how this would change everything.

The answer comes to him a second after, as the timer behind the marker-inked one fades and replaces itself with the one previously above it. Kyungsoo’s handwriting blends easily with the one already engraved on Chanyeol’s skin, shaping itself into the numbers Kyungsoo wrote down.

Kyungsoo watches with a parted mouth, the shift and alteration of a time unfolding right before his eyes, feeling entirely surreal. His heart beats loudly in his chest. Another emotion blooms in his chest, but he squashes it down the same way he did earlier. It’s still too soon, despite what just happened. There’s no other sure sign to tell him the effect of his actions.

He refuses to hope too much, because the disappointment would be unbearable. But he lets the possibility stay.

⇝

The end of finals week is a breath of fresh cold air to majority of the student body, a heavy burden lifted from their shoulders, weeks and months of effort resulting in large projects and activities finally finished with. The next few days are spent with everyone busy scheduling hangouts before the break or packing up, excited to see their families after being apart from them for so long, or other activities and plans they couldn’t do because of school.

All of Kyungsoo’s friends are busy for winter break. Jongdae is excited to go on his planned trip abroad, while Baekhyun will be going on a special road trip with his beloved soulmate. It isn’t much of a surprise that Kyungsoo is going to be staying in the apartment the entire time, but Baekhyun offers Kyungsoo to go with Taeyeon and him so he wouldn’t have to be alone. Kyungsoo just laughs because they don’t need him third-wheeling, and _besides, someone has to watch the place while you’re gone_ , and it’s Kyungsoo’s turn now, since Baekhyun had already done it the year prior. His roommate hesitates, but Taeyeon eventually steps in and tells Kyungsoo that they’ll reserve a seat for him right before they leave. They both know he won’t take it, but he’s grateful that they’re saying it anyway.

Chanyeol is planning on heading back home to see his family. When the older finds out that Kyungsoo will just be by himself in the lonely apartment (Chanyeol doesn’t pry, of course, because he knows as well as Jongdae and Baekhyun do that there’s no way Kyungsoo is returning home to see his parents, and it’s not like his parents put up a big fuss about meeting him anyway, not when they’re so busy themselves with their own lives to live), he suggests the most outrageous thing and says, “Why don’t you come home with me? My parents would love to have you.”

Kyungsoo stares at him. “What?”

“Not the whole winter break.” Chanyeol adds, and then pauses. “Unless you want to. The more the merrier. My mom says she’s sick of Yoora and I already and wants to meet you anyway.”

“Why does your mom know me?”

“Because I talk about you?” Chanyeol scrunches up his nose, confused by Kyungsoo’s surprise.

“Why?”

“Because . . . that’s a thing I do? I talk to my family about the important people in my life?”

“Oh,” Kyungsoo mumbles. He gets it. Sorta. There are kids who share a lot of things about their lives to their parents. It’s normal, technically. Kyungsoo just . . . isn’t. The last time he shared anything remotely personal from his parents was freshman high school, and that was about how he broke up with his first ever (and only) girlfriend, saying that they wanted different things. Kyungsoo doesn’t think Chanyeol told his parents about the fact that they’re soulmates though. Not when Chanyeol himself doesn’t even acknowledge it. It doesn’t bother Kyungsoo.  “Why don’t you bring your girlfriend over instead?”

“My mom says no girlfriends allowed. Or girls in general. I brought Seulgi over last time, and when we broke up, she said I couldn’t bring anyone who didn’t plan on staying in my life over.”

Kyungsoo quirks an eyebrow. “And where’s your guarantee that I will?”

“The fact that you’re still here.” Chanyeol says, and it’s a half-acknowledgement to what they really are. Good enough. “So? What do you say?”

Kyungsoo shifts nervously in his seat. They’re in Koko Bop. There are less students hanging around than usual since they don’t need caffeine to stay awake and because some have already left to go on their vacation even though the break still starts in two days. “I don’t know.”

Chanyeol squints at him. Kyungsoo knows he’s trying to read his body language since his words don’t give away much. Kyungsoo hates feeling nervous, but then again, this is the last thing he expected from anyone. But he should be getting used to this; Chanyeol’s tendency to surprise him is too common at this rate.

“I don’t even know anything about your family.” Kyungsoo eventually says.

“Well, we own a restaurant. It’s really good. It’d be cool if you could taste some of our food.” Chanyeol tells him. “People say we’re a tight-knit family, but we always have a guest room and pull-out beds for impromptu sleepovers. We have a dog, his name’s Toben. My sister is setting up a radio station and loves makeup; she’s the one who told me that anyone can wear makeup regardless of gender, and why I kind of know how to do it.” Kyungsoo thinks of all the time Chanyeol’s worn eyeliner and silently thanks Yoora. “My mom always cooks for more than four and is the one who makes all the cringey jokes. My dad loves watching old samurai films and says the best way I can make him proud is by living happily.”

“They sound like they’re amazing.” Kyungsoo says.

“We argue a lot because we’re all kind of strong-willed and have a lot of disagreements, so we’re not perfect, but yeah. They’re great. I’m lucky.” Chanyeol agrees, a fond look on his face. Then he taps on Kyungsoo’s hand with his finger. “They’d love it if you came. One more kid for them to take in. We love people. They’re a lot like me.”

Kyungsoo bites his lip. “Loud and clumsy?”

Chanyeol pouts. “We can quiet down when we need to.”

“Please don’t.” Kyungsoo finds himself saying. Chanyeol grins. Kyungsoo’s ears color. He badly wants to say yes; he wants to meet Chanyeol’s family. Maybe they aren’t picture-perfect, but at least the arguments they may have doesn’t seem to put a strain in their relationship the way Kyungsoo’s does with his own parents. Begrudging acceptance is better than none at all. And they seem warm, even if he hasn’t met them yet. Doesn’t even know what they look like. But Chanyeol is a product of their nurture, and he’s like the early sun, something everyone loves. And Kyungsoo just _wants_ to get to know his family more. Selfishly wants another piece of Chanyeol to himself because he’s greedy and in love with him and also still so, so scared.

It’s also why he doesn’t plan on agreeing, despite wanting to.

Chanyeol needs time with his family, doesn’t need an intruder forcing them to shift from their normal dynamics in order to make a practical stranger feel at home. Especially when it might really just be his last ever. There are no signs of what Kyungsoo had done to Chanyeol’s time the morning after, and while the timer’s changed, Kyungsoo hadn’t gotten another glimpse of it ever again because Chanyeol went back to covering it. He doesn’t know if it really worked. He’d have to find out during winter break itself or after. Chanyeol’s last day is supposed to be on New Years’ Eve. His death might relate to fireworks. Kyungsoo is so terrified and anxious for it. A supposedly joyous occasion might bring on a tragedy no one wants. He isn’t ready.

So as much as Kyungsoo wants to stay with him every second – he won’t deny that – until Chanyeol’s approaching end comes, he knows he needs to let him go so he can spend time with the other people who mean the world to him. Especially his family, who love him as much as he loves them. Kyungsoo may be his soulmate, but it doesn’t make anyone else any less important. He’s just one among the many others in the sea of people Chanyeol treasures. The only difference he really has from all of them is that he knows about Chanyeol’s impending death.

(And maybe, just maybe, a 1% chance, was able to do something about it.)

“It’s okay.” Kyungsoo says. “I’ll be okay here.”

He doesn’t miss the way Chanyeol’s shoulders deflate, as if he’s disappointed Kyungsoo isn’t going to go with him. Kyungsoo’s lips twitch, wondering if that gesture is supposed to mean what he wants it mean. He’s also undeniably amused. He reaches over and tugs at Chanyeol’s earlobe playfully. “Don’t be so disappointed. I’m pretty sure what they want more than anything is for their son to come home so they can dote on him, despite what they may say.”

“Liar.” Chanyeol whines, but doesn’t push it anymore.

⇝

Kyungsoo spends most of the winter break catching up on sleep and things from last year that he missed from staying in the province – binge-watching shows and movies, reading books, falling asleep to different kinds of music he used to like but almost forgot about. There are also updates from his friends on how their lives are, like Jongdae posting aesthetic-worthy pictures of New York that he took, Baekhyun showing short videos of him and Taeyeon fooling around in the snow, and Chanyeol sending Kyungsoo pictures of Viva Polo, his family restaurant, as well as initiating the most amount of phone and video calls Kyungsoo’s had with anyone his entire life, doing it almost every other day.  

Jongin is still entirely MIA from every social media platform and even his old number is dead to the world, the same way Kyungsoo was the year prior, except all of Jongin’s accounts have been deleted rather than abandoned. His birthday is going to be in the next month, just like Kyungsoo’s, but Kyungsoo chooses not to dwell on it much. The entire winter break is uneventful, technically, but he treasures the lack of action in lieu of the alternative he could’ve faced if he went home – tension-filled meals and everyone walking on thin ice, trying to fuel the lies they’ve all perfectly crafted for themselves so that breathing can be a little bit easier. His parents may call and say they miss them, but then when the child in Kyungsoo is about to say it back, because he will always love his parents, even if the emotion is not as strong as it once was, they touch on sore subjects by asking about a girlfriend that isn’t there and an identity that is but one that they refuse to recognize, reminding him that no one will judge him for being confused, despite how disastrous that time was for all of them when they found out.

It’s like Kyungsoo blinks and then it’s already New Years’ Eve day. He slept late, around 3AM, talking to Chanyeol about something he doesn’t even remember, trying to ease his anxiousness that he ended up sleeping with anyway. At least it confirmed that he wouldn’t be dying that early in the morning. He hates how the timer doesn’t cover the amount of seconds or minutes a person has left, only days and anything larger than that.

Kyungsoo wakes up and it’s New Years’ Eve, he knows, but it’s also awfully dark, like the sun never rose. He reaches to the nightstand for his phone to check the time, and his blurry sight catches the double digits on the clock. 22:38. Fuck. The day’s almost over and he slept through majority of it. Kyungsoo feels like vomiting, and he sits up, grabs his glasses, and looks through his flooded notifications, that familiar sense of fear and horror in the pit of his stomach.

They’re all coming from Jongdae and Baekhyun in their # _chinguclub_ groupchat, but it’s nothing alarming, just a flood of messages of greeting, playful bickering, and narrating to each other as to what they’re doing. Chanyeol hasn’t read any of them yet. The last time he was online was when he was talking with Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo discards all the messages and goes to his contacts, searches for Chanyeol’s name and then presses the call button. His holds his breath when it’s taking longer than necessary for the call to reach, still ringing and waiting for the recipient to answer, but then it stops. Kyungsoo still refuses to let himself breathe.

“ _Kyungsoo_?” comes Chanyeol’s voice, confused, but the sound is comfort to his ears, letting Kyungsoo sigh in relief.

“Hey,” he says. “Sorry I fell asleep halfway through our conversation. I just woke up.”

Chanyeol whistles. “ _That’s really long. Hope it was good.”_ Kyungsoo hums. “ _Is this why you called me? Just for that?”_

The words seem almost irritated, but it’s the confusion and surprise in Chanyeol’s tone that says otherwise. It hits Kyungsoo, just then, that he’s never initiated a phone call with Chanyeol before, and all their previous contact over the break so far had been started by the older, with him always reluctantly accepting. Kyungsoo can’t tell Chanyeol he called him because he just wanted to reassure himself that he was still alive, but he can’t think of any reliable excuse either.

“You weren’t online the whole day.” Kyungsoo finds himself saying. “Which was weird.”

_“I was out the entire time though, didn’t even have time to check my phone until now.”_

“Yeah?”

“ _Mhm_ ,” Chanyeol hums. “ _When I woke up, it was lunch, and mom made me do some work at Viva Polo because all of our employees are with their families. There weren’t a lot of customers like there usually were, but there were enough to keep me until the shop closed. Then mom made me make dinner with Yoora.”_

“You did way more than I did today though.” Kyungsoo says. “I just slept.” And Chanyeol laughs.

“ _Can’t believe you called me.”_ He replies. “ _Do you miss talking to me that much?”_

“Think it’s vice-versa, actually.” Kyungsoo retorts instead.

“ _Hmm, maybe_.” Chanyeol considers. “ was _planning on video calling you. Must be fate that you had the same thing in mind, huh?”_

“Maybe.”

“ _Wanna video-call? I wanna see you_.”

There’s a poorly concealed smile on Kyungsoo’s face when his phone screen shifts into Chanyeol’s dorky face and the dorkier grin he’s wearing, before it turns into a frown when he notices the elder’s surroundings.

“Where are you?” Kyungsoo asks, unable to tell due to how dark everything is. It’s not dark enough for him to not see Chanyeol, but his features aren’t as clear as they should be.

“ _Outside_.” Chanyeol answers. “I _n front of Viva Polo_.” He adjusts the camera angle, letting Kyungsoo see the inside of the restaurant through the window panes, at the people inside and the large light they stay under. He can see Chanyeol’s face better like this. “ _My family’s inside with a few other relatives, drinking and talking about the latest gossip around the area_.”

“Outside?” Kyungsoo echoes.

“ _Yup_.” Chanyeol hums before looking up. “ _It’s really loud in there. Can’t really hear my own thoughts. Here is quieter_.” He explains. “P _lus, the sky’s really nice to look at now. Soon enough the fireworks are gonna come.”_

Kyungsoo bites his lip as he makes his way into the kitchen. He isn’t that hungry, so he pulls out a can of beer instead, something he bought yesterday. “You should head inside then, before they come.”

“ _But I wanna see them_.” Chanyeol complains.

The younger laughs, but it’s slightly strained due to his paranoia. “Pretty sure you can still see them from inside.”

Chanyeol looks at the screen. _“I’ll go in if you go out. We need to see the fireworks together. You can’t stay cooped in there forever.”_

“You’d be surprised.” Kyungsoo says, but relents more or less, showing Chanyeol a view of him exiting his apartment to go to the hallway, which is outside and gives Kyungsoo an equally good view of the sky and the landscape below. He’s tempted to lean on the railings, but doesn’t want to risk drooping either his beer or his phone, and leans back against the wall instead, able to still get a look up despite the roof. “I’m out.”

“ _Okay._ ” Chanyeol says, and the phone blurs, the connection quality not that great, until he hears a bell chime and a door swing open. Immediately, loud chatter and laughs escape his phone, and Chanyeol, better seen than before, reappears on the camera. “ _Can you hear me? I’m sitting at the corner nearby. Everyone’s in the center or far back, so it shouldn’t be that loud.”_

“I can hear you.” Kyungsoo says. “But you were right when you said they’re a lot like you.”

Chanyeol sticks his tongue out at him, and Kyungsoo grins, hopelessly endeared.

“ _Still don’t regret coming here?”_ Chanyeol asks.

“Should I?”

“ _I don’t know. How is it back there_?”

“You ask me this every other time.”

Chanyeol licks his lips. “ _Maybe I’m the one who regrets you not coming here. I think you would’ve really liked it. Or maybe I would’ve liked it more.”_

“What a selfish bastard you are.” Kyungsoo teases, but he likes the words, likes how it means that he means this much to Chanyeol. And it’s because Chanyeol also means that much to Kyungsoo, if not even more, that he can’t wait ‘till the day is over, and the next day, and the next, until they see each other again, because Kyungsoo refuses to believe he’s completely safe and everything’s okay until there’s enough time to prove it.  

They stay on the phone until clock strikes midnight and the fireworks rise and explode into different colors that light the sky. Kyungsoo lets himself enjoy the sight for a few seconds before glancing down at his phone, looking at Chanyeol, who is still busy being enraptured by the view.

“Happy New Year.” Kyungsoo greets, sounding breathless. Chanyeol says it back, distracted, and Kyungsoo doesn’t realize he’s crying until a drop of water falls on his screen and it occurs to him that it can’t be the rain because there’s a roof above his head. And then he unconsciously sniffles loudly, and that gets Chanyeol’s attention.

“ _Kyungsoo?_ ” Chanyeol says worriedly, brows knitted together as he tries to make out Kyungsoo’s features amidst the grainy quality.  “ _Shit, are you okay? What happened?”_

“Nothing.” Kyungsoo manages to reply, sinking to the floor. He told himself he wouldn’t let himself have so much hope even when Chanyeol’s death day passes, because there’s no guarantee that just because the original date passed doesn’t mean that it won’t be happening soon at all. There are still too many possibilities, even if gradually, it’s going better than Kyungsoo ever planned. And yet. “I’m just–”

“ _Just? Just what? ‘Soo?”_

And yet he’s so grateful. Relieved. Happy. What was once hopeless isn’t so hopeless, after all. Not all the certainties Kyungsoo wants are there, but some of them are, and they all mean so much to him. The entire year was shit to him, and it felt like a pure downward spiral no one knew about but him, a rollercoaster with a terrifying drop that no one was fazed by because they had all their seatbelts on, while he didn’t have anything to keep him from slipping out. His parents’ denial, Chanyeol’s rejection, his soulmate’s death. The many other things that fit in between. Maybe not all of them are working out, but at least there are some. At least there are the few things – like friends, like music, like normalcy, like Jongin’s words, like Jongdae’s concern, like Baekhyun’s presence, like Chanyeol’s smile – that make things better. It’s all Kyungsoo could ask for.

“I’m happy we’re soulmates.” Kyungsoo confesses, amidst the loud crackling coming from everywhere, unstoppable and unrelenting.

Chanyeol doesn’t say anything, and now, Kyungsoo refuses to look at the phone screen.

Another firework bursts. When the light rains down, Chanyeol eventually replies, “ _Me too_.”

Kyungsoo wipes his eyes. Chanyeol says, _please don’t cry; that’s my job_ , and Kyungsoo laughs to fight down the words of, _fuck, I love you_.

⇝

School resumes three days before Kyungsoo’s birthday, so it’s expected that his friends haven’t returned from their respective trips yet. Classes are slow-paced and don’t feel real, everyone who actually made it back on time still recovering from their vacation haze. The days so far are ridiculously slow, but at least the weekend is soon, which is his birthday, and for once, he’s actually looking forward to it.

When the weekend comes, he shamelessly spends the Saturday sleeping until noon. He’d already shaken off the habit of excessively sleeping over the semester, but it was slowly returning because of winter break and his lack of responsibility of having to cook meals for Baekhyun, who couldn’t make anything decent except for noodles, so he knows he’d have to fix his sleeping schedule by the time his roommate returns.

It’s evening when Kyungsoo arrives at The Eve. Chanyeol is waiting right outside, idly messing around on his phone as he waits for the younger to arrive. The scene is all too familiar, except their breathing comes out in puffs of fog and there’s a sense of trepidation running through Kyungsoo, poorly concealed in his opinion from how his hands tremble. It’s why they’ve shoved in the pockets of his hoodie, something he decided to wear despite Baekhyun complaining on the phone that it wasn’t stylish enough for a date. (And this _isn’t_ a date, but Baekhyun is still just as annoying and insistent as he normally is even if he isn’t there personally. Kyungsoo wonders to himself why he didn’t just end the call instead of letting his roommate pester him in choosing an outfit.)  

Chanyeol’s wearing that oversized purple jacket of his again underneath a band shirt. He always looks softer than normal with it on, despite all his over large clothes that easily engulf his large frame, and it doesn’t help that his hair is still curled and he’s letting it grow. He looks handsome still. He’s sniffling, nose slightly red, and Kyungsoo feels fond, approaching Chanyeol and catching his attention by gently pinching his ear.

The elder’s head whips up to see Kyungsoo before smiling and pulling the smaller into a tight hug. “Missed you, ‘Soo.” Chanyeol breathes into hair, as if he’s inhaling Kyungsoo’s scent. The latter’s grateful that he made himself shower before coming here, even if the weather was too cold and he never showered in hot water. Kyungsoo just hums in reply.

When Chanyeol pulls away, his mouth parts open, like he just realized something. “Oh, I have something for you too.” He swings his backpack to his front before opening it, pulling out a wrapped rectangular box. Chanyeol’s jacket sleeves slip down when he raises up the present, revealing his timer and the new time it presented. Thirty-five years added like a real blessing. Kyungsoo can’t help but smile in satisfaction, already at ease, a pleasant and warm feeling in his chest. He could probably cry, but suppresses it because he doesn’t have a valid explanation to tell Chanyeol. The taller seems to take the spark in his eyes as a result of the gift, because he beams as he hands it to Kyungsoo. “It’s from my parents.”

The younger’s eyes widen at that. “Are you serious?” he says, feeling the weight of the object in his hands. It’s heavy, but he can’t even begin the process what’s inside. When he tilts it, there’s no sound that comes out.

Chanyeol puffs his chest proudly. “Mhm,” he says. “I chose it though. And paid for most of it. But it comes from my family. They wish you came.”

“They didn’t have to.” Kyungsoo says, his fingers already making their way to prying the tape off to not ruin the pretty wrapped and cause a mess in the middle of the street. Chanyeol tugs at his sleeve when he only gets to unravel sides, a sign that he should do when they’re indoors and seated instead. “Thanks.”

He makes a move to enter The Eve, but Chanyeol’s grip on him doesn’t loosen, and instead stops him from venturing inside. He shoots the older a look. “What?”

“We’re not eating here.” Chanyeol tells him. “C’mon,”

“What?” But Chanyeol doesn’t answer him, instead dragging him someplace else, and Kyungsoo reluctantly follows.

Kyungsoo has this confused smile on his face when they finally reach the place Chanyeol intended on taking him to. “A breakfast place?”

“You didn’t have breakfast.” Chanyeol replies.

“How do you know that?”

“Because you didn’t even seenzone any of our messages to you in the groupchat the whole morning. And you _always_ seenzone.” Chanyeol argues. At least that explains the spam of messages he woke up to, having just clicked on them a few seconds before leaving his apartment, not bothering to reply to any of their greetings or read any of their ramblings. The only messages he replied to were from his relatives and his parents, though they were clipped and none of them pried at his lack of responding the way his friends did, or what he was doing so far in the day.

“No, I don’t.” Kyungsoo replies. “Only sometimes.”

“Most of the time.” Chanyeol corrects.

Dinner – or breakfast-dinner, Kyungsoo’s never actually done this before – are waffles and sausages. They’re already a lot despite only being two foods, but then Kyungsoo glances at the table across them and the bacon they have, and Chanyeol catches the movement too quick and assumes even quicker, ordering that as well. Kyungsoo is vaguely irritated, but it’s short-lived when Chanyeol grins and says he intends to stuff Kyungsoo full because he’s so tiny and kind of thin. He’d normally be insulted by the words, but when they come out of Chanyeol’s mouth, he can’t stay mad for long.

“Let me open it.” Chanyeol says, after watching Kyungsoo meticulously try to unwrap the present for about five minutes already.

“No.” says Kyungsoo. “You’re going to tear it. I know you. You’ll ruin the wrapping.”

Chanyeol huffs. “Fine.”

He manages to carefully pull the box out before setting the wrapper beside him on the couch by the time the food arrives. When he removes the tapes and opens the lid, his jaw drops at the sight of CDs lined up inside. It’s a tight fit, barely any space left, but Kyungsoo still manages to weasel a random one out to see what’s inside.

“Holy shit.” he says. “Broadway recordings?”

Chanyeol nods proudly. “Only the best.”

“Holy shit.” Kyungsoo says again, and Chanyeol laughs at his reaction. Kyungsoo takes another one out, just to be sure, and he isn’t disappointed. He’s vaguely familiar with some official recordings, but he’s only watched one in his whole life, which was the sole one Han owned. Everything else was just bootlegs, reading the storyline on the internet, and listening to the songs and trying to piece the tale together. “Isn’t this expensive?”

“If it makes you feel better, I got most of them from a friend of mine. Kris. He has a store that sells recordings of different kinds. Getting them was all kind of hard though, since those are supposedly the best versions. Crowdsourcing though. Kris knew a guy, who I also luckily kinda knew, and I used some of my charm to get a discount.”

“Really pays to have lots of friends, huh.” Kyungsoo mutters.

Chanyeol wags his fork at him. “Your friends contributed. Baekhyun paid for like, two of those CDs there. Out of twenty.” Kyungsoo smiles. “And Jongdae said when he gets back he has something for you. My family also chipped in a bit, but that was more of the handpicking of musicals. They said you should make me watch some of them; I’m not cultured enough in that field and they hate me for it.”

“Let’s watch one when we get home then.” Kyungsoo suggests.

Chanyeol hums in agreement. When Kyungsoo continues staring down at the rack in something like awe, Chanyeol taps his utensil against the plate, getting the younger’s attention. “Hey, stop staring at that and eat. Your waffles are gonna get cold, and this bacon will turn soggy.”

“In a minute.” Kyungsoo murmurs, still digging through the CDs.

“No.” Chanyeol whines. “Eat now. You need to know how good this is.”

Kyungsoo finally looks up at him. “You’re so fussy.”

“It’s ‘cause I’m paying for it.” Chanyeol replies smoothly. “So eat. The waffles are as crunchy as the bacon.”

After the hearty meal, Chanyeol orders them dessert, which is a medium-sized warm lava cake with ice cream on top. It’s Chanyeol’s version of a mini cake, since Kyungsoo says he isn’t a fan of the pastry, and they decide to share it because the elder’s sweet tooth is stronger than his. They eat it outside, standing right outside the restaurant, having left after paying because the waiter said they needed to accommodate the other customers, asking politely if they could finish up fast. Chanyeol just said they’d have the pastry on takeout. Kyungsoo doesn’t have anything against it, and loitering outside the restaurant doesn’t feel as awkward as he thought it’d be.

“I bet I could make something like this.” Chanyeol declares, mouth full. “Something better, actually.”

“I didn’t know Viva Polo made desserts.” Kyungsoo says, taking a bite.

“I don’t think this is Italian enough for that.” he says. “But I learned a few other things besides what I needed to know from my mom. Like desserts.”

“You ever learned how to make lava cake?”

Chanyeol learns forward, scooping up a bit of the ice cream and a chunk of the cake before feeding it to Kyungsoo. The latter opens his mouth without protest because they were only provided with one plastic spoon and have to take turns. He likes the mix of hot and cold on his tongue. “I only know how to make brownies, actually. But I bet I can make this.”

Kyungsoo snorts. “Brownies are easy. Cakes are much tougher.”

“And you would know?”

“Mhm,” Kyungsoo says, chewing. Chanyeol doesn’t say anything, only stares at him silently, the cup of lava cake and ice cream raised mid-air between them. Kyungsoo meets his gaze and mouths a _what?_

Chanyeol shakes his head. Kyungsoo is about to brush it off, but then Chanyeol leans forward and presses his lips against his own, catching the younger by surprise. It’s quick, almost like a peck, except there was a firmness in it that made it seem like it was more, like Chanyeol wanted to do more but was stopping himself. Kyungsoo blinks, and then Chanyeol’s already pulling away. Unconsciously, he trails after Chanyeol’s retreating head, before realizing what he’s doing and turning red. And then what just happened between them slowly makes its way through Kyungsoo’s thought process; he turns even redder.

“What?”

“You always say that.” Chanyeol notes. “I just noticed. Whenever you get surprised.”

“Huh,” Kyungsoo says. His mind screams _what?_ but what comes out is, “But you’re straight.”

“I thought I was.” Chanyeol corrects. “But stuff happened.”

“Stuff?”

“You. Is it cheesy of me to say that? Not that it isn’t true.” Kyungsoo thinks _what the fuck_ , but his cheeks go even redder. At least Chanyeol’s ears are pink, despite his smooth words. “Irene said dating me didn’t feel like real dating because all I did was talk about you.”

“You do? I don’t even do anything.”

“I think that’s what Irene said, but I don’t know, I kept on saying that you were such an interesting person, so of course I’d talk and think about you a lot. But Irene said it was more likely because I liked you. I spend more time with you than I do with her.”

“Least I wasn’t the only one who noticed it.” His mouth is running on autopilot; everything’s spilling out, but there’s no real bite behind any of them. He hates being chatty, but he’s always like this whenever he gets nervous or when Chanyeol’s involved.

“Yeah,” Chanyeol says. “I thought she’d hate me for it, when I eventually figured it out, but she didn’t. We called it off right before winter break; it’s why I actually wanted you to come over with me to meet my family.”

“Oh.”

“But we still talk a bit. No hard feelings. She actually said she was honoured to be part of my bisexual awakening.”

“You’re bi?”

Chanyeol hums. “Or maybe I just like girls and you.”

Kyungsoo rolls his eyes. “Stop saying stupid stuff.”

“Okay.” Chanyeol easily agrees. “I like girls and boys, but you’re my favorite.”

“Better.” Kyungsoo just says. He can’t believe this is happening. His heart is hammering against his chest, but it’s not out of anything anxious. More like excitement. It all feels unreal. Chanyeol smiles at him and Kyungsoo’s stomach twists, but it’s in a good way, because he doesn’t have to hide it anymore. Doesn’t have to suppress it.

_What the hell. Is this really happening?_

“I’m sorry I took so long.” Chanyeol tells him. “It must’ve been hard.”

Kyungsoo hums, looking down. “At least this part feels much easier.”

“Are you happy?”

“Are you?”

“Very.” Chanyeol says, and then ducks down to kiss Kyungsoo’s cheek, catching him off guard again. “Wait, you still like me, right? I’m not just assuming things and you’re just too nice to push me away?”

It doesn’t feel real because it feels too easy. There’s no drama and nothing to worry about. The night is beautiful; it’s his birthday and it’s great. Kyungsoo loves it. His loudly, beating heart is swelling. “Yeah,” he says, reaching out to hold Chanyeol’s free hand. He’d kiss him, but he feels too shy to do that just yet, even if he’s liked Chanyeol longer, has wanted to do it more. Their fingers interlace, and Kyungsoo enjoys how it feels. A bit of Chanyeol’s wrist peeks out, and Kyungsoo squeezes his hand. It’s only January, but Kyungsoo has a feeling that the year will be great. It’s been good to Chanyeol, and even better to him. It’s all he could ask for.  

“So,” Chanyeol says. “What now?”

“You tell me. I’ve never officially been with someone before.” Kyungsoo replies. “But we finish the lava cake, maybe.”

“We should.” Chanyeol agrees. “Let’s be boyfriends?”  

“Sure.”

They spend the rest of the night walking around a park they stumble into, talking about many things Kyungsoo doesn’t even remember as the seconds go pass. It doesn’t feel any different from anything they’ve done before, but maybe it’s because all this time it’s meant something more and neither of them acknowledged it yet. The only thing that really says anything’s change in their relationship is how they’re holdings hands and how Chanyeol would abruptly kiss his cheek just because he can and, in his words, _has wanted to know how soft his face was for forever_.

They’re sitting on the grass talking about how they should have a picnic hear some time when Chanyeol yawns. Kyungsoo nudges him. “Tired already?”

“Definitely.” Chanyeol says. “We’ve been out for a while. What time is it?”

Kyungsoo glances down at his watch to try and confirm it, but his brows knit together when he sees that the clock hands are stuck on the sixth number, unmoving. “Think my watch is broken. It’s on the wrong time.”

“Phone?”

Kyungsoo reaches down to pat his pockets, frowning when he only feels his wallet. “Fuck.” He says. “Left it back in the apartment.”

“Think I should’ve done that too. Baekhyun’s back to spamming the chat.” Chanyeol says. “Try adjusting it first. I’ll get my phone and tell you the time. You’re gonna forget all about it if we don’t do it now.”  

They pull away so that Chanyeol can get his phone in his back pocket as Kyungsoo takes off the watch from his wrist, holding onto the crown.

“It’s 24:13.” Chanyeol says. “Uh, 12:13. Midnight.”

Kyungsoo nods and twists the crown, trying to adjust it to the correct time. It’s harder than he thought, considering his hands have gotten clammy and they’re not as small as people say they are, but he manages eventually, fingernails slightly protruding from how he had to use them. “12:13?”

Chanyeol doesn’t respond. Kyungsoo decides to just fuck it and leave it be. He’d be five minutes off at most, and it’s not that big of a deal. He gazes up, unnerved by Chanyeol’s silence. “Chanyeol?”

There’s a slight frown on his face, but it instantly fades when Kyungsoo calls his attention. “Yeah?”

“Are you okay?” Chanyeol seems a bit tense. Kyungsoo wonders what it is.

“Yeah.” Chanyeol says. “We should go.”

“Okay.” Kyungsoo says, deciding not to push it. “Wanna sleepover?”

Chanyeol grins at that. He looks slightly distracted, but at least he’s paying attention. Kyungsoo doesn’t fail to notice how the other’s eyes flicker towards Kyungsoo’s wrist, where his watch once was, and _oh_.

⇝

The calm before the storm lasts for a week. Kyungsoo almost lets him believe that Chanyeol forgot about it entirely. Or that it was really nothing to worry about. So what if the apprehension was there in Kyungsoo’s gut at the confrontation meant to happen? He’ll live with it. It’s nothing new.

But then Baekhyun barges into his room mid-afternoon, while Kyungsoo’s in the middle of writing down reminders on his planner on his bed. There’s music playing from his phone, Chanyeol’s rock music recommendations. He pretends like he isn’t disturbed by Baekhyun’s loud entrance, but he doesn’t need words to know that Chanyeol definitely cracked and told his roommate what happened. Whatever happened– Kyungsoo doesn’t even know; all he has is hunch.

“Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun starts.

Kyungsoo looks up at him. “Hmm?”

Baekhyun smacks his cheek with his palm. The blow stings, but it’s not that bad, considering how he knows that Baekhyun can hit much harder. Still, he can feel the heat coming from the side of his face, and it feels uncomfortable. Kyungsoo acts like it doesn’t faze him, and instead looks at Baekhyun quietly as he sits on the foot of the bed. He presses pause on the music.

“You’re really fucking stupid, you know that?” Baekhyun says, voice even. “Chanyeol told me.”

Kyungsoo’s mouth twitches. “About what, exactly? He’s been avoiding me lately.” Not something he expected to happen given that they officially became boyfriends on his birthday, but he wasn’t that surprised. Hurt, slightly so, but not surprised. At least the trepidation hadn’t seemed to be in vain.

“He’s busy losing his mind over it.” says Baekhyun. “I can’t believe you tried doing that. I can’t believe you fucking followed what that book said and _changed his time_.”

“Hard to believe it actually worked.”  Kyungsoo mutters.

Baekhyun huffs. “He says you lost so much that it’s freaking him out. How much time did you give him?”

“Thirty-five years.”

Baekhyun’s eyes widen. “Fuck.”

“I had to try.” Kyungsoo says. “Thought it couldn’t hurt. It was worth a shot.”

“That’s so fucking _reckless_ –”

“He didn’t even have a year to live.” Kyungsoo interrupts. “When I found out we were soulmates, he had five months left. He was going to die the day before New Years’. _Of course_ I was going to do something about. Don’t lie to me and say you wouldn’t do the same if Taeyeon didn’t have long to live.”

Baekhyun opens his mouth, as if to protest, but then he seems at loss for words, not knowing how to retort. Eventually, he says, in a somber tone, gazing down, “He doesn’t even love you.”

“He does.” Kyungsoo replies. “Has, actually, for a while.” Baekhyun’s head snaps up, not expecting the answer. “But even if he didn’t, it wouldn’t matter. I’d still do it.”

His roommate clenches his fists. Kyungsoo wonders if Baekhyun’s going to start punching him this time. “Fuck you and your self-sacrficing bullshit.” he eventually says, his voice thick. “No one fucking asked you to be selfless.”

When Kyungsoo looks at Baekhyun, he finds the other crying. He doesn’t know if it’d be right to comfort him when he’s the reason he’s in that state, but then Baekhyun crawls over and flops beside Kyungsoo, grabbing his pillow to cry into it instead and coddle it.   

“You’re the worst.” Baekhyun tells him. “I never should’ve told you. I can’t believe I’m going to lose my best friend because of his own goddamn martyr complex.”

“Nothing martyr about this.” Kyungsoo says quietly. “And Jongdae is my best friend.”

Kyungsoo laughs quietly when Baekhyun hits him on the arm in response and says another half-hearted _fuck you_. Then Kyungsoo adds, “I haven’t heard from him.”

“He pull a you when Chanyeol told him.” Baekhyun explains. “Isn’t answering his texts, and his roommate doesn’t know where he is either. He said he needed to cool off, think about things. He’ll come back.”

“Right.” Kyungsoo says, not all that shocked. Jongdae is less on angry outbursts and more on calm disappointment. He thinks that’s a lot worse, but he can’t blame his friend for that. “Is that an indirect way of saying he’s trying to decide whether or not he should guilt trip me instead of punch me in the face?”

“Probably.” says Baekhyun. “Kinda wanna punch you now too, since you mention it.”

“I’m sorry.” Kyungsoo tells him gently, when Baekhyun lifts his head up from the pillow to look at him..

“No, you’re not.” Baekhyun replies. “If you were, then you wouldn’t have done it.”

⇝

Not seeing Chanyeol ever again was never a given, but Kyungsoo couldn’t approach him when he was being left on read over text messages and couldn’t find him anywhere on campus.

Eventually, it was Baekhyun who managed to get Chanyeol to stop avoiding him. Kyungsoo waits under the back area of the theatre, his quiet spot that he now thinks of as _their_ quiet spot, in the same way that The Eve is sort of their special place. No wonder Irene caught on Chanyeol was in love with him. Kyungsoo doesn’t have these things with any of his friends.  

“I’m sorry.” is the first thing Chanyeol says when he sees him.

“Oh god.” says Kyungsoo. “Here we go again.”

Chanyeol gives him a nervous, crooked smile that doesn’t reach his eyes at all. “You’re probably gonna get sick of those words by the end of the night.”

“Maybe.”

Instead of the bench right in front of all the posters lined up at the back, they stay seated a bit farther back on an abandoned stage right underneath the sun, roofless. The wind is still a bit cool, so the heat of the sunlight bothers neither of them. Chanyeol sits down beside Kyungsoo and then they don’t talk. The older looks nervous; Kyungsoo wonders if he should make the first move. Except he doesn’t know how, doesn’t know what he should start with. Calling the other out on trying to run away from him feels pointless, since that’s what Chanyeol’s first sorry was for.

“At least you’re okay.” Kyungsoo settles with.

“But you won’t be.”

Kyungsoo shrugs. “Did Baekhyun tell you?”

“About the book and what he told you? Yeah. And every gritty detail of what you most likely did.” Chanyeol says. “Not exactly what happened, but it’s probably accurate to the truth.”

“I’m sorry.” Kyungsoo says, just to already get it out. “Don’t cry.”

“Too late.” Chanyeol replies, voice wobbly. It only felt like yesterday when Baekhyun cried, not four days. Jongdae hadn’t cried, when they talked about it – sometime in between this and his confrontation with Baekhyun – but his mouth was pressed into this thin line that revealed more than his words and the tone he had let on. Kyungsoo’s heart hurts because his friends genuinely care and he’s making them go through it, but his words are all he can offer in lousy compensation. Kyungsoo’s really shit friend, making his friends cry and be upset. And an even worse boyfriend.

This time, Kyungsoo pulls Chanyeol into a hug without much prompting. Chanyeol’s head still finds its way buried against Kyungsoo’s neck, lying on his shoulder, and his soft hair tickles the younger’s face. “This is the second time I’ve made you cry.”

“Isn’t going to be the last.”

“I’m really bad at this, aren’t I?”

“We both are.” Chanyeol’s tears stain Kyungsoo’s shirt, but the latter doesn’t say anything about it. Reluctantly, they both pull away, but their shoulders are pressed together, leaning on each other, not willing to separate completely. There are still tears on Chanyeol’s cheeks, but at least new ones aren’t forming. It could be just because they aren’t speaking yet.

“You don’t deserve this.” Chanyeol finally says, when he’s sure his voice is steadier. “Just when I finally said it, you’re already running out of time.” Kyungsoo looks up. A flock of birds fly past. The sky is quiet and peaceful. It’s a normal day. It’s almost as if nothing’s happened. Nothing significant has occurred. “I kept on thinking that none of this would’ve happened if I just didn’t . . .”

“Didn’t,”

“Didn’t love you.” he finishes. “Or if we didn’t meet in the first place, and find out we were soulmates.” Kyungsoo thinks of his now bare wrist and isn’t used to the feeling. He wonders if he feels free or not, now that they have nothing to hide. “I’d never want this to happen. I’d never want someone to feel obligated to save me just because of something like soulmates. Especially someone I love. Especially you.”

“I didn’t do it because of that.” Kyungsoo says. “And I didn’t do it because you love me. I changed your time before that. And even if you never did, I’d still make the same decision.” The words flowing out so far are easy to say; the next, he knows, are a bit more difficult. “I did it because I love you. Love doesn’t have to be mutual for it to be love. One person is enough.” Lonely, but enough. “And besides,” Chanyeol glances at him, hand creeping to his own. Kyungsoo clasps it. “You have a dream. And I don’t– I don’t have that anymore. I think . . . you were the closest thing I had to one.” Kyungsoo finds himself playing with Chanyeol’s fingers, too embarrassed with his words and to look back at the other. “But you have one. And to you, it’s everything. Who am I to stop you from having that, something that makes your life worth living?”

“It doesn’t work like that.” Chanyeol counters, making Kyungsoo turn to him. “Having a dream doesn’t determine your worth.”

“No.” Kyungsoo agrees. “But that’s what makes life all the worth living, right?” It’s okay, to Kyungsoo. Always has been. He’s never thought twice about himself because he’d been prepared. Or as prepared as he could be, for the consequences of his actions.

Chanyeol shakes his head. “I don’t get it.” he says. “How can you be so brave and never regret the things you’ve done? Coming out to your parents, confessing to me, changing my time; they never even– it doesn’t even benefit you, in the end. You always get the short end of the stick, always have to suffer because of them, but you don’t regret it. You’re always so accepting of it.”

“I always regret what I do.” Kyungsoo tells him, flexing his fingers on Chanyeol’s palm. “But what I regret always passes, because I can’t change it, and all that’s left to do is just own up to my actions. I can’t deny them. So I want to be proud of that. I want to be proud of myself.” There’s a wistful smile on his face, because it feels like words he’s said before. To Jongdae, maybe? He isn’t sure; he feels like it’s been a long time. “Regret just makes you stand still in one place for a long time while the world moves on without you, and maybe I just got sick of being left out.”

“I wish there was a way to reverse it.” Chanyeol says. “Wish the book said something else besides how tampering with it twice would just fuck the both of us over.”

“Not worth it.” he replies. “Better if one of us just has to go rather than the two of us.”

“Shut up. Don’t say that.” says Chanyeol, sniffling. “I was gonna introduce you to my parents, you know? I was gonna meet your parents and piss them the fuck off because their son’s soulmate is a boy. I was gonna . . . I was gonna–”

“I know.” Kyungsoo says. “I’m sorry.”

Kyungsoo looks at his hands, surprised that they’re not shaking. Maybe it’s because a part of him is already resigned. He doesn’t even know how much time he has left, but judging from everything that happened so far, everyone’s reaction, it’s probably not long. He gave up more than he was meant to, but he can’t find it in him to resent anyone for that. He’s the one who made the decision.

“So,” he says. “What’s the verdict?”

Chanyeol’s hand on his palm is ice cold and squeezing him gently. Tiredly. “Two weeks.”

⇝

Only Chanyeol knows about it. Jongdae and Baekhyun think he has around two months, Chanyeol’s choppy voice over the phone telling them the news back then making them think Kyungsoo had longer.

Two months isn’t long, and two weeks is even less so. Still, as the days go by, they feel dragging. Jongdae and Baekhyun make more effort to spend time with him, and alone time is impossible to get now. Funny, how they’re already doing it even if they think they still have two months to spare. It’s why Kyungsoo doesn’t complain or mean it when he tells them to fuck off. They need it. He’ll give it to them.

“Don’t tell them.” Kyungsoo begged to Chanyeol. “I don’t want them to know.”

“What is it with you and keeping secrets from your best friends?” Chanyeol wondered. But he agreed anyway, because it was Kyungsoo’s to tell, even if he personally had a different opinion. “They deserve to know. You don’t even want your parents to know.”

“I want things to go back to normal.”

At that, Chanyeol gave him a bitter smile. “‘Soo, things will never go back to normal.”

“I’m not ready for them to know.” And maybe that sentence said a lot in itself. If Kyungsoo couldn’t even have the guts to tell them the truth, then is he really ready for what’s about to happen to him? He doesn’t know. He feels too numb about the whole thing. Or maybe it’s because it hadn’t sunk in.

Two weeks turn into one week. Chanyeol kept his promise and Kyungsoo kissed him hard on the mouth for it. Everything feels normal; it’s almost like Kyungsoo could pretend it wasn’t happening. But Chanyeol is with every second that Jongdae and Baekhyun aren’t, and his touches are greedier, like he wants to make the most out of what they have and every part of his body wants to remember what it’s like to have Kyungsoo in his hold. It all feels like a mix of too long and too short. Sometimes Kyungsoo looks out and wonders if something could kill him at this moment even if he has some time left.

Halfway into the week, Jongdae and Kyungsoo meet up in the early morning for breakfast at Koko Bop. He doesn’t get to see Jongdae a lot on a normal basis, probably only twice a week or less, since they mostly spoke online and lived different lives, so seeing him almost every other day is off-kilter from his usual routine. But Kyungsoo has nothing against it; he finds that he misses Jongdae’s curved smiles and easy-going personality, albeit loud, just like all his other friends. He wonders if it’s really possible for the them to keep this entire thing up for two months if Kyungsoo had that long to live.

“Your parents don’t know?” Jongdae asks.

“No.” Kyungsoo says, taking a sip of his coffee. He doesn’t want his parents to know because a part of him is selfish. If he spent his whole life keeping secrets from them, what difference would this make? It would all get revealed eventually. His parents always find out and always chew his ass out for it. Chanyeol said they’d care, because they love him, and Kyungsoo knows that, but maybe that’s also part of the reason why he doesn’t want them to know. Because they love him. Because they’ll only really show that love when he’s about to die. It makes Kyungsoo sick to his stomach, that he might only get the parents he always wished he had when it’s too late.

Jongdae doesn’t ask further, like he knows Kyungsoo isn’t going to budge. “Why don’t you drop out of school?”

“I don’t want to talk about this.” Kyungsoo says, pushing the food around with his plate. “You’re ruining my appetite.”

“Jesus, at least let me finish, will you?” Jongdae replies, mildly exasperated. Kyungsoo grins behind his cup. “I’m saying you should drop out and explore the world. Maybe take a road trip or two. Not now, but sometime before it ends. You’ve never been abroad before. Hell, you’ve never even been to _Jeju Island_. Haven’t there been any places you’ve always wanted to go to?”

Kyungsoo swallows his food. “New York City, maybe.” Chanyeol said they had this thing called a broadway street, a place he was sure Kyungsoo would loved to go to. A place Chanyeol wish he could take him to. Kyungsoo had said it was alright. He was never much of a travel type of guy anyway. “But that’s too far.”

“Let’s go to Jeju then.” Jongdae decides. “I have some relatives there. We can stay there and drive around, go drinking, explore the island. You can even bring your boyfriend, if you want.”

Kyungsoo is amused. “You weren’t planning on inviting him already?”

Jongdae waves a hand. “It’s supposed to be just us three, the OG gang.”

“OG?”

“Original, you old man.” Jongdae explains. “But we could make an exemption just for you and Chanyeol. ‘Cause you two are just so cute together. Baekhyun will just have to suck it up that he can’t take Taeyeon along.”

“Baekhyun has a soulmate, I have a soulmate.” Kyungsoo nearly sing-songs. “How hard is it being alone?”

“Extremely!” Jongdae whines. “Especially whenever I see you and Chanyeol together in the campus on accident. You two are always touching. Even Taeyeon and Baekhyun aren’t that bad.”

“Chanyeol’s a clingy person.”

“Well, that’s true.” Jongdae relents. “And you have been crushing on him for more than a year.”

“You’ll find your soulmate eventually.”

“Eventually is a really long time.” he points out. “The Jeju trip was something I’ve been thinking about for a while though. Brought it up with Baekhyun last summer, actually. It was supposed to be our trip for after we graduate. I’ve already been saving up for it.”

“I could afford it.” Kyungsoo says, thinking of the money he accumulated from working at Beyond.  

“We just need to think of a date.” Jongdae says. “Mid-February, hopefully.”

He won’t be alive by then. Kyungsoo takes another bite of his breakfast and hums.

“So how are you and Chanyeol doing?” his friend asks, shifting topics.

“You tell me.” says Kyungsoo. “You’re the one who whines about how touchy we are.”

Jongdae rolls his eyes before saying, “He said he had something in store for you over the weekend. A date, I think. Your first?”

 _And last_. His mind unhelpfully supplies. This is his last week. His last Thursday breakfast. His last breakfast with Jongdae. Maybe even his last time going to Koko Bop.

“Yeah,” he says. Kyungsoo thinks about saying, _I’ll miss you_ , but there’s still an image to maintain, a dream he can’t shatter. So instead, he says, “We should do this again sometime.”

Jongdae smiles at him. Kyungsoo wishes he could snap a picture of it, but he settles for a snapshot in his memory, in the end. “We should.”

It’s as good as a goodbye he can give.

⇝

The pages of his notebook are almost full, something Kyungsoo finds vaguely ironic considering he never thought he was a person with so much to say about anything. Then, someone knocks on his door, and Kyungsoo stops writing, looking up from his desk and wondering who it is, because Baekhyun never knocks.

Except when he does tell the person to come in, it’s none other than his roommate. Kyungsoo makes a weird face. “Since when did you knock?”

“Since now.” Baekhyun says. “Also, you could’ve been jacking off for all I know, and I don’t wanna see that.”

“You wouldn’t have even considered that possibility if this was last year.”

“Well, you didn’t have a boyfriend last year, did you?” he retaliates. “Which is why I’m here, actually.”

Kyungsoo shuts his notebook. “Do _not_ stalk me and Chanyeol later.”

“I won’t! I trust him with you. Now.” Baekhyun argues. “I’m here to help you look good for your date.”

“Why does it matter?”

“Because it’s your first date! And I _know_ you two are already together, so you don’t see the need to impress him or anything with things like that, but at least make an effort to? I bet he’d appreciate it.”

“Right.”

“Just indulge me.” Baekhyun nearly begs, when he realizes that Kyungsoo isn’t budging. “Please?”

Kyungsoo looks down at his notebook. He isn’t finished writing, but he thinks that what’s already there is enough. Will have to do. Then he glances at his watch, telling him that he around an hour or two before he’s supposed to meet up with Chanyeol for their date. The day is halfway to being over. There’s going to be another one, just like there always is, but he won’t be there to see it any longer.

Baekhyun is pouting at him, almost like he’s about to go on his knees just to get a yes. “Fine.” Kyungsoo relents, because in the end, there’s no harm in doing what his roommate wants. It’s the last time he’s going to see him; he might as well spend the rest of it making him happy.

The older makes him wear hair gel because his hair’s getting longer and his forehead “needs to breathe”, dresses him up in something other than black, giving him blue skinny jeans, a white shirt, and a dark yellow, long-sleeved button down to on top of it, folding his sleeves up to proudly show his forearms. They’re all from Baekhyun’s closet, save for the white shirt the shoes, which are ratty Converse that match his outfit but are older than they should be.

“I think this is too much.” Kyungsoo comments, as Baekhyun readjusts his sleeves, discontent with how he messily rolled them up the first time.

“You think anything that isn’t black and white is too much, so I’m going to ignore you.”

“These are practically all your clothes.”

“And what’s wrong with that?”

Kyungsoo could think of a few. One of them being that he might them permanently scar Baekhyun’s mind by dying in something that belongs to him. But he doesn’t say that.

“Honestly, the more I look at it, the more I’m thinking of giving them to you. You look better in them than I do.” Baekhyun muses to himself. “You can have them. I don’t want them.”

“Okay.” Kyungsoo says, deciding not to argue. “How about my glasses?”

“How about contacts? It’s not like you’ve never worn them before, and it’s just for a few hours anyway. Don’t you only get irritated if you use them for a whole day?”

“Yeah,” Kyungsoo says, not that surprised that Baekhyun knows that.

Baekhyun retrieves his contact lens case from the desk drawer and hands it to him. “Not that you don’t look cute in your glasses, but there’s also nothing wrong with changing it up a little. Plus, this is a special occasion. Chanyeol might as well get the hint that you care about these stuff as much as he does.”

“Who says I don’t?”

“No one. But I don’t think you show them enough. Trust me. I would know. I’ve been in a relationship for three years.”

“Sure.” Kyungsoo says, after he’s finished inserting the contacts in, setting down his glasses.

Baekhyun steps back, admiring his work. There’s a big grin on his face, and he looks proud. Kyungsoo doesn’t even know what he looks like, but he’s sure that he looks better than he usually does. Chanyeol’s been commenting on how he only wears black anyway, and while he’s never said he had to change, maybe he’s just been hinting at it.

“You look hot.” Baekhyun tells him. “I’d bang you if I wasn’t straight and didn’t have Taeyeon.”

“Jesus Christ.” Kyungsoo says, scrunching his nose up in disgust. “Thank fuck you do.”

His roommate’s smile turns gentler. “I hope you have fun.”

“Thanks.” He says. “You look like you wanna hug me.”

“I do.” So he does. Kyungsoo hugs back, after a moment of hesitation. This is the last time he’s going to embrace him, so he squeezes a little tighter than he normally would. When they pull away, Baekhyun pinches his cheek. “You look great. I bet Chanyeol would get a hard-on on his heart. And his dick.”

“Shut up.” Kyungsoo says, turning red. Baekhyun cackles before leaving the room, letting Kyungsoo get what he needs for the date. Grabbing his watch, his eyes travel back to the notebook sitting innocently at the center. He doesn’t remember leaving a sentence hanging, though he can think of stuff he hadn’t written down yet. They don’t seem important though. Leaving behind too much might prove more a burden than anything, and that’s the last thing he wants.

Kyungsoo closes the door and walks through the corridor, catching Baekhyun taking out the dinner he made for him earlier from the fridge. He feels a pang in his chest at the sight. He’s never going to cook for his roommate ever again. “I’m going now.” He says, catching Baekhyun’s attention.

“You better come home happy, okay? Or with Chanyeol. But tell me if you two are planning to have sex so I can leave.”

Kyungsoo smiles. “Okay.”

Baekhyun nods, before waving his hand and turning his back to him, deciding to focus now on heating his dinner. “See you later.”

Kyungsoo hums in acknowledgement, knowing better. When he walks out of the apartment, he lingers by the entrance, realizing that he isn’t returning here ever again. Isn’t ever going to use that kitchen, sit on the couch, watch TV, stay in his room. It’s already over. He’s never getting any of that ever again. But he doesn’t feel anything but the realization that he’ll miss it. Was grateful that he got to have it.

The sun is already gone when he glances at the sky. Time flies by fast for a last day to live, especially for a mostly uneventful one, but the seeming normalcy of everything is all he could ask for.

⇝

The usual feelings of worry and anxiousness are like distant memories to Kyungsoo, and death doesn’t feel real enough for Kyungsoo to be scared. He just feels jittery, waiting for it, looking for it, almost impatient. He wonders if this is what it’s like for everyone, when you know how long you have left to live. He’d like to think that he changed over the past two weeks upon finding out, but maybe all that’s really changed was his situation. He doesn’t feel that different.

“I’m surprised you aren’t sick of The Eve yet.” Chanyeol says, after they’ve finished paying up for their dinner.

“Are you?”

“No. But I feel like we go there too often. The waiters even know our orders and names by heart.”

“It’s our place.” Kyungsoo replies, and Chanyeol looks happy that he said it. “Where to now?”

Kyungsoo let Chanyeol choose the places they’d go do and the things they’d do. The older wanted him to do it, ideally, or at least give him an idea as to how he’d like to spend his last day, but all Kyungsoo said was what he wanted to spend time with Chanyeol doing the mundane things, normal-date things every other couple would do.

“You always think so differently.” Chanyeol had said about that. “I don’t know anyone who’d wanna spend their last day doing simple things and nothing adventurous.”

Kyungsoo shrugged at the other’s comment. “I think it’s the simplest things that mean the most.”

They buy a few bottles of beer and chug it down as they aimlessly walk around the streets, because Chanyeol admitted he hadn’t had much plans or ideas as to what they could do that counted as normal besides things like drinking and dinner. Then he mentions karaoke, and it sounds like a good idea.  

“This is too much.” Kyungsoo points out, when one of the employees brings a couple more beer cans into their karaoke room. They had just finished the four cans they bought from the convenience store, and Kyungsoo doesn’t drink enough to be able to stomach that much.

“You don’t have to drink them.” Chanyeol says, flipping through the song book.

“Then why’d you buy so– oh.”

“What?” Chanyeol asks, looking up at him.

“Nothing.” Kyungsoo says, though he eyes Chanyeol as he reaches out for a can. Kyungsoo wouldn’t really be shocked if Chanyeol finished them all, despite how unhealthy that is.

“So we have around an hour to two of this place.” Chanyeol tells him. “Let’s pick each other’s songs.”

Kyungsoo grabs the other microphone, testing it by lightly tapping his finger on the top. The feedback echoes in the room. “Don’t give me hard stuff to sing.”

Chanyeol walks to the front and gets the controller, pressing the numbers he wants to the song Kyungsoo’s supposed to sing. The younger snorts when the opening riff of Justin Bieber’s Love Yourself starts, but doesn’t say anything and just goes along with the song.  

Kyungsoo’s fortunate that his English diction is decent, and he’s heard enough old pop songs from Baekhyun to know even songs like this. He doesn’t sing as perfectly as he wants to, and it’s not the kind of singing that he’s used to, where he has to exert more power so his voice stays consistent and heard in a large auditorium of listeners. Still, it’s fun. He can be more relaxed here, and even if karaoke is the kind of singing where you can easily fuck up and it’d be okay, because it’s not meant to be 100% serious, he makes the effort to at least do well, just to impress Chanyeol and exercise his unused voice.

Not even a minute has passed after the song’s finished when Chanyeol reaches up to grab and kiss him. Kyungsoo doesn’t respond at first, frozen with the sudden contact, but when Chanyeol tugs at the collar of his white shirt, pleading, he melts into it with a smile. After they pull away, Kyungsoo raises his eyebrow at him. “What was that for?”

“Your ad-libs are the best.” Chanyeol says, in explanation. “They’re hot. Like you.”

Kyungsoo snorts. “That’s why you kissed me?”

“Mhm,” Chanyeol says, holding his hands. “I’m just looking for excuses to kiss you.”

At that, he pinches Chanyeol’s ear. “Shut up and give me the songbook.”

They waste the hour or two like this. Taking turns between singing, half trying to impress each other and half just having fun. In the start, Chanyeol wanted Kyungsoo to sing mostly, but the younger found that unfair and demanded them to just do it equally, wanting to hear his voice as much as Chanyeol wanted to hear his. Chanyeol sometimes does weird dances during his songs and makes dramatic poses that has Kyungsoo laughing in his seat, and every other song, Kyungsoo will do something when singing that makes Chanyeol grin dumbly or kiss him. It’s fun, even if it’s just the two of them, and Kyungsoo wonders if this is what he missed out when he ditched the older’s birthday party halfway, wonders if he missed seeing how Chanyeol’s like around other people, if the Chanyeol now, right in front of him, is the same Chanyeol everyone else is seeing, the Chanyeol he loves. He supposes he’ll never know; for that, at least, he’s sad about.

“Sorry that I didn’t stay the whole night.” Kyungsoo says at some point, as Chanyeol’s looking through the songbook again, trying to think of another song for him to sing.

“Which night?”

“Your birthday.” He clarifies. “I’m sorry that I didn’t stay for a long time, like I should’ve.”

Chanyeol smiles, trying to reassure him. “It’s not a big deal. Everyone was being rowdy anyway. I think you would’ve hated it.” he says. “And at least I got to know what it was like to karaoke with you now.”

“Right when it’s too late?”

His smile falters at that, but his words are firm, certain. “As long as the night isn’t over, nothing’s too late.”

After sometime, one of the employees knocks on their door and tells them through the walls that they’re going to be closing in a few minutes, but they could pick one more song before doing.

“Wanna duet?” Kyungsoo asks.

“I have a better idea.” Chanyeol says, before grabbing the control and going to a song. Kyungsoo watches curiously as the screen displays a song from The Beatles’.

“All My Loving.” Kyungsoo reads the title aloud. Chanyeol nods and stands up as the music begins the play. He doesn’t take his microphone with him, so Kyungsoo makes a move to hand his own, but Chanyeol plucks it from his hand to set it aside. “What are you doing?”

“Let’s dance.” the older says, grabbing Kyungsoo’s hands.

Kyungsoo flushes, looking down in confusion. “What?”

“C’mon,” Chanyeol insists, tugging at them. “I’ve always wanted to do this with you.”

The room’s awfully tiny, especially with the table and couch inside, but they make do with the little space they have, moving in place in a way that makes him almost believe they’re freely dancing around. He’s been the type to do this thing, so his limbs move almost awkwardly, reluctantly, but Chanyeol leads the way, is the one that sings and lets his voice fill the room even though there’s no microphone against his lips, worms his way into Kyungsoo’s heart with this cheesy romantic gesture that only the two of them know of, that only the two of them will ever treasure. It’s easy to lose himself to the words of the lyrics that Chanyeol knows so well, to how he holds him firmly but also with that tinge of softness, to the joyous music echoing around that Kyungsoo only half-understands. He closes his eyes, keeps this moment close to his heart.

There’s a ghost of a smile on his face when they walk through the streets, the karaoke place closing down along with most of the shops around them. It’s later than they thought, an hour or less before midnight, the day almost being fully over, but Kyungsoo is mostly content. Chanyeol’s hand is holding his; Kyungsoo is happy.

“Tired yet?” Chanyeol asks him.

Kyungsoo shakes his head. “You?”

“Nope.” Chanyeol says. “Anything you wanna do?”

“I don’t know.” he shrugs. “I just don’t wanna go home yet.”

“Walk then?”

The plan backfires two minutes later. Kyungsoo feels something wet on his cheek, and before he recognizes what it is, an abrupt rainfall descends on them. Shelter that would fit the both of them and keep them dry is hard to find, so they run through the rain, trying to search for a place. Chanyeol stumbles more than once, and Kyungsoo laughs, ahead of him. He hasn’t been under the rain for a while. It’s not good for his health, but he doesn’t care. He thinks this is what it means to live.

And then his left foot suddenly feels heavy, and before he knows it, he stumbles and falls on his knees. Chanyeol laughs, this time, before realizing that Kyungsoo isn’t getting up, and rushes to help him up.

“Shit, are you okay?” The older asks, helping him up.

“Yeah,” Kyungsoo says, before grimacing as he lifts his foot. The front of his shoe’s sole is torn open, leaving his socked foot sticking out. He should’ve expected it, but the sight and feeling of his damp sock makes him pull a face. “Shit, this is disgusting.”

“It is.” Chanyeol agrees, snorting. “No walking then.” He turns his back to him, crouching down. “Hop on my back.”

Kyungsoo eyes him warily.

“I won’t trip anymore. I promise.” Chanyeol reassures him, looking back at him. “It’s just for a while. I recognize this street; there’s a bus stop up ahead. We can just take the bus home.”

“I didn’t think we were that far from the campus.”

“We’ve been walking for a long time. This is the first time I’ve been to some of the places we passed by.”

“If the bus stop is near, I can just walk.”

“I swear you’re going to trip if you keep on going.” Chanyeol argues. “Besides, this’ll be romantic! Me carrying you in the rain. It’s like a drama. Or a rom-com.”

“That’s why you wanna do this?”

“Why else?” he says. “C’mon, ‘Soo. The rain isn’t stopping anytime soon.”

Kyungsoo sighs but agrees, tiptoeing to wrap his arms around Chanyeol’s shoulders and jumping up. Chanyeol easily catches and holds onto his thighs, and Kyungsoo readjusts his hold on the other so that he can be comfortable. Chanyeol’s ears are red, but the grin on his face is there. It’s like he’s been smiling the whole evening. Seeing him happy gives Kyungsoo’s heart a fluttery feeling, and he can’t help but make the same expression as well.  

Luckily, by the time they reach the stop, the bus is already there. They step inside, absolutely soaked, but the bus driver doesn’t even bat an eyelash at their state, only reminding them to pay up. There are only around five people still inside, and none of them glance at the two college students as they make their way to the far back.

“Your clothes are drenched.” Chanyeol remarks sadly, pinching Kyungsoo’s button down. “You still look good though.”

“You look like a wet puppy.” Kyungsoo points out. “You should shower when you get home. Rainwater isn’t health.”

Chanyeol hums, not saying that Kyungsoo should do it also. “Was today good?”

Kyungsoo leans towards the other, even if they’re both wet and the feeling is kind of gross. “The best.”

The next question takes a bit longer to come out. “Don’t you ever wish you could’ve done more?”

“Like?”

Chanyeol shrugs. “Like cook together. Or bake. Or wait for me to write a song about you. Or attend another Soundwave event. Or meet Toben. Or eat at Viva Polo. Or something romantic on Valentine’s Day. Or buy a car, take a drive around. Or stepping onstage one more time. Or reuniting with old friends. Or just,” he gestures randomly. “Anything. All the _what ifs_ that could’ve been true.”

Kyungsoo does think about those things. Sometimes he looks back and thinks he missed a lot in his life. Never attended enough parties, never went gave enough gifts, never told all the people important to him that he loved them enough. Never got high enough grades, never excelled much in anything. Never did all the simple things everyone else could do but he never did, just because he was scared, just because he wasn’t allowed to, just because he didn’t fight for them hard enough. And the regret is there, because it will inevitably always be there, but at least he got a glimpse of something he’d always wanted. It’s why this is how he wanted to spend today, even though Chanyeol doesn’t understood it fully. “I don’t mind.” Kyungsoo says. “Even if I did wish for it, just thinking about it is enough. Dreaming is powerful in itself. It doesn’t always have to come true.”

“You’re always so resigned about everything.” Chanyeol comments, a murmur in his damp hair.

“Guess I’m just tired.” He won’t be for long, at least. Is it wrong that he finds comfort in that? He supposes he’ll never know. “But I don’t regret anything. There are things I wished for but didn’t get, but in the end, I was still lucky.”

Chanyeol squeezes his hand. “I was lucky to have met you. And to have you as my soulmate.” he says. “I love you.”

Kyungsoo just squeezes his hand back.

“Wanna listen?” Chanyeol offers, taking out his phone and going to the music app.

They don’t talk after that, instead enjoying the music streaming out of Chanyeol’s earphones. Kyungsoo knows everything that’s playing, and even some of the songs they’re listening to are in his own phone too. Ironically enough, they’re mostly ballad-esque or gentler songs, too fitting of the scene at the moment. Chanyeol probably did this on purpose, but Kyungsoo isn’t complaining.  

The ride seems to go on forever, passengers stepping off and the doors closing, seconds flying by, the view outside always shifting. They’re the only ones inside, besides the driver himself, and probably went way passed their supposed stop, but no one’s paying attention. He doesn’t even know if the driver knows they’re still here. Kyungsoo looks outside and wonders how it’s going to end. A car crash, most likely. The thought doesn’t terrify him much, when he glances at the other’s bare wrist; Chanyeol’s time will not end here.  

It’s a quiet kind of anticipation and waiting settling in his bones. Death is creeping in too slow for something that should happen soon enough, but he can settle with its pace without protest. His heart is pounding his chest, the only sign of his expectancy and slight nervousness for the inevitable, but it’s easy to drown the sound out in lieu of the familiar songs and Chanyeol’s gentle breathing, having dozed off at some point because he was, in fact, more exhausted than he appeared to be. It’s okay. He feels slightly dirty, and Chanyeol’s probably drooling on his shoulder, but he wouldn’t trade this for the world.  

He’s still staring through the window when his phone, resting on his lap lights up. It’s a text from Baekhyun, asking if he’s still alive because he hadn’t come home yet. Kyungsoo, for a second, thinks about whether or not he should respond. It’s a minute to midnight. And then the time changes. A new day.

From the corner of his eye, he sees how the bus is in the middle of crossing an intersection. Sees how there’s a truck just as large approaching them. It’s speeding towards them, but it feels slow enough for Kyungsoo to know it will hit them, slow enough for Kyungsoo to turn to Chanyeol.    

“Chanyeol,” Kyungsoo says.

Chanyeol stirs, eyes still closed, but slightly conscious. He could probably hear him, at least, but maybe in the guise of a dream. It’s enough.

“I love you.” Kyungsoo tells him.

He stares at the approaching vehicle coming at them. The truck’s headlights blind his vision, a bright white surrounding him. The last thing he remembers if Chanyeol’s body pressed against his, hand holding his firmly.

**Author's Note:**

> [unbeta'd - so i'll go back to this at some point just to edit it]
> 
> when i told my best friend about the plot, the first thing they said was that itd be cool if i did the pov of the entire story in straight!pcy's, which was . . . it made things interesting, but i couldnt flush out ksoo's character and his life the way i could here if i did it in pcy's pov, and thats what i really wanted, since ksoo's character here is very personal to me, esp abt the homophobic gig and the concept of regrets. i hope you enjoyed the story though, if you've managed to reach the end. 
> 
> if you enjoyed it, feel free to leave kudos and comments (esp comments) bc some constructive criticism and compliments are super super appreciated. if you also want, you can hmu on my [cc](https://curiouscat.me/youngwings). thank you <3 <3 <3


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